Undesirable

Chapter 4

I woke up in the hospital, oxygen tube slightly in my nose and monitors everywhere else.

I hate hospitals.

I overheard the doctors talking to my parents outside of the room, I couldn't quite open my eyes, but my ears functioned better than normal. "She suffered a panic attack, do you know if she has a history of these."

"She's never mentioned it before. These feelings." I heard my father say.

"Are you sure she wasn't just doing it for attention?" My mother asked.

Of course she thinks I would do this for attention when I hate it thoroughly. I think the doctor continued asking if volleyball is causing me panic, or if I'm just naturally anxious.

"I also wanted to talk to you guys about her blood work." The doctor paused, telling I was alert, my eyes slowly opening. I realized very slowly that the amount of worry I put myself in, is why I'm here.

"About the blood test?" My mom asked.

"I must speak with your daughter first." He smiled. "If you guys wouldn't mind going back into the waiting room." The doctor closed the glass door and walked in with a chart in his hand. He sat on the rolling chair that was in the room and scooted closer to me.

"I want to get you on some anxiety medication, Tessa." He stared at me blankly. "I think without it you're just going to end up hurting yourself, by having more episodes like this. I want to get you started on Zoloft. I don't typically prescribe something not as strong but since you're pregnant I don't—"

My eyes got wide and I the machine tracking my heart rate, started increasing. "Wh-what?" I said. My stomach dropped and I felt like I was going to vomit.

"You're pregnant. Your HCG level was in the range of early pregnancy. I thought maybe you would've known."

"I don't- I don't know how, I-" I was stunned. I didn't know what to say because my first time having sex I had no idea what the safety of sex was. We were drunk. How could we have been thinking about protection. "Don't tell my parents. Please." Was the only thing I could say.

I could I be ruining Collin's life like this. I'm ruining my own life.

He looked at me, concerned at first before saying, "Of course."

I started crying and hugging myself. How could I be so stupid? I remember that night more vividly now. Collin ejaculating inside of me. I remember it distinctly because my insides didn't feel so empty. They felt full while he released all his sperm inside of me. For a moment I thought there could've been a chance with me and him.

Instead I'm carrying a ticking time bomb. I could ruin someone life. This child is completely unwanted.

Especially by me.

A constant reminder of my mistake.

"Don't tell them. Don't put it in my charts. Whatever you can do for as long as possible, do not tell my parents." I repeated again.

I have to tell Sydney. I need her advice, I need her.

______

"Jesus Christ Tessa!" Sydney said as she closed the door to my room. "You look horrible."

I laughed, and smiled at her, "I feel better though. They prescribed me anxiety medication, I guess that's what's been happening to me every time I tell you I can't breathe."

She got under the covers with me, and snuggled close. This is what it's like having her as my best friend. I don't get any personal space and right now, I really don't care. I wanted her to hold me as she continues to watch my life fall apart. I felt my eyes welt, and the tears begin to start.