Collar boy

Day 4

 I never actually slept in the end. I just stared in the distance, tired, and in pain. When the door knocked I got out of the bed on my own. I had a terrible limp, and I had to hold onto the walls in order to stand, the door opened and I saw another new supervisor, bland and serious. He held the door open for me and I limped through the door.

I was able to make it pretty far, but once I could see the stairs I turned uncertain and I fell, once again shaking on the floor. I was unable to get up, my mind was blank, and all I could feel was pain. My supervisor had to carry me the rest of the way and I was laid down in the back of the car while the supervisor once again drove me to the training center. When we arrived I was carried all the way to the center, and laid down on the floor.

"It seems as though you have learned a bit while you were away," I heard the doctors say this in his delighted tone. He sounded happy about this, but I could never really understand him, the mind of the crazy doctor would always be foreign to me.

The doctor up my limp, shivering body, and we headed our way to the training room. In that room I was tied down once again and the doctor added another dose, it multiplied the pain inside of me and only continued to grow. I could certainly feel it, but I made no move to let it out. I rendered myself dead to my own senses, I certainly felt it, I felt like screaming, crying, and tearing out my hair all at once. I would do almost anything to take away the pain, but I knew, down to my very bone marrow, that there was no stopping the pain, I had to wait.

"It seems like you've learned your lesson quickly," I could hear the disappointment in his tone. I certainly couldn't understand him, but I knew that he loved me to suffer, but there was an exception.

"Come on now,don't close your eyes, that's my favorite thing about you!" He exclaimed this as he put on plastic gloves and peeled back my eyelids until I kept them open on my own. He smiled for a moment and then walked to the screen in the wall that was filled with buttons.

After he was done pressing all the buttons he grabbed a string and wheeled me to the wall to inject me with the antidote. "Time for fitness training," he appeared bored when mentioning it, but I could never be certain.

I was unstrapped from the bed and forced to walk around a little, and lead to a treadmill and told to, "run to the point of throwing up." So that's what I did, if I ever stopped and the doctor thought I didn't work hard enough, he would trigger the collar, which had just been adapted to course through my whole body. The doctor told me that if I made enough faults then the collar would get a new addition with the poison that I had, and wouldn't be given the antidote until the next day. I shivered at that thought and I ran so long that I did as expected. I fell off of the treadmill, and threw up into the bucket prepared for me.

Once I had done that the bored doctor smiled and lead me out the door and back to where I would be picked up. There, I laid on the floor as the doctor twirled his knives, smiling, probably in some delusional world, but I couldn't judge him, because I was kinda doing the same thing. I was laid onto the floor submerged into a dark abyss of no pain and no suffering. It was nothing compared to the poison, the worst thing about it might be that I was nauseous, and I could barely even move my legs. The whole time I held my stomach, and struggled to get enough air, but it did little. I was just in the dark abyss of my mind, I never exited the abyss, I definitely didn't try, I just knew that outside of it was pain and suffering. Outside of the abyss, I would have to remind myself that the pain wasn't so bad, and that I would have to keep on pushing no matter what. In the end I just laid on the floor as if dead. The only thing that determined me as living was the fact that every now and then with my shallow breathing I would flinch, and take a sudden gasp. The doctor found this funny, and every now and then he would release a chuckle, more to himself than out loud, he was definitely still in his dazed world.

When I heard the slide of the wall opening, I momentarily felt the pain of the running and the dizziness from it. I flinched and took hold of my knees as if they were a pillow for me to hug, and I felt myself being carried once again. I didn't like to be carried, it made me feel weak, but there was nothing I could do, I couldn't walk, at least without collapsing.

I was set in the back seat and buckled, the suvervisor forced my knees down and buckled me up, murmuring complaint to himself. As I was driven back to the apartment for the day I just stared blankly straight ahead of me, my vision felt dark. I repeated the same phrase in my head, it was the only thing keeping me in the safety of the abyss,you're a tool, there's no pain, you can't feel, you don't feel. That was all that went through my head, I didn't want to suffer, so I repeated these words in my head multiple times. Gradually my pain reduced and I stopped trying to resist, basically because there wasn't much to resist.

While half conscious, I was carried to the apartment, I was left in my bed, the bed creaking. I listened to the sound of my body curling up as if to protect itself from the world, and wondered how my suffering could make absolutely no noise at all. For the moments that I laid there I just forgot the life I had been living, the torture I had endured, the silence I was forced into. While I did this my sore muscles relaxed in an awkward state and I became motionless, sleeping, somewhat peacefully.

I dreamed of my life, sort of like flashbacks, but it just followed through my routine. I would wake up, get ready, eat, go on a few missions, train others, arrive for meetings. This is what I used to do, but now it seemed as though I would be suspicious if I didn't go to school. You might think that I was glad, glad that there was something to interrupt the schedule I lived through every day. That wouldn't be quite true, I didn't have feelings on school, or what I do, all I know is that I do what I'm supposed to.( It just made sense, I simply avoided the pain I feared, for others it might be as obvious as the choice of life and death.) I couldn't say I enjoyed the dream, it was just a simple play through, it just scooped out the rest of the pain leaving it empty and curious.