Naked

I r e m e m b e r

I remember when you used to hold me
I remember it hurt because you'd hold me so tight ,
I'd suffocate , and I'd shed a tear or two for how much pain it caused me
I remember you holding me so tight till i could see the world go dark
I remember you frightening me with your affection , scaring and pressing me so tight till i almost faint
I remember you holding me ,
I remember the touch of your "tender" fingers around my neck .

I remember you preferred drinking
I remember feeling so alone while i urged for your help on the goddamn phone begging you please listen ,
I'm about to be raped
But you carelessly hung up for i have "insulted" your highness.
I remember you leaving me to crumble and drown alongside my demons , waiting second my second for the driver to take the wrong turn and violate me
You left me to fall in my deepest darkest wells
I remember me calling you again pretending you're not fucking me up with your words while i nod and say okay I'll see you at that location to create the illusion that i have someone who actually cares if i were to disappear, who's going to actually show up if i needed to be "rescued "

I remember you kicking me when i got up to walk away from you ,
I remember almost falling from the third floor ,
I remember the air i took in before i tried to take another step down for i promised I won't hit you this time
But you kept kicking and screaming
You kept wishing I'd die and not leave

I remember talking to you like two grownups in the car while you opened the door and ignored every drip of sanity and logic I argued with
I remember you thinking you were better
I remember your ego and your bullshit ignoring every single wish and need of mine
I remember feeling so helpless with words that the psycopath surfaced and encouraged me to hit you
I remember words were never my friend around you
They'd betray me they'd feel so logical and precious until they'd leave my mouth
Was it my voice that made them useless
Or was it you?
I remember the unfairness I'd feel

I remember when i got so aggressive i threw a chair at you
I remember running after you for you fucking left again while I speak
I remember you pushing me so hard till i hurt my back
I remember wanting to destroy everything you love because this is how it felt
Every time i remember
Every time ,

I remember everything now , and i wish I remembered long ago .