Just Let Go

Hudsons Past

Hudson's past

Stumbling down the road towards the church I come to Marsons Bridge. I tip the the bottle of vodka up and let its liquid numbing qualities spill down my throat. I peer over the edge. I used to bring Casey here in the summer. We'd spend all afternoon jumping off and into the deep water below. I wonder how that would pan out if I was to do that now.

"Hudson..Hudson!!!" Casey? I look down and see her flailing arms reaching for me. She was reaching for me, calling for me. Gripping the edge of the railing I pull myself up, I can save her this time. I won't let her down. I manage to get my foot to cooperate and place it unsteadily on the bar. But my attempts are thwarted when a force pulls me back down with a thud onto the concrete and back into my shitty life.

"What the fuck Hudson. Everyone is waiting for you. Have you been drinking?" Sean's eyes bore into mine and I answer his question with another swig of my vodka. He growls and snatches it from my hand, throwing it into the river.

"Get up Hudson, you need to come and say goodbye." I can't face this, I can't face them, I can't face her. I don't even realise we are staggering towards the church, Sean's arm hooked around my side keeping my upright.

The church comes into view and the realisation that I'm here to say goodbye to baby sister dawns on me. It's sobering,

"Sean I can't fucking do this man" With a strength I didn't know he had, Sean pins me against the oak tree outside the church doors.

"You listen to me and you listen good Hudson. No one wanted this, no one asked for this. But it's happened Hudson. I love you like a brother and it burns my heart and my fucking eyes to see you in this state. Your mum and dad need you now, as much as you need them. You need to say goodbye Hudson, you've got to let her go. It's not your duty to protect her anymore, she's in Gods hands now. Let him take over."

I had nothing to say to that. I let him lead me into the church, down the aisle where I felt their eyes on me, everyone judging me.

"Thank you Sean.." I hear my pas voice as my best friend hands me to them. I pull out of their holds and move to the coffin. It's white with gold filigree swirls at random intervals. I run my hands over the gold name plate bearing her name and the two dates that changed my life in two different ways. Turning I see a hundred pairs of eyes one me, I know how they feel, I can see the judgment washing over their gazes.

"I fucked up, this is my fault. I don't need you all to sit there and tell me how fucking sorry you all are. None of you will understand this pain. Not one of you. My baby sister is lying in this coffin because of me, there is a hole in the ground out there with her fucking name on it because of me. I couldn't save her..I'm sorry I couldn't save her.." Falling to my knees by the side of Casey's coffin, the scent of my mother fills my nose. Her small hands frame my face and pull it to look at hers,

"Hudson, you must stop this. I've lost my daughter, please don't let me lose you too. No body, not one person here blames you Hudson." I scoff and shake my head, they just don't get it.

"That's where you're wrong ma. Me. I blame myself"