Undesirable

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Tessa POV

It's been a couple of weeks since we've moved to Montana. I've had to get adjusted to a lot of things. Collin got a job at the police department and I started working with Collin's dad. I wanted to learn how to do things on the farm.

I'm forming a little bump by the end of the day after everything I've eaten. Dr. Tue called me the other day asking me when I was going to come in for my appointment and blood work.

I totally forgot to tell him I moved to Montana. Everything kind of happened so fast. He told me they had a clinic about an hour from where we lived his brother actually owns the clinic. How convenient for Collin.

"Mr. James?" I said, walking into his home like I do every morning.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you girl, call me Jack." He wobbled around with his cane in the kitchen. I can tell he cooked something, it smells like chocolate pancakes. It wouldn't surprise me if he cooked just like Collin, they both could've been chefs, high quality ones.

I walked around the corner and saw a couple of gift bags on the table and food next to it.

Chocolate pancakes, bacon, Eggs scrambled, and a big glass of milk. Our work is in front of me. It's crazy to see that.

Hee turned around to face me, "I know it's early to be giving gifts but I can see how my son looks at you, much more in love than I was with his mom."

"You got me gifts?" I smiled, ready to cry.

"Not necessarily. For your baby more than anything. I have a feeling you're gonna have a girl."

I grabbed the first gift bag, a pair of onesies that had cute neutral designs. One said "Daddy's little farmer" and I just about sobbed. Definitely one of the cutest things I've seen.

We continued to talk and eat breakfast, I opened some more gifts and teared up each time. I haven't had it in me to even shop for Collin and I's baby, I haven't even began to acknowledge I'm carrying a living being in my stomach.

"I don't know if I've thanked you, Mr. James, for letting us live on your property. This must been rather awkward for you." I took another bite of bacon as he put his fork down on his plate.

"I've been through something similar to this with Collin before. When he was around your age. It's not any different to me from then to know. My son is a very caring man. Loyal as it seems. But he makes mistakes, lots of them." He stopped for a brief moment, "When he told me that you were 17 I didn't know what to think. Can I ask you, how you two even ended up together?"

I stood up, both of us finished with our food, grabbing our plates and putting them in the sink. I part of me wanted to lie, or ignore the question. But I knew I had to tell him my story, our story.

"I actually first met him at my high school. He was talking to a couple of people and then left, I rushed to the bathroom and just happened to bump into him. I can't remember if it was the same night or a couple days later but there was a party my friend got me into and left me to fend for myself. I have a panic disorder so I was starting to get overwhelmed with the loud music and the people. But there he was, like a weird movie."

I hope I can tell my kids a better version of this story. I lack story telling in my advance education so I keep washing the dishes and going through the last three months of my life with jack James.

"—Then I ended up here." I finished saying. We were on the couch at this point. Collin should be returning home soon and dinner should be ready by then.

I didn't realize how many details of my life were messed up. Jack got choked up a little bit, frustrated at other parts. Happy and gleeful for a moment.

"If they ever step foot in my property I'll shoot them to the ground." He said.

"Thanks, Mr. James. I'm glad to be here."

Collin opened the door, being all hot in his police uniform. We haven't had much time with each other recently since it's his new job and he's never been a police officer. I get worried every time he leaves the house, worried he's going to not come home one day. But he only has to do this until he goes to his FBI academy in January. It's around the time the baby will be born.

Everything has happened so fast. It scares me.

I feel my heart getting faster, my breath getting shorter.

What if I can't be a good mom? What if I can't handle having a child and doing it alone? How can I even take care of a baby?

"Tessa?" I can hear Collin's voice but my vision is blurring. I feels like a black hole is swallowing me, I forgot to take my medication, I'm being dramatic.

"In and out."

I took a deep breath and Collin put a cold rag, rubbing it on my neck and chest.

"What's wrong with her?" Jack asked, "is she going to be okay?"

"Panic disorder. She has medication she's supposed to take."

I don't mean to scare anyone. I can't control when I start panicking. It just happens so fast.

"I'm fine." I said, exhausted. "I'll be fine. I'm sorry."

I fell asleep after the attack right on Mr. James' couch. I know I need to get this panic disorder under control, take my pills when I should. How can I be a good mother if I'm having a blackout attack over silly things?
-

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry your dad." I said, wrapping my hair in a towel.

"You had no control. I don't understand why you're apologizing. He's never seen a panic attack before. I told him what to do if it happens again when I'm not here."

I'm not sure when. Collin became an expert on getting me through my attacks but he understands what to do and it's very hot to me. He's just a whole package.

"How was your day at work?"

He laid down in the bed, his day off is finally here, "It was boring. Just a bunch of speeding tickets and small things. I'm happy it was an easy shift."

I snuggled up close to him, "We get to find out the sex of the bay tomorrow. I'm excited."

"Are you sure you don't want to have a woman doctor? Don't you think you'd be more comfortable." He said kissing me.

"I'm sure. Woman make me feel uncomfortable. You're gonna be with me so if anything goes wrong I know my cop boyfriend will be there to save the day." I smiled.

He sat on top of me, "I've got my own pair of cuffs. We should have fun."

"Let's do it." I laughed.