To End Heartache

Chp 8.2: Goodbye is Forever

   I open my eyes and I'm laying face down in the snow, though I don't feel it's cold touch against my skin.  No, I don't feel anything at all in fact.  My body feels numb honestly.  Physically I can feel the snow, I can feel all around me the breeze in the air, it's just an odd feeling to not feel the chill of snow.

   Rising to my feet, I take a look around to gather my bearings, it only takes me a few seconds to notice where I am, the lake.  The water moves ever so slighty, a few ripples form here and there.  The trees around me are covered in a beautiful white blanket of snow, and the sky above me is filled with stars, not a cloud in sight. 

   I look across the lake and I can see the pier on the other side, someone is standing on it and without even getting a clear look at her face, I know exactly who it is.  Through the thick snow that covers the ground, I make my way around the lake and to the pier where I am greeted once again by a figure that I've become all too familiar with, a woman in a white dress, mother.

   She stands at the end of the pier, looking down into the water, her back to me.  Her white dress flows gently in the breeze, it's such a calming image, like something you'd see on the cover of a book or a movie.  My mother was always beautiful in my eyes, never once did I see an impurity in her. I start to approach her.

   Mother?" I ask, making my way down the pier until I am but a few feet away from her.

   She turns towards me, and I'm greeted with the haunting image from so many nights before.  Her head hanging to one side, eyes that once exuded brilliance are now black abysses, and the sadistic grin, like something that came straight from Satan's hand. 

   " Why? I know what you really look like mom, why do you look so evil now?" I ask her.  I can't say why though because I never expected an answer. She just stares at me, unmoving. 

   "I know why its, because of the way I feel isn't it?  You've turned into this monstrous being because I blame myself for your suicide."

"All your fault." She whispers back to me in a distorted voice.

"No, no it's not my fault.  It never was, but I blamed myself for everything.  I was haunted by the image of you hanging there every day, and every day it drove me deeper and deeper into a pit of despair that I never thought I would get out of. I even dreamed about you every night." I say, walking closer to her.  I'm not afraid anymore.

   "It never was my fault.  I didn't take your life away, and I didn't drive you to do it.  It was self-loathing, your own insecurities, the same ones that I have and that showed through tonight.  That fucking voice inside of our heads telling us to just die already.  That's what caused this, to me and you.

   Her body starts to shake ever so slightly, almost like she's entering a convulsive state.

   "You've become my inner demon, but the mother I remember was the most caring woman I ever knew.  She was selfless and would never harm a soul.  She was loving and made every person whose life she touched stop and think, that's someone I can look up to." 

Her body is shaking furiously now, and she falls down to her knees.

   " She was a woman who I was proud to call my mother, and a woman that I always loved."

   She lets out a scream and her body ceases movement, her head facing down into the wooden boards of the pier, slowly it rises and I am greeted with my mother's beautiful blue eyes and radiant smile. I collapse to my knees and the tears start flowing immediately as we embrace.  Her warm touch is so comforting, its the feeling that only a mother could give you.

   " I love you too Sam." She says to me in her elegant and soft voice. The tears still falling, soaking into the wood beneath me.

   "Mom, am I really dead?" I ask, just barely being able to get out a sentence.  She stands to her feet and offers her hand to me, I take hold of it and she helps me up.

   Behind me, I hear what sounds like a windchime.  I turn and see that there's a circle of light just beyond the pier's beginning.  Its shine is so bright and so familiar. Returning my focus to my mother, I notice that tears start to form in the corner of her eyes.

   "Sam, you made a choice tonight, but you have one more to make."  She extends her hand to me.

"You can come with me, and we'll be together forever, or you can go back to the others and tell you're story to the world."  She says.

"Mom... I don't want to leave you again.  I just got you back, please I don't want you to go yet."  I say, taking a glance at the circle of light behind me.  It's getting smaller and smaller.

   I put my head down, and grab my mother's hand.  I need to feel her touch again. So many memories come flooding back to me. Times when we sat through the night and talked to each other. Nights when we would lie under the stars, and just loose ourselves in the luminescent sky. Days when I would come home crying, just to be comforted by her sweet and loving embrace. Memories where all I see is laughter and happiness, but those are just memories, memories that will last a lifetime.

I just needed to feel her touch one last time, so I relax my grip and her hand falls to her side.

"I love you, mom." I say, turning away from her and begin to walk towards the light.

   My feet are off of the pier now, there's no going back.  But I'll move until my legs give out.  Tears fall and melt into the snow, but I don't want to cry.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I want to feel alive, I don't even want to die anymore.

   The light is only a few inches away now, I take one last look at her, she smiles at me and waves.

"We try to find security in tragedy. But when we do, take a look around and notice the black, that begins to drown our simplicity. Goodbye is forever, Sam." She says and then slowly starts to fade from existence until there is nothing left.
   "Mom, I finally want to be alive." I say and as the last bit of light fades into obscurity, I walk through it.