Josh Dun x Reader

The Worst Part

 Warnings: Mentions of infidelity & general angst

Word Count: 1045

Summary: You find out something you would rather not know, leading to a tough conversation with Josh.

Author's Note: All I have to say is happy birthday, Josh. Sorry I wrote such a sad fic on your birthday! (Also, feels nice to be back to the normal posting schedule!)

*     *     *

"Tell me. You wouldn't before, so I need you to now."

Your mouth was set in a hard line. Josh stood on the other side of the table, his mouth hanging partially open in disbelief. Papers sat scattered on the dining table in front of you, ripped out of old spiral notebooks that you had never once suspected. You had always believed Josh when he told you they were old lyric notebooks of Tyler's, never once questioning why he was the one holding on to them.

Josh's eyes were brimmed with tears, "I - I can't."

"Can't?" You swallowed hard. "Or won't?"

Josh's lip quivered and he brought his hands to his forehead, squeezing his eyes shut as he did so. Your hands were shaking as you reached out and grabbed the nearest sheet of paper. You took a moment to breathe deeply and clear your throat before you began to read.

"I'm not sure that I love Y/N anymore. I don't see her the same way when I look at her."

Josh sniffled.

"How long ago was that?" you asked.

"Two months," he exhaled.

You ignored the tear that had slipped down your cheek and skipped ahead a few pages. Josh was unable to look at you now; his eyes were still squeezed tightly shut. You began reading again.

"I met a new girl. Her name is-," your voice faltered as you tried to read out the name Josh had written. The name seemed so familiar in Josh's handwriting, though you had never met her. You skipped over it. "She makes me feel electric. I haven't felt like that with Y/N in months."

"Y/N, please," Josh muttered.

"I think I might see where things go with this new girl. I've never felt like this before and I don't want to let it go."

"I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry, Josh," you said. Your knuckles were white where they were gripping the edge of the notebook. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done this."

"I had to put it all down somewhere and I couldn't tell Tyler-"

You threw the notebook down onto the table in your frustration, "Of course you couldn't tell him! You knew what you were doing was wrong, but you still went ahead and did it anyway."

"I never expected it to go that far-"

"You slept with her, Josh!"

"Y/N, it was one time. I was drunk and my judgement lapsed and things happened. I wish I could take it all back, I really do."

"Then explain this," you said, gesturing to the notebooks that were scattered across the table. "You regret sleeping with her, but obviously you don't regret leading me on."

He leaned his back against the wall, covering his face with his hands again. It pained you to see him like this, breaking down into sobs right in front of you. You dropped your voice back to a normal level, trying to talk through the lump that had formed in your throat.

"Why did you let me find out like this, Josh? Why couldn't you have just told me when you started having doubts?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" you scoffed. "Were you just planning to lead me on forever, then?"

"I hadn't figured it out yet."

"Do you want to know what the worst part of this whole thing is, Josh?"

A tear ran down his cheek, but he hastily wiped it away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He was refusing to look at you still.

"What?" he croaked.

"That, despite everything you did to me, I still love you."

"Please don't say that," he whispered.

"My knees still get weak when I look at you. You put butterflies in my stomach, even when I know you've cheated on me. All I want right now is to be wrapped in your arms and let you press kisses to my forehead and have you tell me that everything is going to be ok. And this whole time," your voice faltered, "you were running around behind my back feeling that way with someone else."

"We can fix this."

You shook your head violently, afraid that if you didn't you might cave to his words. Your lips were trembling.

"We can't. I won't. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with someone when I can't trust them."

"Y/N, please, I love you. I can make things right."

"You had your chance to make things right, Josh! You could have told me you didn't love me anymore and let me deal with that heartbreak. That would have left an opportunity for reconciliation in the future, but this? We can't come back from this."

Josh put his hands down on the table, steadying himself. You cast your eyes down to the table, where one of the notebooks had fallen open on an entry from the week before.

I saw her again last night. Y/N thought I was out with Tyler. There's something exhilarating about knowing I'm going behind her back, although I can't help the tug of guilt that I get. Maybe it will get easier with time. Or I'll finally tell Y/N the truth.

"Can you please just say it to me? I need to hear it from you."

Josh bit down on his bottom lip.

"I don't love you anymore, Y/N."

Expecting the words didn't make them hurt any less. You rested a hand on the wall to support the weight that your shaking legs could no longer hold on their own.

"I'm so sorry," he added.

You pressed your lips together, fighting your final urge to accept his apology and run back to him. It took you a moment to finally move your feet and step away from the table. Josh stayed where he was, bent over the table with all the notebooks in front of him.

"Bye, Josh."

You grabbed your bag and keys and stepped out the front door. The rest of your things could wait until later, once you felt confident that you wouldn't feel tempted to give Josh a second chance. What he had done was unforgivable, you knew that.

You just wished it didn't hurt so bad to leave.