That night, my mother actually tried to spend time with me. Took me out to eat, let me pick books from a secondhand bookstore and buy them. All while my sister was getting her license. Although the thought of her getting her license made me proud, it made me sadder than anything. I remember the talks we had about how she would take us to the mall, to Walmart, or anywhere we ever wanted to go. Now that would never happen. She was growing apart from me; my big sister was no longer my big sister. She was changing before my eyes.
If I knew what love was, maybe things would be different. Maybe I would understand more things, or be able to communicate better . . .If I knew what family truly was, maybe I would comprehend. But alas, there was no one to love me; no one except my small dog and cell phone to comfort me on the darkest night of the year.
Around eleven, I got a call. One of my guy friends telling me how he wanted to give up on the world. I tried to calm him, and I'm not sure if I succeeded, but I hoped I had. He meant a lot to me. He had been a friend to me, when the world was my enemy. I couldn't help him in the way he wanted though. I know he wanted more than friendship; if not with me, then someone else. He longed for love; a love that I could not bless him with. I did what I could to see that he felt like someone cared, but that's as far as I could take it. I whispered to him, giving him ideas of meditation, sleeping exercises, or even just talking it out with someone. I hope that I had made a difference, but you never know. Someone can have the biggest smile on their face, but have the biggest hole in their heart.
I wake up to the vibrations of my cell-phone alarm. I look around, shocked to see that the sun is still not up. I hated dark mornings; made me more tired that I had been the night before. I stroke Gracie's ear, snuggling her to my chest. She kisses my face, eagerly, her puppy-like happiness resonating, and making me smile down at her. I lay back down; determined to stay awake, and just as I dose, I receive a text message. I respond, then close my eyes again as I feel the sun rising on my face. The beautiful rays make my face glow, as they warm my entire body with their light.
I sigh, thrashing my legs over the side of the bed as I attempt to stand. Gracie is at the door, whining and barking as I approach her. She wags her tail at me, looking up at me with beady eyes. I open the door, and she rushes to the front door, waiting to be let out to relieve herself. I open the door, just as Nicki rushes out beside her. I go into the kitchen, searching for some breakfast as I quickly stuff it into my mouth. Opening the door to let the dogs back in, I head back up the stairs to begin my daily routine.
School is as boring as any other day. Gossipy girls, obnoxious boys, same old; same old. Why can't anything ever be any different? Adventures; excitement. That's what my mind craved for, some new inspiration, and some new emotion. I wanted something more than this . . .Predictable life. I wanted maybe not thrill, but something just as energizing. I wanted something that I didn't know if I would ever obtain, and even if I did, I don't know if I would be able to keep my grasp on it. That thing; was love.
