Found

Change

Returning to rehearsals felt so wrong yet so right at the same time. I knew I didn't have a choice on going back, I had to if not for Aaron then for myself. Will still lay in a wakeless slumber in the hospital but whilst I am here, training hard for opening night, he shall have company. His mum hadn't left the hospital since he was wheeled on that terminal afternoon when no one knew who would live and who would die.

The balance that was once profound at school vanished the minute that the gunman marched through the corridors, shooting people on sight without mercy. What amazes me is some people didn't back down and turn and run - they stood their ground protecting younger students they probably didn't know the names of. Their stories will be heard. I promise them that.

As a school, we stood united, but that still doesn't change what happened. Some people lost everyone they held dear that day, mothers lost their children, friends lost friends. But I know that I must carry on, I won't let it affect me. Some may mourn for years, never heal after the atrocious events.

But I will fight for Aaron. I will make sure his last breathing memory is never forgotten even if the shooting's memory is overridden with yet another shooting. Because everyone knows there is no end to this. I'm going to change that.

That's why I sang my hardest at my first rehearsal back. I pushed myself through the intense acting, channeling every emotion I have felt over the last few weeks into Julia. Even though Julia has never been through such things, it doesn't mean I can't use my experiences to shape her into my own role.

I held the last notes of my hardest song just before intermission as long as I could, letting the tears that have been dying to escape leak, masking it as just acting. I told myself it was just acting, but I knew as well as everyone else the feelings I have been bottling up inside for the last few weeks were finally aching to come out. And I found the perfect opportunity to let them out.

I dropped to the ground, tears still rolling as the stage lights went down. I heard applause from my coworkers in the audience but I did not listen. I couldn't. They weren't tears of good acting, me being Julia, they were Aaron's tears. Sacred tears.

The past week I had built up a wall higher than my imagination, I couldn't let anyone see how broken I was. The only times I did was when I was channeling Julia. But letting loose on that stage brought the tears on.

Aaron would never see me as Julia.

I swallowed a large lump in my throat, a loud gasp escaping from my mouth as I tried not to choke on my tears that were falling quicker moment by moment. I will fight for his memory until the sky falls down, not a star will turn me. I will not make Aaron's life end for anything.

I looked up and saw John approaching me. I sat backward, rapidly trying to wipe my tears away despite the fact that everyone had already seen them. He silently sat down next to me, securing his knees by his chest with his hands, gazing amazed out into the theatre.

"I can't wait to watch you on this stage, you are a star, Grace." He turned to me, looking straight through the mask I had put on. "I promise that you'll feel better. It may be hard now, but the sun will shine soon."

I let a breath go. "I don't know." I huffed slightly shaking my head as if that would help rid my mind of the pain. It didn't. "I miss him so much, John."

He pulled me into a hug, swaying me slightly back and forth like he was calming a baby down. "I lost my wife." It was barely above a whisper but I heard every word. "She meant the world to me. She was the most beautiful woman in the world, and had the kindest soul in the world."

"I'm sorry John. I had no idea." I hugged him ever so slightly more tightly, letting him know I was there for him. I knew I could distract myself from my pain if I help him with his, so I continued to listen.

"She died four years ago. Breast cancer. After she died I thought about all of our time together and sometimes I punished myself because I thought I didn't say 'I love you' enough to her. So every day, I say 'I love you' because I know she's watching from above and that she is so proud of me because that's what people do when they love you."

He pulled about, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Aaron is watching you. And I know however bad you feel, however much you want to punish yourself for his death, he wouldn't want it. He is so proud of you, so fight for him."

I nodded my head slightly, unable to argue with him after such a moving story that comforted me so much. "Can I ask something of you?"

"Anything."

"Can we dedicate the show to everyone who lost their lives in the shooting. There were so many imaginative souls who died that day, I feel like it fits." I lowered my head, biting my lip, immediately regretting asking such a thing.

"Of course we can," he smiled. I smiled back, the first smile I had cracked in weeks.

"Thank you," I said softly, the most grateful I think I have ever felt. Such simple things, a few words in a program, yet it meant so much. To know that my best friends memory was forever ignited in this musical, and to bring a way of healing to so many people.

John stood up, raising his hands to silence the humming crowd. "As of today," he glanced down at me with a smile before looking back up, "Fireflies is officially dedicated to everyone who lost their lives in the shooting at Grace's school."

Clapping sprang into action, each of my friends happy with this new verdict. The notion squeezed my heart as I realize that all these adults were on our side, they wanted the change as much as my generation. The simple words that meant so much will now start a rebellion, to stop the fear spreading from the weapons.

I smiled even more widely. I'm going to get the whole of Broadway onto our side, we're going change the rules. No mother is going to lose her child at the hand of a gun, friends won't have to find new friends after their's is killed. Aaron won't have died in vain - his memory and the other one hundred students who died will be remembered for sparking the change.

It is our turn for change. We will change this country. We will change lives.