The Bully

New Year, New Me?

My friends were making their plans for New Year right in front of me and didn't include me. So I was a bit down.

But my friend Kathy made my day and asked me if I want to come over and be at her house. I'd love to accept her invitation, but there was a problem....

I went out with Amy and Penny one day before New Year's Eve. Was good, I guess. And just when my dad came to pick me up, Rick came from around the corner. What now? Oh, I'll just wave I guess. So I wanted to wave and my dad stopped me:"What do you think you're doing? Get in the car!" I was confused by his words, so I just told him what I was doing and got into the car:"I was waving at Rick?" He went into his rage mode again:"Are you out of your mind? Now I see why you're so insane for the past few months! This guy is telling you to stop caring for school! That's why your grades are dropping!" I calmly disagreed:"No, he isn't, why would he? And my grades are just like always?" But that somehow made him even angrier:"No way, you liar! Get off your phone, now!" I tried to calm him down, not even raising my voice:"Dad, I'm just talking to Laura." But he continued yelling:"Laura my ass! Quit talking to Rick! Now!" So I put down my phone and waited for the ride to end as soon as possible.

At home I went back on my phone because I wanted to continue the talk with Laura, who was ill and bored because everyone was too busy to talk to her, but dad took the phone out of my hands:"None of this shit!" What does he mean by that? I didn't say anything. I didn't wanna hear the words. I knew what's going to come out of his mouth. No. Don't say it dad. Don't. Say. It.
"No more Rick guy."
"W-why?"
"He's stupid."
"Dad, you don't even know him!"
"I saw him. He looks weird."
"And what's so weird about him?"
"And what's so amazingly great about him?"
"He is one of the nicest guys I know, dad..."
And I wanted to continue. I wanted to tell him how much positivity he brought me. But I couldn't. The look on my dad's face said it all: this isn't approved.

And that's another thing my dad doesn't approve. Besides my dreams, hobbies, wishes, music, friends...which means I have almost nothing left.

The next morning I thought that I could just talk to my mom, but when I walked into the kitchen it went like this:
"Morning!" I said and my mom replied:"Morning. We need to talk." So I thought she'll give me another 'you need to have better grades' or 'don't yell at dad ever again'. But no. It was worse:"We don't want Rick in your life." And I just wanted to know why, so I calmly asked:"And why not?" She shrugged:"He's a bad influence." Mhm, yeah, of course he is. There have been so many nights when I was alone. Crying. Nobody cared. But it was always the same text which made it better: Rick's "Helloo, how are youu?" It just brought a smile on my face every time. It's like he knows when to text me. "Nope, he's not a bad influence. Do you see me around smoking weed?" I said and mom replied:"No, but you could start anytime soon." "Mom, I wouldn't smoke weed just to look good in his eyes. Trust me." I tried to assure her and there was silence for some time. Until she shot out:"He's also heartless." Excuse me?? No way! No. Fucking. Way. The dude that is probably the most sensitive guy I've ever met (up to now at least) is heartless? "What makes you think that, mom?" I said, but this time I was getting a bit angry. "He looks like that. What else can you expect from a junkie? Remember when we first saw him two years ago? That look on his face said it all: he is here just to pull others into this big drug addict hole." she replied and I asked:"But what about the next time we saw him? Didn't you see his eyes? Didn't you see that there is something inside?" "Yeah, he probably ran out of weed. Stop fantasizing. Wake up. Has he ever said anything nice to you? Tell me one thing." she said and tears started to fill my eyes:"Haven't you seen how many times he's commented on my posts? Besides that he always tells me how talented I am, how he loves talking to me..." and before I could list everything, she stopped me by saying:"And other lies you can tell yourself." She said and finished the conversation just like that and then ignored me for the next few days. Just like my dad.

On New Years Eve I was in my room, talking to my friend, counting down minutes until 2019. Counting down minutes until another unsuccessful year of my life. It was the 52nd hour of my parents being mad at me, not talking to me.
And right as the clock struck midnight, I got four texts:
The fourth one was from the friend I was talking to before, the third one was from Kathy, the second one was from Nickie and the first one was from Rick. I don't give a crap about what my parents say about him. He's my friend and I'm gonna talk to him.
What did my parents do on midnight? They knocked on my door and poured me a drink just as if nothing ever happened. Like they can just get away without an apology. Like any othet time, I didn't even expect one. Not once in my life have they apologized for anything. It's always my fault.

But then Maddie also showed me the screenshots from Rick's ex's private profile. God fucking damnit. They still talk. Quite a lot actually. Even though I don't see much romance going on, it made me think...there are plenty of other girls who he'd choose over me. His ex is actually beautiful, his classmates are stunning...and just any other person I know is prettier than me. I'm not jealous of his classmates, because I also talk to my clasamates, so that's not a problem. That's how clasamates work, right? But his ex. Oh, is she a mystery... She gets along with so many guys, but she's been in love with him for so many years...and she's the better one here. I'm just the friend who he talks to when she's not online, probably. And some of the people who are assuming I like him, are even trying to make me jealous by texting him, adding him...and then telling me things like:"What if I'm the one he loves?" Well fuck, then have him. Go ahead. Fucking have him. He'll be happier that way.

The day before his birthday, I was constantly re-reading the message that's been composed for the last couple months. Is it okay? Is it weird? What do I need to change?
In the evening I was talking to him for a little while before he went on the bus. "Bus is here, gotta go. Have fun, sleep well and I hope you'll dream about something beautiful." Was the text that made me slam my head against my desk. Holy shit. Nothing special, I guess, but still so amazingly cute.
And at 23:59, I was just waiting for the clock to strike midnight so I can send the text. I sent it and I knew that he'll reply in yhe morning, because he's probably partying hard now.

But the new year hasn't changed anything yet. Maybe it won't. The 23rd February will mark three years since the first cut, first ever panic attack and the day when everything just started going down. But I must stay strong even though my hopes and dreams are dead...I must stay strong for the ones who care and read these things I write. Thank you, I love you and it means a lot to me.