diary ; jang wonyoung

diary entry #8

2.29am

it has been a day since i wrote on my diary. the past day was really stressful for me. i was hurting and i lowkey cry in class. i feel like a very special friendship for me has been broken off. i don't know what to do.

i really felt it the other day and i didn't know what to do.

"jieun, for once please look up the homework and do it" my math teacher says from the front.

i look at jieun and call her. she walks off, acting like she didn't hear me. she walks to a classmate and ask for the homework questions. like she doesn't know that i was existing.

at that moment, i felt like crying. i felt that for some time but it really stabbed right there that day.

i'm about to lose a very special friend right now i tell myself

the day continues and she barely talks to me. i'm barely breathing properly. i felt weak. it was that feeling when you're walking and half way, you just wanna collapse.

losing someone really important is the most painful thing. knowing that you will only be left with memories even though you want the person physically with you. it's that feeling when you're about to lose your closest friend and you would give up everything and anything to get her back.

jieun is that special friend.

w0ngy0ungg; hey can we talk

i pressed sent.

ji.eun; sure

i can literally feel the coldness in her reply and i'm starting choking on my cries.

w0ny0ungg; hoe, i'm not gonna lie. we're really falling apart. please tell me why. please tell me where i went wrong. tell me everything.

at this point of time, i'm already crying a lot. the fact that our memories stays in my head. i really had a very nice time being with her and the fact that we're falling apart is just ripping me apart.

ji.eun; okay i'm gonna be honest here. i was hurt the entire time. you were my only friend in that class. i'm fine with the fact you're hanging out with hyeri and they all. i see you're happy and i don't want to disturb you in that. why i'm hurting is that whenever you come to me. i'm really having a hard time coping with all the shit that is happening in my life. you come up to me when we get our results and say "do you really wanna keep failing". hoe, i'm trying. im trying and i myself don't want to fail anymore but your words just puts me down. i feel lonely too. you're always at the front talking to hyeri and they all. you dont even bother turning to look at me or even talk to me. i don't know if i ever exist at all. i feel like we've lost it all. you were some really close to me. the fact that i spent my two years with you and now we don't even spend time with each other really hurts. you're always with hyeri, nayoung, bora, sinbi, sungjae and jaemin. i'm really hurt inside. you know all the shit i'm going through right now. you were always the first one to know about everything and now, i can't even bring myself to tell you things that i've been longing to tell you because we're just so distant from each other. you're having so much fun with them. i don't want to ruin the fun. you know i'm in a different level from hyeri and your friends. but i try at some times. it's really hard for me. with all the bullshit that's happening, i'm too hurt to even continue this friendship. hoe, i'm really hurt. i don't know what to do. i hope you understand that i want to be happy too and i think this friendship will hurt me more if i continue this. i'm sorry.

my eyes are bloodshot and i can't stop myself from crying. she wants it over. she doesn't want this toxic friendship already. my heart hurts real bad. i didn't know what to do.

w0ny0ungg; hoe i'm really sorry, i don't thought you'd feel that. i thought that maybe you'd change if you see your results but trust me, it wasn't my intention to make you feel that. hoe, if you knew, i wasn't completely happy being with them. it was just a part of me. i always get hurt when i'm always stuck with them. i would get whines when i go to you. it's really hard for me. i wanna come to you. i wanna talk to you. i wanna tell you everything. it was so hard to approach you since we were becoming more and more distant. i didn't know how to talk to you already. but i wanted to. i wanna spend time with you. at some point of time, i would also feel the same hoe. you had your junior and i didn't know how to react to the fact that y'all are always together and you're forgetting me at some points of time. i don't know what to. i thought you were fine. i was wrong for that. but i hope you know i wasnt completely happy with them. sometimes, i feel that i'm with them for too much, too long. all the conversations are the same and i barely speak when i didn't had the mood. it was totally different compared to when i was with you. i would still find light to be hyped when i'm with you even though i'm not in the mood. we can talk about anything and everything without running out of topics to talk about. we go from here to there. the experience is too different to even compare. i know i lacked a lot in playing your best friend role this year. it finally hit me and i don't want to lose a friend like you. i don't know if you'd still wanna be friends but hoe, i'm gonna do anyrhing and everything to be your friend. i know i'm sounding selfish but really, i would never find anyone to have the same friendship i had with you.

i poured myself out in that one text message. i had to tell her how i truly felt so she'd understand me better. i don't know what else to think. i just wanted her back. i wanted to continue the friendship. it's the very first friendship i ever chased for and held onto. and i would never let this one slip.

i'm really sounding super selfish right now, but we all need a friendship like this in our life. if you find the perfect friendship, it's really hard to let go.

i waited for jieun's reply but i don't see anything coming up soon. i'm pretty sure she has went to sleep in that time i was typing.

i couldn't sleep at all so i'm right here just writing. goodnight anyways

[ ahhhh what do you think jieun's reply is? next chapter yehet ]

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