diary ; jang wonyoung

diary entry #5

4.18pm

"hello, mr kwon?" my father speaks into the speaker.

"yes, sir. this is mr kwon talking. may i help you with anything?" the officer replies.

"uh yes, i'm calling because i found out from my daughter that she's called in for statement to help out in an investigation. may i know what truly happened?" my dad says.

it's early in the morning and i'm still traumatised by everything. i'm feeling so soulless. i sat on the chair beside my dad, heads down in shame.

"ah yes! you see, someone reported against your daughter for scam. we cannot confirm any details yet so we need your daughter to come down to the police station." he explains.

"i see... but sir, i've heard the side of the story from my daughter and she claims that she has nothing to do with the report. and, it's my second daughter, wonyoung that was involved here." my dad replied.

"i understand, sir. but we cannot get a statement through a phone call so we need both of your daughters to come down since there are also some paperwork regarding this matter." the officer calmly explained.

"may i know when we can come down to make the statement?" my dad asks.

"my colleague will be handling this case and he will get into contact with you soon to arrange the date."

"okay sure, can you contact my phone number instead?"

"okay, sir."

my dad gave his number to the police officer and hangs down. he looks at me straight away.

"you know, wonyoung, i don't know exactly what happened too but this is just terrible" his look turn into a glare.

i know.. please just stop making me more guilty of my actions. i don't know what to do too. all my thoughts are running around as if my brain is a busy street or workplace and i don't know how to settle and let them calm down. i'm sorry, dad.

"but what can we do? it's already here so let's just face it. just pray that nothing will go wrong and tell the truth. if you're hiding something to make you look innocent, don't even try. it will all be revealed. so tell me anything else you remember that can help you." my dad put a hand on my shoulders.

all i can say was sorry.

but what can a sorry do? it doesn't heal or change anything. sometimes, i feel like saying sorry will only fix the friendship or relationship. it doesn't heal the pain or damage it caused. and it would definitely not change anything that happened.

but i want to say sorry to heal the relationship with my parents. and people i've hurt. though it wouldn't change anything, the people i love really matters so much to me and i can't afford to lose people i love with mistakes i did and failed to apologise.

tell me if i'm wrong but that's how i view sorrys to be.

i went back to my room and sat on the table, facing the window.

one thing i really love about my room is that the sky is very exposed from my window. i just tilt my head by a bit and i squint my eyes because of the bright sky.

i know in that bright sky, god is looking down.

i grabbed my phone and started playing a ballad. my favourite ballad. it's really soothing and helps me think effectively. who else loves these type of song?

i really dislike loud songs. those songs with voices everywhere, heavy metals beating in random times and shouting songs. it hurts my ear. but i don't look down on people who loves those songs.

listening to songs of different genres shows your personality or shows a bit of what you're going through. whenever i'm down, i listen to ballad. whenever i'm in the mood, i listen to hip hop. whenever i'm feeling light, i listen to refreshing songs. it depends on my mood but i always enjoy ballad despite my mood.

"god, i know it's really hard to ask for forgiveness. i know it's hard to turn back things. but i beg for a chance. i wouldn't do anything after this, no matter the result. i know you're there, beside me. i wanna thank you for sending mom and dad to be in place of you. i know you're there but not physically so you sent dad and mom to help me out and be here for me. for that, i'm really thankful to have my parents whenever i'm going through something so difficult."

i wipe off the tears that have been sliding down my cheeks for the past hour i've been staring and talking to god by my window.

i head to my bed and fell asleep as soon as i layed down.

i hope to never wake up.