Can't Stop Fucking With You

Chapter 30

Nick

Krystal is coming by and should be here in the next 10 minutes. I'm actually pretty nervous and I know I shouldn't be. It's Krystal we're talking about. She would never judge me on my past. I had nothing to do with it anyway. Maybe I did. I should've told. I shook my head at my own mistake. But maybe-

There's a knock on the door which brought me out of my thoughts. I got up to open the door already knowing who it is. She walked in and immediately hugged me tightly. I giggled as she wiggled me. She loves hugs and wiggles a lot. I've learned.

I lead her to my room and we sit on my bed. I took a deep breath and looked at her. She looked at me, not in a hurry up already but a take your time way.

"Krystal, we've been close now for I don't know. Over 6 months, ?" I ask and she nodded. "I just feel comfortable with you enough to tell you about my past okay ?"

"Okay," she nodded and smiled. I smiled too.

I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands. "My mother. She killed herself. I watched her do it too," I peeped up for a moment before looking right back down. "She didn't mean for me to watch, of course not that, but I came in the room when she got the gun at pointed it at herself."

"Oh Nick," Krystal said.

"She was diagnosed with depression. I found that out a year or two after her death. Now, my dad, he was adopted. He wasn't treated that good as a child and didn't get much so he wanted to give me the best life possible. It was great for a while," I smiled back at the memories. Now looking up at Krystal as she just listened to me. She cracks a small smile. "Then, he started drinking. The death of my mother got too much for him. He'll drink all day and night. Next, he started to get abusive. Only when he got mad and drunk. I don't think I ever saw him sober past that point," I sighed. "I kept my mouth shut about the beatings because sometimes I could take it. He was my father anyway. The only person I wanted to take care of me. Even though, he barely did that," I shook my head. " I actually thought they'll stop, but sadly that didn't happen. When I turned 13, teachers and kids started to notice the bruises on my arms and legs. That's the main reason I didn't show my body off. The older I got the beatings got worse." I didn't say anything for a moment. Trying to collect all my thoughts.

"It's okay Nickyboo. If you want to stop now you can. I don't want you to go back in time if you're not ready fully," Krystal clarified. I only shook my head.

"I want you to know. You deserve to know." I looked her in the eyes. "I had to live with my grandmother for a couple of years until she died of cancer when I was seventeen. A day before my eighteenth birthday. And by that point in time, I lost all feelings," I shrugged. "I felt as if anyone I got close to ended up dying so I pushed people away," I explained.

I took a deep breath and wiped the tears that were now streaming down my face. I felt arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. I sighed and let the rest of my tears fall.

"It's okay boo," Krystal confronted. "How about we watch a movie ?" I nodded my head. "Okay, what do you want to watch ? This isn't my place but I can figure out something," she said. I cracked a small smile at her and she smiled back.

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Krystal
<Next day>

I decided to sleep at my own apartment tonight since I have to be with everyone here anyway tomorrow. I haven't been here for a while so I needed to clean some things up. I needed to dust and vacuum. I didn't have any dishes to do so I really wasn't busy. I had a couple of classes to go to, but those would be over by the time I told everyone to come to my place.

<After classes>

I was actually pretty nervous to talk about my past with more than one person at a time. I haven't told anyone about it individually so this is a little much. But since Elijah and Zay wanted to know about everything so badly I should tell them. Nick told me his past yesterday so that's fair to me.

I waited for about 10 more minutes and then I got a knock on the door. I went to open it and it was all of them at once. I really thought I'll be waiting for someone, but they all showed up right on time.

They all walked in slowly and sat on the couch while I sat on the floor. I didn't want to sit by anyone and I wasn't planning on making eye contact really. I was planning on keeping my head down throughout most of this. I took a deep breath while I looked at them.

"There is only one rule you all have to follow while I tell y'all this," I announce. They all looked at me and nodded. "I don't and can't stand sympathy. Don't feel bad for me. If I start crying ignore it," I explained as I saw their facial expressions change. "Also I might get into a zone where it's like talking to myself, and if I do let me speak or I might change my mind. Understood, ?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

I took another deep breath and started to look down. "My mother. She left me," I shrugged. "My father didn't help me grow up, I did that myself. My dad was just someone who kept a roof over my head and I thank him for that. I could never stop thanking him for giving me all the things I wanted. He just didn't know about all the thoughts and demons I was fighting for years," I started looking up now. "I was suicidal from 5th grade to 11th grade," I sniffed as a tear fell from my eye. "I really thought about killing myself the last time seriously in the 6th grade, but you two already knew that huh ? I was bullied from 1st grade up to half of 5th grade and I thought about killing myself for real once out of those years. Elijah, Chris ? He's the guy I got bullied and teased about for years, and to this day I still love him and talk to him. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him in my life during that time. He was the only person that was actually my friend, a best friend," I said getting quieter and quieter letting my head fall as the tears started to fall faster. "I got teased and I was weak. I asked for help from multiple people and still never got any. I stopped asking for help and got mean from like the 3rd grade and up. I was so nice dude," I whispered. "I really was. Just...Just so bubbly and friendly and happy," I smiled. "Now I don't know how to keep my mouth shut about things. I got too blunt and I don't care about feelings anymore. No one cared about mine, why should I care about anyone else's, ?" I say wiping my face. "I forgive a lot of people careless of times because I still have a heart. I'm not heartless even though sometimes it may seem like I am. It's like no matter how many times a piece of my heart breaks when I get hurt, I still give them another chance and I still can't tell anyone or even them why," I shrugged. "I'm angry at my mother, you know I really am, but underneath that, there's a whole lot of pain. She wasn't the reason I started thinking about killing myself. Because I thought about that in 5th grade. She just made it even worse," I said sighing and looking up. "There...Now you all know me," I said getting up and walking to the bathroom.