Wake Up, You're Different

Chapter 10

When we got home we had a serious conversation. I didn't want to talk about this but I knew I had to.
"Syd...I think I should tell you something."
"What's up?"
I pulled up my sleeve and she saw more cuts along my wrist. Her smile was gone and she just stared at them.
"Paisley you were supposed to tell me when you weren't doing well. I would have helped you. I want to help you."
"I know, Syd I'm so sorry."
"P, it's fine. I will love you no matter what. It's just something we have to get through together. I will be there every step of the way and make sure you get better."
"Where were we?"
She kissed my cheek and snuggled up with me.
"P I'm too tired and sore for that let's just go to bed. But I'm sorry for ruining our date."
"You proposed to me...how exactly did you ruin it?"
"Good point."
I wrapped my arms around her and she snuggled up with me. I looked back at my wrists. I needed to do something to get better. I fell asleep and then woke up in the middle of the night. I rolled over to look at the clock.
"2 am, seriously?"
I groaned and rolled out of bed. I kissed her cheek and went downstairs. I grabbed my laptop and started looking for the answer. I knew what it was, I didn't like it but I had to do it. I found what I was looking for and closed the laptop.
"I'll show her tomorrow."
I went back upstairs to find Syd awake waiting for me crying.
"Paisley, let me see."
I rolled my sleeves up. Nothing was there.
"Syd I have something to show you in the morning. It will help me get better I promise."
"Okay well get over here my beautiful fiancé."
We fell back to sleep. I really don't like the answer but it's the only way for her to feel safe when she leaves me alone. I started tearing up and I held Syd tighter. She knows when I'm upset I hold her tightly.
"Shhhhhhh P you're okay. We'll get through this."
She obviously was annoyed and wanted to go to sleep but we didn't have school tomorrow and she could sleep all day.
"Paisley wake up it's 10:00, you've been asleep for too long."
"Ugh don't make me move. We can talk here."
"Fine, only because I don't want to fight with my fiancé."
"Don't overuse it."
She gave me a smirk and I just rolled my eyes at her.
"FIANCÉ FIANCÉ FIANCÉ!"
"What the hell?"
We were both laughing at this point. We were obviously still pretty tired because we were "drunk laughing".
"Syd get my laptop."
She went downstairs and when I heard her come upstairs, she had more than just my laptop, she had a full breakfast.
"Syd you didn't have to do this."
"Yes I did. Now let's talk."
"Okay I was looking last night at a therapist, for both of us."
"Why me exactly?"
"I thought you could use some support while you are helping me with me recovery."
"Okay. I want to help you. I think I can do it alone."
"Syd I love you and wish you could but I need to stop hurting you when I'm hurting."
"Paisley, you aren't hurting me. You are making our relationship stronger every time you talk about this. When you open up, it makes me think you really love me because I wouldn't say this to someone I didn't love. I believe we can get through this together....alone."
"Whatever you think but this is the next option."
"Okay."
I finished eating and started all my homework. This is why I hate school...why do I have to do this extra work exactly? After a while I started to get frustrated and angry.
"Syyyyyd I can't do this. I'm not smart and I'm not going to graduate."
I was crying at this point. Syd got up a wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Yes you are smart. You missed 3 years of school. I will help you and you WILL graduate."
"Okay."
I looked into her sky blue eyes and realized she really did love me and would do whatever it takes to help me. Throughout the day she helped me with my math.
"SYYYYYD I CANT DO THIS."
"Yes you can. You almost got it."
"No I can't do it."
She grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly.
"Look at me."
I looked at her with tears running down my face. I looked like a mess.
"Paisley you can do it. I believe in you."
I got up and ran upstairs. Syd watched me knowing I'd come back down. I ran and flopped face down on the bed. I was scream crying. I heard her come upstairs. She sat on the other end of the bed.
"P you are so smart. We can get through this together, you just can't give up so easily."
She left me alone. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. She hugged me.
"It'll be okay. I promise."
I finished all my work around midnight on Saturday. I trudged up the stairs and saw Syd peacefully asleep. I got into bed and kissed her cheek. She rolled over and whispered.
"There's my beautiful fiancé. I knew you would do it."
"I love you too."
I wrapped my arms around her, she snuggled up into my chest and fell asleep. I woke up at noon on Sunday to Syd kissing me.
"Why do you do this every morning?"
"Shhhh you love it."
"Yeah I do."
I kissed her back softly. Then it got intense. Her kiss left a mark on my neck.
"Really?"
"I loooove youuuu"
After we snuggled and watched cheesy Hallmark movies. I started crying because I'm a sappy person. She looked at me and started laughing.
"What?"
"Nothing. You know we are a living romcom right?"
"Yeah. I wouldn't have it any other way."
I leaned over and kissed her cheek. Both our phones started blowing up with texts.
"Oh yeah, word is spreading that we are engaged."
"I was going to do it in private, just between us but I thought it was the perfect time and I want everyone to know that I am out and proud."
"Awwww I love you."
"Should I post something? I don't care but I don't want to do it without your permission."
"Go ahead. Do that cute picture of us kissing, it's so cute. And anyway it'll show people that we are happy. People think you are forcing me into this."
"What? Are you happy? Do you not really want to be with me?"
She started tearing up.
"No no I want to be with you but other people don't like us together. They are probably mad I took the hottest, sexiest girl off the market."
"Please I'm not even that cute."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are actually the cutest thing ever. Your smile makes the room light up."
She blushes and smiles at me.
"Really?"
"Yes"
"I'm hungry."
"Wow I tell you how pretty you are and you just say your hungry?"
We were both laughing. I want to do something special for her but I don't know what.
"Syd I'll make dinner. Just come downstairs with me so I'm not lonely."
"P you don't have to."
"But I want to."
I pick her up and carry her downstairs.
"Paisley how are you that strong?"
"You aren't that heavy."
I set to work in the kitchen. I knew what I wanted to make, shrimp scampi. I stared boiling the water and prepping the shrimp. She wouldn't leave me alone.
"Let's order takeout I want to cuddle."
"No I want to do something special for my fiancé."
I kept cooking and working. She was watching from the couch.
"Please come cuddle with me"
"No I want to do this for you. I'm almost done anyway."
She sighed and curled up on the couch alone.
"Food."
She ran over and kissed me.
"You remembered it's my favorite!"
"How could I forget."
She ate happily and I couldn't stop smiling.
"This is so good. I didn't know you could cook."
"This is one of the only things I can make"
She started laughing and kissed me.
"I honestly don't care, I could eat this everyday."
"Syd no college is going to want me."
"Yes they will. And you don't have to go to college right away. I'm going this year but we can buy an apartment and you can live with me until you figure out what you want to do."
"I want to go to school with you. But I want to go to a music school."
"P you can do whatever and we will get through it."
We went upstairs and we watched movies. Syd was on the computer the whole time looking at colleges.
"Syd I don't want to be far away from you, I don't think I can do it."
"Stop."
"What?"
"I can't be with you every second of every day. I love you but I need to live my life and you need to live yours."
I started to tear up but she didn't care. She let go of my hand.
"And I want to live life normally for a while."
"Are you going to leave me because I'm depressed? I can't control it. I'm sorry."
I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the floor in a ball crying. She didn't even check on me. The minutes turned into hours. I was sitting there for about 3 hours. I don't remember what I did but my wrists were bloody. I cleaned up my wrists and checked the time, midnight. I opened the door and she was sitting on the bed crying. I had my sleeves pulled down so she couldn't see what I did.
"I'm sorry I've been a jerk lately. Just so stuff has been clouding my judgment."
"Syd what's going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it."