Rewrite Your Happiness (A Ryan Ross Fanfiction)

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(A/N: Posting this chapter off of a cruise to Norway. I've had an Old Fashioned and a Strawberry/Lime Daiquiri in honor of two Panic songs...so enjoy the chapter while I determine if I'm tipsy or it's just the waves...FYI, it is the latter. Also, actual Ryan Ross's living room in picture above^. Found on his Instagram page. :3)

Ryan asked if I could come over to his house that afternoon after we finished our janitor work. This was a surprise because he never asked anyone to come over to his house...ever. I don't know if he wanted a change from our apartment's atmosphere or did not want Brendon to know, but I complied. Our talks were always important and meaningful, so I had to mentally prep myself for an evening of deep discussions.

-Later- 
(A/N: I implore you to read slowly and play that lovely song^ 😏)

Ryan took me to his room. I had never been in his room before. I wasn't surprised by the clean floor or the dark ascetic, but he had a vast collection of candles that preoccupied his dresser which...I did not know he had such a passion for collecting those. "I've never been in your room before." I said as I walked around. He nodded, keeping his eyes on me. "So are you okay after what happened earlier? I mean, that was a lot of shit to—"

I was cut off as his lips crashed into mine. Even though I was surprised, I forgot how good it felt to kiss him. I returned the kiss quickly, and closed my eyes. I clenched his shoulder with one hand and put my other hand behind me so I wouldn't fall on my back. As we toppled onto his bed, my conscious state of right and wrong took a backseat as my perception through actions took over. Ryan caressed my cheek as he started kissing me harder. I squeezed his shoulder hard out of discomfort from being kissed with such force. I stroked his messy hair out of his face as my lips longed for more. He quickly whipped off his shirt and kissed me again. I felt his hand move to pull my hair out of the thick ponytail holder keeping everything back.

I was just letting this happen. Was this what I wanted? I couldn't think straight. My actions were speaking louder and louder as I pulled his head in.

My wavy hair dropped from the crown of my head as I ran my hand over his smooth shoulder and bony arm. Ryan started to kiss my neck and my hand moved to the back of his head. This attention...this affection...I wanted more. I stroked his nape with curled fingers, feeling a desperate need to be closer to him. I pulled my arms out of my sleeves tossed my shirt over my head, as Ryan ran a hand down the side of my stomach and hip. His touch gave me a deathly chill of suffering, but I pulled him even closer in hope of filling that void. I kissed his cheek and he let out a breath of pleasure, his hand stroking my shoulder-blade.

I was so caught up in the motions that it made me think this is what love really was. What it felt like. That's when a simple phrase chimed in the back of my mind:

"It's better if you do."

I remembered what the voice said and my eyes opened. Ryan was kissing me harder and held me closer so the bare skin of our bodies were almost completely intertwined with each other.

This wasn't right.

I began to retreat inwards as he leaned into me, making my back touch the blankets on the bed. I pulled away, moving out from under him and breathed in. The realization had me so frazzled that I started to feel goosebumps forming all over me. That wasn't like me at all. I tugged on the wisps of hair in front of my eyes. Ryan leaned back and stared at me, surprised.

"What are you doing?" I asked nervously. He cocked his head to the left, out of breath and confused.

"I've changed my mind...and...you told me to find you when I did. So...here we are." Ryan said, rubbing his forearm.