The Forest

After The Forest

Dear Diary,

A few years after I had that massive nightmare, Bishop and I had to call it quits. Although we were happy and all, it just didn't feel right anymore. We continue to stay in contact, although I moved halfway across the world to Liverpool, U.K. 

Autumn, John and baby Pearl come to Liverpool to visit sometimes. However that's not exactly how I would want the situation to be. I want to be able to see my niece whenever I can; not just once in a blue moon. I guess maybe it's too much to ask. She's beautiful, though. I just wish I could see them all more often.

Jinx and Alex broke up right after I moved, which I feel is partly my fault. I guess I was the glue keeping them together. I tried to talk to the both of them after it all happened, but nothing really worked. Plus, Alex is engaged now to a high school friend of ours. I'm happy for him, but I wish that he and Jinx would have worked out. Jinx, however, is still in the dating pool. I heard he was going out with someone this upcoming weekend; I sure hope everything works out for the best.

Sometimes, I feel like it would've been better had I told them what I imagined. What if I didn't just imagine it? What if we actually went to the cabin and all that were to happen? Was I just given a forewarning? Was I going crazy? I couldn't tell the difference anymore. 

Delilah is moving soon, not here, though. We stay in contact, though. I constantly FaceTime the entire group, although with the different time zones, it's often difficult to find a time in which we can all talk. 

My insomnia has gotten worse, but I'm not staying up for a multitude of days anymore-- been there, done that. I don't know what's worse at this point: the guilt I feel for not telling them, or the haunting memory of that week in my nightmare. 

I can't seem to shake the fact that what I imagined could actually be an alternate reality in which I was left alone. The mere thought of all of my friends slowly slipping away... Nope, I can't think that way. I refuse to let myself think like that. 

I want to be positive; I'm going to stay positive. I'm.. I'm trying. I keep hearing the same things when I go to talk to my counselor, "You're not going to get over this... episode... if you don't talk about it. You're not insane; you're just confused." They don't seem to get it. I'm fine, I'm fine. I just... I can't seem to shake it all off.

I'm trying to be okay. I really am. Constantly keeping up this perfect image is going to be the death of me. I can see it now, "Here lies Clover Armstrong; an amazing friend who's demise was trying to keep up an image of perfection, that was slowly eating her alive."  Okay, maybe not that dramatic. 

At this point, I'm just rambling on. I just don't know what I'm doing right now. It'll get better through time; I hope.

See you later,

Clover Lynn Armstrong.