Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 24

--- PAST EMMA'S POV ---

When mine and Emma's search in the library turns up no answers at all, we decide to leave. I don't think I'm a big help in this, even though I'm actually trying – for Hope mostly, but also for Emma. She's kind of the first person in a long time that I might consider my friend. But no matter how thick that friendship is, I need some privacy now. I need to think about the past two days. Otherwise I might end up freaking out. In that case I might say rude stuff to that, that I don't mean at all.

So, I excuse myself as soon as we are on main street. I tell her, that I need to check in with David at the station, but that's a lie. Well I do need to go there eventually, but I'm not ready for that yet. I still can't believe I told Emma so much about yesterday's insane, confusing events– and it didn't even feel wrong in the moment, which might because of our newfound friendship.

Now I realize how big of a mistake it was though. I can't just let people in. I can't give anyone the power to hurt me. I know she is literally me, but that doesn't mean I can trust her. Everyone ends up disappointing you and hurting you in the end – especially the people you didn't expect to be capable of causing you pain.

Who knows if any of the things she said are even real? She might be lying to me all the time about how amazing my future is going to be. Worse, she might be crazy and actually believe all this. Or she's just desperate for some hope of her own – pun intended. For all I know our life just got even worse and she wants to spare me the pain of that knowledge.

The worst thing is that all those hope speeches she has given me today work – a little anyway. They slowly make their way through my bloodstream towards my heart and the more time passes, the more I believe them wholeheartedly – or I at least my heart is trying to trick me into believing her. Because deep down, that's all I want to do – believe Emma's every word. I want to be happy one day and her telling me that I will be feels great. I can't even lie to myself about that.

I know it's wrong though because I might live this 'comfortable' life of mine for all eternity. The world has been so cruel to me since the moment I was born, so why would that suddenly change? I don't have that kind of luck.

I don't want the hope she's giving me. It scares me too much. I'm terrified that I'll make mistakes and then my life won't be as amazing as Emma describes it to be. This is all too much pressure and thinking about it makes me sick.

Also, what I told Henry the day we met, was true to me – one hundred percent. False hope is the worst thing anyone can give another person. The disappointment you feel once you realize the hope is not going to come true is one of the worst feelings I can think of. I believe this with my whole heart.

I need a distraction, so I approach the little shop one of the dwarves owns and I walk in. I greet Sneezy. As usual he sneezes as soon as he answers. I hear a couple more sneezes while I walk further into the store. Then I reach my destination: The toy aisle.

I've been planning to buy a little plushie toy for Hope since we kind of bonded yesterday, so that's a great opportunity right now. It'll distract me a little. Once I found one, I'll check with David at the station and maybe do some paperwork.

If neither of these options works as a distraction, I honestly don't know what to do. Maybe hang out with baby Hope a little. I was pretty calm, when I held her yesterday. I could introduce her to her new toy. I'm sure she'll love it – that is if I'm going to find something, that's good enough for her. She is the cutest baby I ever met – I refused to look at Henry after he was born after all – and she deserves only the best. Maybe it would actually be great if I end up not finding something here. Then I could drive to another town and look there. Even though I fear, that a road trip would give me too much time to think. Unless I take Henry with me. He loves road trips and he chatted a lot on our way from Boston here.

The downside on this plan is, that Henry is too smart for his own good. He'd sense that something is wrong. And he wouldn't shut up about it for the whole trip. That's why it's easier to not have any friends or family, I guess. No one cares enough about you to bug you with personal questions.

I find a shelf full of little plushie toys and start to inspect it. Who knew there were so many toys in this small shop? I didn't even know there were many kids in Storybrooke. I always assumed Mary Margret loves her job so much because she doesn't have much to do. Guess I was wrong.

My eyes instantly land on a little swan plushie in the middle of the aisle. It's adorable and so fitting for the little one. I know as soon as I see it, that that's it. I take it off the shelf and walk back to Sneezy to buy it.

He eyes me weirdly and I just know, that tomorrow there will be a hundred rumours circulating through Storybrooke, that will insinuate, that I have a kid. Well I do have one, but Henry wouldn't appreciate plushies that much anymore. He's outgrown that mostly. He still has the ones, that he had from an early age, but I doubt he'd want a new one.

Once I paid, I left the shop and walked to the station.