diary ; jang wonyoung

diary entry #4

1.12am

here comes the worst part of the year.

"have you ever thought about all the consequences that can happen if you did that? no right? then why do it?!" my sister screams at me.

my head is bowed down in shame. i'm an idiot and a burden.

"it's not your name but my name thats used there. what are you going to do now? in the one getting your shit when you're the one who did it. you never thought of it this way?" she continues.

"you've always been this dumb. you do your own things but you don't know what things might come up after that. and here i am, solving these things for you. what the hell do you want me to do? you are so dumb, and you can't even take care of your own actions." she goes on.

yes, i'm dumb. yes, i'm an idiot. yes, i just plainly hate myself. yes, i'm such a burden. yes, they hate me. yes, i should just die right.

10 minutes ago

"hello ma'am. this is jeon sungyeol, head of banking police division. you are requested to come in to our office for a statement taking regarding a scam report against you." the police officer says.

what. i started to panic.

"hello, sir. may i know what's happening?" i croaked.

i looked at my sister whose name was on the report.

it's my sister's name but it's my doing. if you are wondering or confused.

"someone has filed a police report against your name. we would only want a statement of yours for this report to be investigated. you just have to come, say your statement and sign the statement. you don't have to worry, ma'am" he continues.

"okay, i see. thank you." i ended the call.

present

i don't know what to do. i didn't do anything wrong but i'm involved in this. i'm shaking and i don't know what to do.

"you're so stupid huh. first was that accounting problem and now, this? how much more trouble are you going to put me in?! i'm so tired of this and everytime you make trouble, i'm handling it for you! why can't you just stay quiet huh? be satisfied with what you have? why did you go this far to actually get something you want?! why are you so stupid?!" she cries.

i'm so stupid. i'm causing so much harm to people around me.

this isn't a small thing, it's a police report. i cant get away with that. i cant just ignore it because they'll find a way to find me.

i cant escape and i don't want to tell my parents. this is going to me too much for them.

i caused such a big trouble and i don't know what to do.

and i started crying.

i'm so dumb. i cant even express how dumb i am through words. i just wanna slam my head to a hard wall and get to my senses. this is too much for me.

"why are you crying? you caused all this trouble and you're crying?! hello?? are you dumb or what? you caused this so you face it!" my sister says.

and there's just my brother, sitting and listening to my sister. he can't relate, he doesn't know what's happening.

"i'm going to tell our mom. i'm really sorry" i told my sister.

"how are you going to do it huh? you're scared remember? you're just so pathetic right now." my sister spat.

i began crying harder, as i think of these words.

why am i even alive? why was i born? to live this life? live this tough life? i cant handle this anymore. i cry over my actions because i don't think about my actions's consequences. and that's what makes me hate myself more. i'm dumb, stupid, pathetic, ignorant, and a burden.