Save Me; A Seokjin Centric

v; bts (i)

This is going to be a "behind the scenes" in Seokjin's pov that I wanted to write for chapter 5 before I actually wrote it. This will be a common thing where if I feel it's appropriate that more information is needed to be shared, but doesn't flow with the chapter, I'll be turning it into one of these.. enjoy?

*edited*

'Chapter five behind the scenes; part one'

September 2nd

It was late and Seokjin dismissed the others home so he could be left alone in the studio once again. They were shooting their DNA music video in four days and he could not risk screwing this up.

But that wasn't the only problem.

He could tell the members were starting to get... suspicious? Or wary? Since their last scheduled dance practice (ch. iv) 2 days ago, he's been getting the others to question him many times out of his control.  They've made comments on how it looks like he's lost weight and he should be  eating more. They've told him how he's beginning to lose the colour in his face. They've also informed him on how tired he's beginning to look too. Or overall, just unhealthy.

But it's too easy when it comes to Seokjin. The man can brush things off like a broom over a dirty surface it's basically unnoticeable by people other than himself. It's quite funny to him actually. How gullible he can make people look and trick people into thinking otherwise. It's like his actors degree is really starting to pay off.

Although, he has been dieting a lot lately - but not in a way is considered "healthy". He's been skipping meals so it's only once a day he eats - with the exceptions of protein bars here and there - and goes to the gym whenever his time allows it. He's kept digestion pills hidden in his room for the days the members sucker him into eating another meal or someone else goes out of their way to cook for the dorm. And who is he to say no to his dongsaengs?

The day before was hard enough because it was Jungkook's birthday. It was frustrating trying to convince the other members that he was fine eating one bite of cake. They kept pushing him to eat more cake until he gave into a second bite. They didn't understand what Seokjin was going through and its not their fault - its not like hes ever going to tell them anyways - but he wanted nothing more than to scream that they back off. 

He wanted nothing more than to scream how much his imperfections get the best of him. 

But even he has noticed the diet is becoming a little risky. He's beginning to feel more and more tired which is never pleasurable in the times of their dance practices. He's always feeling the need to sit out and although it never comes, he's always having the urge to throw up. He blames it on the fact that whenever they even begin moving, the whole world starts spinning over his head. He too notices how the lively colour of his cheeks are beginning to fade, and dark circles are starting to form from the excessive overworking.

He's knows all three of these factors are so very much true, but he's always denied them or chooses to ignore them.

By this point he's noticed he's been staring at the dance room mirror this whole time. Just his reflection and himself sharing eye contact. With a huff, he raises himself off the floor and gets into position and begins almost immediately without any effort to turn on the music.

He was a minute into the song when he stopped himself.

This isn't working.

He was too tired and he felt the exhaustion creeping up again. And as much as he knew it, he forced himself to ignore the hunger that was present in his stomach. Water was the only thing he had consumed through out the day. He was trying to remain as slim as possible for their video shoot and skipped out on breakfast.

He sat himself down on the floor once again. He unconsciously laid his head on the floor too.

He felt so helpless. He felt so useless.

He was tired. Both literally and physically. He wanted to stop. Stop everything he was doing. The dancing and the singing was one factor but there was so much more beyond that. He knew that there was but he just could not point it out. He had become stressed and depressed. He couldn't smile unless it was forced. He couldn't remember the last time he was genuinely happy.

How can I end this all?

He felt his eyes get heavy along with his vision being blurred by tears.

Just a little nap. Then I'll continue.

Hoseok pov

I awoke early the next morning at around 4 when I felt my blatter calling. I struggled to blink out the sleep but nonetheless got out of bed and in the direction of the bathroom. On my way I took a glance towards Seokjin's room and noticed that the door was left open in the same position from when it was last night. I thought it was strange because everyone likes their doors to be shut when they sleep. Out if curiosity I pushed it open the rest of the way to be met with a strange sight. His bed was empty. I stepped inside and looked around. His jacket wasn't there either. I rushed out of the room forgetting about my need to pee and sped walked quietly to the front door to see for his shoes were there. And in fact, they were not. Panic was beginning to get the best of me and without taking a moment to think, I grabbed my jacket, a beanie, and some shoes. Taking one of the house keys of the hook I ran out the door.

The walk was long but I managed to reach the company building just as the sun was beginning to rise. I scanned the ID card and dorm opened with a click. I hurriedly ran to my destination and felt relief wash over me when I looked in the room. Quietly opening the door - and using the same caution to close it - I made my way to my hyung who laid on the floor. I found it funny how he could make himself look so peaceful despite the situation if him sleeping on a hard ground. But my smile faded, turning into a frown, when I saw the dried tear streaks left on his face.

Why was he crying? I've never seen him with tears of sadness ever. He's always happy when he around us, never any signs of trouble in his life. I guess I don't know him as well as I think I do.

I guess we don't know him as well as we think we do.