The Bully

A Failed Approach

In the evening I get a photo text from Rick. Pretty unexpected I must say. But oh no. What could the photo possibly be? Let's just not think about the worst. I carefully open it and oh...thank God it's nothing inappropriate. "Saw this, reminded me of you, so I thought I'd text you..." That made me smile. It made him think about me. He literally saw that thing and went:"Taylor." That's so freaking adorable, I can't even explain. The message continued into a talk again. The talks are becoming more and more frequent, which I love. But when will we talk in person?

The next day I get another photo. A sunset.
R: beautiful, right?
T: oh. my. fucking. god. that's wonderful
R: so you like itttt?
T: i love it!
R: well awesome then, i took the photo and thought you'd like it

Again. Out of all the people, I was the one who got the photo. But the conversation didn't end there. Oh, no no! It went on for another two hours. Again.

R: so...i see you like painting...
T: that's right, i love it
R: because holy shit your paintings are stunning like wow
T: aww thank you so much :)

But one day I decided: I'm gonna approach him the next time he'll be alone.
Which is almost never so I'll have time to figure out what I wanna say and plan the whole thing. Easy peasy!

Haha you thought, Taylor! The next day was all normal until the end of class. I casually walked out to go to the bus station, but...he was there, in front of the school. Rick was alone. Bored. Standing. Looking around. That's something you don't see every day. But no, I'm not ready yet, I don't even know what I'm gonna say. I'll do it next time...that's probably next year, but okay. Why is he never alone, argh!

And just as I started walking towards the bus station, my mind clicked. Now or never. Okay, fine, how bad can it be? I take a deep breath and turn around, then slowly walk towards him. I can barely say his name to anyone else, what do I do now when I have to say it to him? What even is his name again?

I start to shake heavily as I approach him from behind:"Rick?" There's no going back now, Taylor. Those moments are even more stressful than when I'm taking a test. How can I even speak? What do I say now? You got it Taylor! Act natural! You can do this!

His tall posture slowly turns around and looks bored at first. But when he sees me, his eyes widen and he smiles with that stunning smile of his. He was so surprised that he almost scared me:"Oh! Taylor! What's up?" Brain.exe has stopped working. His voice sent heavy chills up my spine and I felt goosebumps on my arms and neck. He said my name. He's so close now and he's even more perfect from up close. His eyes locked on mine. I can't remember the last time he was this close to me...oh...actually I do...the seventh grade...no, not now. Don't bring the memories back now, brain, please let me do this. But I start to shake. Well fuck, what do I do now? I can't have a panic attack in front of him, plus, he is waiting for me to say something. What do I even say? I can't leave him on delivered while I think about what to say. This is not our text conversation.

I start rambling some random stuff, trying hard not to have a breakdown, so I'm staring somewhere into the distance. No. Look at him. That'd be nice to do while talking. I look at him and regret it in the second. Those stunning eyes. That wonderful smile. If only I could come even closer. If only I could get his touch. It's hard to admit, but I miss his touch. Even though it was violent, but now that would be enough. I'd go through it, if that meant I would be able to feel his skin on mine again. The strong grips, the door frame incidents...oh fuck why am I like this?? Are those just teenage hormones?

But I hope I'm not as red as a tomato now. All my brain keeps repeating while I'm talking is: Hold back the tears. Hold back the fear. Hold back the feelings. Don't let him know how fucking terrified you are of him. Don't let him know how much you love him.

What did I say to him? I have no idea, I literally don't remember. What did he say back? I have no idea. But I have a feeling that it was so cringy to look at. The whole time, one part of my brain was bringing me back the bad memories, reminding me on how much he hated me. The other part couldn't believe it. He's so heavenly gorgeous. The way he was smirking, running his hand through his hair, revealing a glimpse of the tattoo on his hand. The other part of my brain was going kind of like this: I am the globglogabgalab. And another part was encouraging me and making me proud. I did it. My first time I approached a guy.

What did I do at home? Besides throwing my jacket all over the field on my way home, acciedentaly washing my hands with clothes detergent instead of soap and slamming my head against anything I could find...I was thinking about my stupidity for a looonggg time.

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In case you don't know the dead Globglogabgalab meme: