This is the Story of how Marianas Trench Saved My Life.

 If I ever had the chance to tell Marianas Trench something. I’d tell them the story of how they saved my life.

Whenever I try to write this, for some reason I can’t find the words. It’s like… Writing them down will be the last inch the dagger has to move for me to know it really happened. I always think I should be ashamed. Ashamed that I ever even contemplated killing myself. But… I’m not. I’m not because I’m proud that this world has human beings on it with enough of a pull on my life, that they could change it forever with a few simple words, teaming with messages. No. I’m not saying that Marianas Trench literally saved my life because they made a song that changed it. I’m saying that they were always suppose to save my life. The night before I planned on killing myself. When that one song that changed everything came on. I realized, God didn’t want me to die yet. And he knew I’d almost do it, so he made a band, to save my life, and countless others. In January of 2011 I stumbled along a band named Marianas Trench, in August 2011, they saved my life.

My mother and I were homeless, but we had a place to stay. If you could understand. We ended up moving to Okeechobee. Which is a place that I will never take a step back in willingly. I know it’s hard. Life. I know it hates us most of the time, but when we moved there. Life really did turn into hell on earth. I love my mother. I love her with all my heart, and I know she feels bad for things that happened back then. And I know that she wishes she could go back and change a lot. But in that moment, that four month moment in Okeechobee. I hated her. She’d turned into a person I didn’t even know. My entire life I had never lived alone with my mother. It had always been us and someone else, and now. There I was fifteen, and wondering who the woman was in front of me. Drinking, and smoking, and… popping pills. It started to feel like I didn’t matter anymore. I’d yell at her, and tell her if she didn’t stop smoking, and drinking, and everything else that I wouldn’t talk to her again. But she didn’t care. She’d just get even more mad and fed up with me.

I’m losing my words again.. I’m sorry. This isn’t quite coming out the way I wanted it too.

Anyway, everything started to get progressively worse, and worse. Until one day my mother told me she wished she was dead. That my dears, was when my world shattered. She started saying it all the time. Yelling it, she even told her mother. But no one got the effect of it more then I did. I began to realize I only had two forms of my mother left. Her sober, depressed, and suicidal one, and her Drunk, high, and … slutty one. It was only a matter of time before even her.. Suicide threats got worse. I don’t think any child should ever. EVER, have to hear their parent tell them in detail, how they would kill themselves. That’s when the first glimpse of my own death fluttered through my mind. After that, she started saying it everyday. I stopped going to school as much, stopped going out. Stopped leaving her alone. I canceled days with friends, seeing even my family. Because I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her alone, and coming back to find her dead. One day she made sleep over my cousins house. I felt so weak, worthless, unable to do anything. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t smile. All I could do was sit in my cousins bed, stare into the dark, and think about every possible scenario that could be happening at that very moment. The next day my aunt took me home. And I knocked on the door, but no one answered. We knocked a few more times, until finally I went around to my mother bedroom window, starting to cry. She wasn’t answering and I could think was “She’s Dead. She’s Dead..She’s Dead” I was banging on the window, trying to hold back tears, when my aunt called from the other side of the house. Telling me she opened the door. I wish I could say I felt complete relief at that moment, and I did feel some. But.. I also had the thoughts that.. I couldn’t deal with that. Not anymore. That night was when I decided I would kill myself before she did.

A week later, and it was the day before my planned death. I’d planned it out. How sick is that? Planning your own death. The details. The tears. My mother was going out the next night. She was gonna be gone all night, out drinking with my aunt and their fuck-buddies. But at that moment, the night before. She was asleep already. In the room next to mine. And I was listening to Marianas Trench, which I had still been a fan of. I was crying. You know, that type of crying where you lose all control. All you can do is try not to scream, and try not to wake up the world with your heartache. Where you hurt yourself to keep it in. Where tears are falling down your face, your arms, you chest, and you can literally feel the pain in your heart. The black hole that’s grown there. Where you start to clutch your chest, and heave with the sobbing. When you can’t sit on your bed, but you have to lay on the floor, and punch it with your fist. All the while, trying to stay quiet enough so the world doesn’t hear you. That was me. 

And then it happened. The song came on. Their song came on. Besides You by Marianas Trench.

“When your tears are spent on your last pretense

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

When it’s in your spine like you’ve walked for miles

And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I’ll be right beside you

I’ll be right beside you

When you’re overwhelmed and you’ve lost your breath

And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless

When you try to speak but you make no sound

And the words you want are out of reach but they’ve never been so loud

And If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I’ll be right beside you

I’ll be right beside you

I will stay

Nobody will break you

Trust in me, trust in me

Don’t pull away

Just trust in me, trust in me

Cause I’m just trying to keep this together

Cause I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

And If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I’ll be right beside you

Nobody will break you

And If your heart wears thin I will hold you up

And I will hide you when it gets too much

I’ll be right beside you

Nobody will break you”

At a moment like that. When you feel there’s no reason to live anymore. Not enough light to mix with the dark. When the thought of keeping on just looks like more pain and heartache, when your reasons for living are dwindled and gone. And when your heart, has no more room for pain. And you hear those words, you’ll understand why I kept living. Why I realized that even though it hurts, and I feel like I just can’t keep holding myself up, that there will always be someone there for me to help. Weather its an actual person, or a spiritual deity. No one is ever truly alone. And there will always be someone there, to help hold you up. When I heard that song, in that moment. I realized, God didn’t want me to die yet. Because obviously, I still have something to give to this world, and I’m not going until its done. 

This is the story, the words that I would tell Marianas Trench, and I’d hope they’d see that it isn’t me being a fan-girl, it’s me telling them a piece of my life that they unknowingly had an effect on. I can honestly say, that if it wasn’t for that song. I would be dead today. So Thank you, for making music, and saving multiple lives, not just my own. Because of Marianas Trench, I know I’ll do something good in this world.