Josh Dun x Reader

iRobot

Warnings: Angst

Word Count: 704

Author's Note: This is based off the song iRobot by Jon Bellion!

You sat down at your desk and pulled out an old, tattered notebook from the bottom drawer. The pages were worn and creased, covered in pencil marks and scribbles from times when your brain was working so fast that your hand couldn't keep up. Some of the pages even had tear stains in the margins from particularly hard nights.

The notebook was full of letters to people that had been in your life: exes, friends that had stabbed you in the back, family members that felt the need to make rude comments about you to your face. They were letters that you would never send, of course, but at least it gave you a way to get your thoughts out of your brain and onto paper.

You flipped to the next blank page and wrote "Dear Josh" in neat handwriting along the top of the page. Knowing you, this was probably the only part of the letter that would end up being legible. With a quick crack of your knuckles, you started the letter.

Dear Josh,

There's a lot of things I want to say to you, and most of them I don't think I'll ever get the chance to tell you.

I'm going to start with the most important one: you ruined me. I don't even feel human anymore. My chest feels hollow and everything about me is numb. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. You killed me and ripped my heart out.

I thought I knew what love was, but your actions have shown me that my ideas clearly weren't true. Whatever we had wasn't love, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here writing this letter to you. Someone who loved me would have never been able to ruin me in the way that you did.

You stopped and took a moment to think. Even though Josh was never going to actually read this letter, you still wanted to avoid making it a mess of thoughts and accusations. Who knows, maybe one day when you were feeling brave you would tear it out and mail it to him.

I had a fire, passion, and desire. Every morning I woke up with a smile on my face because I knew it meant that I would get to spend another day with you. For the first time in my life, I actually felt hopeful and realized that my dreams could become reality.

Now I feel like a robot. Each day is a routine. I don't talk about my dreams anymore, I just give them the answers that they want to hear. It doesn't feel like I'm myself anymore, but I don't know how to fill the hole that you left in me.

I loved you, Josh. More than anything in the world. There wasn't a single thing that I wouldn't have done for you. I waited through tours, promotional events, long nights in the studio, and so much more. You were my everything, but it's apparent to me now that I wasn't yours.

You paused again, unsure of what you wanted to say next. Your hand moved to the edge of the paper and you began to idly draw little flowers in the margins of your notebook. Josh had always liked when you drew flowers, he said that you always looked happy when you were drawing.

Despite this, you haven't completely broken me. I know that I'll get through this, and the hole that you left in my chest will be filled once again. The robotic routine of my life will begin to fade and the passion will return. No thanks to you, of course.

Don't bother calling,

Y/N

You signed your name in fancy lettering at the end of your note. It felt nice to get all of your thoughts on paper, it helped to lift the weight that seemed to always be pressing on your chest.

The notebook closed with a resounding smack and you tossed it back into the bottom drawer of your desk along with all the other crumpled pages you had thrown in there from time to time. Even if you hadn't solved anything, you did feel a bit more at peace than you had earlier that morning.