Find My Way Back To You

Chapter 13

--- PAST EMMA'S POV ---

Emma leaves me alone with the baby – my baby if we're being specific. I'm tense as hell and for a moment I just sit there with the crying baby in my arms – not daring to move for a second or even breathe properly. I refuse to look at her. I try my best not to start crying. I even begin to sweat a little. I swear I'm going to have a panic attack every second now. You could say I'm terrified of this little baby, which sounds ridiculous but it's true. I might not be afraid of the baby itself, but about having her in my arms and about how perfectly she fits into them. I have no idea how to hold a baby though, so it doesn't matter if she fits well into my arms or not. I feel like if I move for just a second I'll accidently drop the little one and she'll get hurt badly.

Also, I'm scared, that if I hold her tightly in my arms and look at her, I'll somehow bond with her. That's the reason I never held Henry after he was born. I never wanted to risk loving him then – not more than I already did anyway. And it's the same with little Hope right now. I swore to myself that I'll never fall in love again – my keychain necklace being a daily reminder of that. But I obviously will love someone in the future – Hope's dad – and somehow, I still want to change that. Emma did take some of my fears for the future away, but not all of them. Not even closely. I still don't want to ever fall in love again because love only causes pain in the end since everyone leaves you at some point.

So, I don't look at Hope now, because I know that I'd instantly love her – she is my daughter after all. I already love her too much now. I felt that when I learned of her existence. I ran away, but that wasn't so much because I hated the thought of her. I did think that at the time, but deep down I never despised her. I always loved her just like I always loved Henry. Before he brought me to Storybrooke there wasn't a single day I didn't think of him – wondering whether he was okay, whether I should've rather made the selfish decision, whether I'd ever get to meet him, whether he'd forgive me in that case. The list could go on forever, but the only thing that matters is that I always loved Henry – every single day we were apart. And now I'm scared the same thing will happen with Hope. She will leave me once Emma figures out how to get back home. I might be able to see her again in a few years or so – Emma doesn't look much older than me – but who knows how long I'll have to wait for Hope? Sometimes people don't really age. It'll be like my life between the day Henry was born and coming to Storybrooke all over again. I'll be miserable without ever admitting it to myself until the day I'll see her again. I'll constantly worry, and I'll constantly miss her.

Or will I? Emma also plans to enact a forgetting spell or something like that to preserve the time line. So, I won't actually remember meeting my future daughter, will I?

I can hang out with her now and get to know her without feeling nothing but heartache once she leaves. That's pretty cool. It also means, I can look at her. I haven't really done that yet.

I drop my head and look at my baby's face for the first time. I'm overwhelmed by it and feel tears burning in my eyes. I won't let them stream down my face, but they're blinding my vision. She's so beautiful. And her sad eyes right now, which are red and puffy from all the crying, make me incredibly sad. I wish there was something I could do to make her happy again. But the other me is working on that right now, so I should just enjoy my time with Hope for as long as it lasts.

I softly stroke her head, while I continue to look down at her in awe. I smile softly at her. She looks at me with her bright blue eyes, while she keeps crying. But I almost don't notice the crying anymore because I'm a hundred percent focused on her. I've kind of drowned out all sounds. The station and everyone else there fade completely from view.

She's an adorable baby, even though she has been in a bad mood for as long as I entered the station and have been present here. It probably started before that, so it could've gone on for hours. I don't mind it though because I'm far too distracted by her cuteness now that I look at her. She has some blonde hairs on top of her head and is wearing a little bow around the head. She's also got my cheekbones, which I got from my mother. It must be a very strong gene. As I said before she is quite beautiful and so are her clothes. She's wearing a pink onesie with little purple anchors on it.

Her most striking feature are her eyes though. All the tears probably make them seem even brighter, but there's no doubt that she has the prettiest eye color. The eyes somehow feel very familiar to me, but I can't quite place them. It's a very notable color, so I would probably remember seeing it in Storybrooke. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's a person I stare at regularly – not that I ever check out anyone. I pretty much find everyone in this town annoying as hell – except for my son and parents and maybe Granny and Ruby. For all I care everyone else can go back to where they come from: The Enchanted Forest. Especially the dwarves and Regina. She's working with Cora again, so her so called redemption can't be real. That makes her a danger to Henry since he'll always trust her. No matter what she does. She is his mother after all – even if it's not by blood. I don't think she would really hurt him directly, but she'd hurt everyone else, which would also cause Henry pain. He's a sweet and caring boy. He loves almost everyone in this town. It's one of the qualities I love about him.

And judging by the reason Hope is crying, it'll be something I'll love about her, too. She is crying after all because she misses her daddy. He seems like a great person, which in addition to Hope makes me fear the future a little less.

Speaking of Hope's dad, did Emma find the recordings yet? I look up and search the room for her. She is kneeing next to the diaper bag and looks at her phone. So, I suppose she didn't. But it won't be long now.

I lift Hope up and hug her, while rocking her softly. I whisper into her ear in an attempt to soother her a little. "It'll be okay soon, Hope. Your mommy is going to get your daddy here in no time." In a way at least, but maybe this will work for the time being. The baby does calm down a little at the sound of my voice and the mention of her father, but she still cries. I feel bad for her. I do know what it's like to miss someone you love. I've done it with Henry for ten years.

I decide then, that I should go to the store later to buy a little plushie for the baby. It might take her mind off missing her home and the rest of her family. And then tomorrow I'll do everything in my power to help Emma find a way home for them. Ten years ago, I had to give Henry away despite the pain it caused me. I had to give him his best chance. Now I have to do the same for Hope. She'll be happier in her own time line, so I have to put my own happiness aside for a moment and do what's best for my child. I swear I'll get her home no matter how hard it'll be – even if it's the last thing I do.