I Won't Tell You I Love You

chapter sixteen

"I'm so sorry for making you love me
and saying goodbye"
- Anthony Neely
_________________________

AS ADLEY creeped down the stairs later that night, she was met by Theo, who was waiting on the sofa. He stood up as she approached him, walking towards her.

The only words exchanged were from Theo, telling his sister to be careful. As she stepped out the front door, Adley paused, taking a deep breath and hesitating. She debated just going back inside and telling Eli she just fell asleep. But she knew that couldn't be a coward. She knew she had to do this. No matter how much it hurt her. She just hated hurting Eli.

She rubbed her arms, shivering as she made her way to the park. She checked the time and saw that it said five past two, and realised that Eli was probably already there, waiting for her. As she walked, she noticed Eli already sitting on the swings. When he noticed her, he jumped up and ran towards her, throwing his arms around her. Adley hugged him back, but she quickly pulled away.

"You came." Eli smiled, his hands on his shoulders.
"Of course I did." Adley smiled back.
"I missed you so much, Lee. I'm sorry." Eli's smile quickly faded as thoughts to his father flooded his mind.
"Don't. It's not your fault." Adley reassured him, but she couldn't make eye contact with him.

"Lee... what's wrong?" Eli's eyes were full of pain and regret as he stared at the girl he loved. He knew something wasn't right, but he couldn't tell what. And it was then that he realised. He didn't know her as well as he thought. He couldn't tell what was wrong. He just stared as her empty ocean-blue eyes slowly met his hazel ones. There was no life in her eyes. Not anymore. And it killed him inside.

Adley hesitated for far longer than she wanted to. But how could she tell him? How are you supposed to tell someone who loves you, that you don't love them back?

"Eli... I don't- I don't think I should see you for a while." She began, holding back tears.
"W-what do you mean, Lee? My dad-" Eli wasn't as successful at stopping his tears.
"It's not about your dad, Eli! It's about me, okay?! I- I can't-" Adley was cut off by the waterfall of tears streaming down her face. She turned away from Eli as he gently held her shoulder from behind. He tried hugging her, but Adley shrugged him off and pushed his hands away.

"Lee, please just tell me what's going on. Please," Eli begged, his tears matching Adley's. "I love you."
"NO! You can't, Eli. You can't. I can't." She repeated, still refusing to face him.
"W-what do y-you mean, y-you can't?" Eli was now shaking, fearing the worst.
"I CAN'T LOVE YOU, ELI!" Adley blurted out, and she was sure that the whole street heard her.
"Lee- w-what- I- y-you-" Eli couldn't even form a sentence, and Adley knew that that was the worst part.

The fact that she hurt Eli. No, the fact that she killed Eli inside. She hated it. She hated herself for it. But she couldn't keep lying to him. That wasn't fair on him. But she wondered how this was any more fair. She was physically and emotionally hurting the both of them, yet it was supposedly for the best. She couldn't work out how, but she couldn't take it back. She could feel the pang in her heart as she blurted out those words. I can't love you. I can't love you. She was sure she even felt the pain in Eli's heart as she said them. She couldn't bear to face him, unable to deal with seeing the pain in his glistening hazel eyes.

"I'm sorry, Eli. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just- just give me some time, okay? I need time." She finally brought herself to face the poor boy, and she instantly regretted it. The pain in his eyes was far worse than she imagined.
"I- I don't understand, Lee. Just- I don't get it." Eli's voice was raspy and weak, and he choked back sobs as he spoke.

"Neither do I, Eli. I just- I want to love you. Believe me, I do. You deserve that much. I just- I can't. I'm no good at it. Just give me some time to figure it out, okay? How am I supposed to love you when I can't even love myself? How am I supposed to love you when I can't understand why you love me? How am I supposed to love you when I don't know how?" Adley closed her eyes, not wanting to witness Eli's reaction, knowing that all the life in his eyes would be gone, and replaced with pain. "This isn't goodbye, Eli. Just a 'see you later'. I promise." Adley turned around then, beginning to make her way back home.

"I love you." Eli said almost silently, but not quiet enough that Adley didn't hear. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, staring at Eli. She walked over to him and gave him a small kiss on his cheek, before turning on her heel and leaving the park. Eli didn't move until Adley was no longer in his sight. He slowly turned around, debating whether to go home or not. He reluctantly started walking back, praying and hoping that his dad was still asleep.

Adley almost ran back home, not turning around once. As soon as she got through the door, she collapsed on the floor and leaned back against the door, bringing her knees up to her chest. It was then that she let it all out. Every single tear and sob that she'd bottled up, came out in that moment. And she didn't stop until she saw Theo slowly appear from round the corner, his face a picture of confusion and sympathy. He rushed over to her then, flinging his arms around her as best as he could.

"What happened, Ad?" Theo asked her, his voice panicky.
"Y-you waited up for me." Adley said quietly, surprised.
"Of course I did. I had to make sure you were okay. Which, by the looks of it, you're not." He said, sitting beside her and putting his arm around her.
"I'm never okay, T. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

No further words were exchanged between the siblings - they just sat. Theo stroked Adley's hair, as she put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

She wondered how it had come to this. How the boy she'd met at her park had come to love her.

How the boy she'd met at her park now meant so much to her.

How she'd hurt him beyond repair.

How she'd killed him inside with four simple words.

I can't love you.

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