Save Me; A Seokjin Centric

xii; bts (iii)

'Chapter eleven behind the scenes; part three'

'tear'

It had been a week since Seokjin was released from the hospital and he had to admit that he was starting to feel physically better, meaning he didn't feel so weak all the time. One of the causes was that his members were basically assigned by their managers to make sure he was eating at least twice a day. It was uneasy however, since he was still stuck on the mindset that eating more than four times a week was going to gain him unwanted weight. He managed to suck it up though because everytime he thought about skipping a meal the image of him striking the floor  came to play in his head. And besides, deep down he knew he could always deal with any "unappealing" aftermaths later... because sadly he knows a time will come where he will reach a limit. And it pained him. Seokjin knew this, he really did. He knew that once he started starving himself it was going to be hard for him to stop. For instance, he had finally gotten used to the feeling of vomiting - a feeling he's always hated - because of the many times he'd forced himself to do it, and there are times where he won't find - even the most delicous - meals appealing like he used to, he's pretty much lost his appetites as a whole. The habit's grown so big that after everytime he eats he's on his way to the bathroom. But just as he gets there, he stops and remembers what he's doing, why he's doing it, and who he's doing this for,

"Army. I can't disappoint them again. I've been doing that to them too much already.."

So with that thought in mind he turns around and trudges back to his room - with that uncomfortable feeling in his stomach  like he's eaten something he shouldn't have - and it is when he gets there that more of his old habits will come to play. Just like before, Seokjin can't stop himself from looking in the mirror after each meal. Everyday in the morning and before bed he'll roll up his shirt and observe his stomach for any changes, like an increase of fat in his middle or sides. Next he will look at his legs, checking if his thighs had grown in size. Then he'll repeat with other areas of his body, like his face, and so on. It was devastating him even more, he knew he why he was doing this and it was not because he wanted to, but it was because he felt like he had to. Or atleast that's what he used to tell himself before. Now it's just a stupid and pointless habit that he can't rid himself of.

However, the real question is has Seokjin healed mentally? Well let's just say... the man has had better days. And once again he knows, he really does. He knows that now since he's left the hospital he should be happier, he knows that he should be smiling more, he knows he should stop feeling so guilty, he knows he should stop feeling so sad all the time, but worst of all, he knows he should feel joyful when he sees his other members. Sure when they turn the corner to join him he welcomes them by wearing the biggest smile he can. But there is a pit in his stomach that pains everytime they come around.

It hurts. Faking happiness hurts. Especially around the six people who have come to earn his trust.

Not just that but his members have been on his back since he's gotten home. Any chance they get they will ask him if he's eaten, if he's tired, if he needs rest, if he needs any help with choreography, if he wants to work on his vocals, ... or if he's okay. And everytime he replies with the same "I'm fine". It obviously wasn't a bad thing that they genuinely cared about their hyung, it's just that Seokjin finds it a bit... unnecessary? All he's done was starve himself, slit his wrists, strain his vocal chords, overworked himself, fucked up his body, basically ruined his overall health, and collapse on stage. Give him a break, he's fine... okay maybe he's not fine but you get it. And he doesn't find it annoying either. Of course not. He just feels guilty. So guilty. He feels like he's lying to them. Because deep down he knows he's not okay. He knows he's not fine.