You're My Devotion (Hariana Fanfiction)

Chapter 22- Listen To Your Heart

I had always been confused with who I am, what I do and what I ultimately represent before everything that unfolded within these few months. I was happy, I was laughing, but those happy smiles were sooner or later turned into cries of disaster. I always thought love was as easy as hearing 'I love you' and reciprocating the same three words to your significant other and eventually living happily ever after. Growing into my teenage years, experiencing this 'love' in first hand, I realized the story doesn't end in living happily ever after, and things just aren't fun and games as I and many others expected it to turn out to be. After I called Zayn four weeks ago, and we shared a kiss; I felt like I had somehow betrayed my oath. I just didn't know what damn oath I had broken. My thoughts burning into my skull with extremity, I stood up from the couch. Walking towards my laptop, I decided to email the finished copy of my unnamed book that exploited my true self, to my manager. I sighed, hoping that He would approve of this decision in wanting to publish it. I had still been living in the apartment I locked myself in for many weeks after everything that occurred. Four months without the boys that changed my life... I had simply and utterly missed them. I tried to figure out what it was that I was feeling, but whatever this was... It made me yearn for Harry. His face, his hair, his smile and his kindness... I needed him. I don't know what drove me away, I don't know what's pulling me back to him, but I need to see him. My heart was aching with the possible answers to why this 'feeling' felt so heavy in my chest. If this was truly love, being inlove, it hurt like a bitch. Yes I loved Zayn, but this; this thing with Harry feels like a pit in my stomach, like a burning sensation every time his name is mentioned, the very feeling of having something so close yet so damn far away. The worst part about this was the sadness, yes I was happy Harry was alive, smiling, but seeing him smile without me, seeing him with other women in magazines tore my heart out of its cavity. I woke up multiple days smiling but double the amount of days with tear stains on my cheeks. I had become a bipolar girl with feelings for a man she hasn't seen for four months. It hurt so fucking much. The way I couldn't caress his cheek, how I couldn't kiss his full lips with compassion and deep feelings. I couldn't say "I love you" to a person I still didn't know I loved. Love was Zayn, love was everything your happy about, everything you desire... However with Harry it feels more like a craving... A feeling of disposition. But if I loved Zayn so damn much, why isn't he the one I picture myself with in five years?

I took a deep breath, we said our goodbyes with Zayn anyway.

I changed into white jeans and a purple sweater, heading for the door. As I walked past my mirror, my face caught my attention. Bags under my eyes, hair in a mess. My hand reached for the very stains of tears on my face. I bit my lip in pain and pulled myself together, walking out of the door without any care. As I went inside my car, I rested my head on the window staring at the little apartment I resided in. I had to see my mum, my brother, they hadn't seen me in months. The second worst part about this transition, was the "shutting everyone out" phase. I can only hope they will forgive me. As I drove into my former street, I felt a tear form in my eye. As I jumped out of the car I crossed my arms and walked towards the door. With a deep breath, I knocked on the door. When my mother opened the door, her face was in shock. "Ari... Ariana?" She questioned. "Oh my god.. Ariana, I missed you so much." She followed after showering me with hugs and kisses. Once we were in the living room, tears in her eyes, she whispered "Are you okay, Ari?"

"No... I don't think I'll ever be okay. My heart hurts so much. Mom, It's Harry. I don't know what this is, but I miss him so much. Mommy, this hurts so much. Please help me, please say something I can't handle this anymore! I want the pain to stop, I want it to stop!" I sobbed in hysterics, her mouth wide in shock she pulled me into her chest. "There's something you should know Ari..." As she was about to continue Frankie barged in hugging and kissing me, repeating "oh my god" about a hundred times. After hours of catching up with my family, I told them I wanted to go home, right before they remarked that they were my home. I nodded saying "I just need to be alone."