I can't get You out of my head! (On Hold)

18. The truth

Frederic PoV

As I enter my office I keep my back to the door and my eyes on my desk. I need to calm down! The sight of Noah leaning over a squatting, obviously upset Jon has my blood boiling and I really have to fight myself hard in order to not punch Noah in the face when he comes through the door. Turning around and seeing Jon's terrified expression, almost snaps the fraying tether holding my building temper in check.

But I will not punch Noah! That is what HE would have done. And I am not HIM! I swore that I would be a better man than my asshole father. And this is where I test the strength of my resolve! Instead of breaking Noahs nose, as my anger is begging me to do, I take a deep breath, look Noah straight in the eyes and with a voice as cold as an arctic breeze I utter a single word "Explain!"

That single word holds several questions. Why did Noah have Jon cornered? Why was Jon squatting with his back against the wall, while Noah loomed threateningly over him? Why was Jon so upset? And most importantly! What the hell is it that Jon needs to tell me?

Just as Noah is about to open his mouth, Jon places a slightly shaking hand on his forearm. Instead of answering me, Noah looks down on the hand and then up at Jon's face. It seems almost like they are having an entire conversation with just that look. Just before my patience snaps, Jon shakes his head a little and looks directly at me.

"This is not Noahs fault my- Frederic." He says quietly "He was just reminding me, that somethings need to be out in the open for honest communication to work." The look in his eyes becomes imploring "May I please request a private conversation? Noah dosen't need to be here for this!" With the prospect of finally getting some answers, I give Noah a dismissive look. "Leave!". This is the most polite that my anger will allow me to be, and Noah knows not to push my buttons right now. So for maybe the first time in all the years that he has been my bodyguard, Noah follows my order without question or joke and quietly leaves the room.

As the door closes, I turn to look at Jon. It does not seem like Noahs departure has calmed him at all. I can almost feel the nervousness in the air around him and I am guessing that the anger and frustration showing on my face is not helping the situation one bit. Seeing his scared face has my anger slowly subsiding. It is not him that I am angry with, it is this whole situation. I hate the feeling of being left in the dark, the feeling that there is an important bit of information that I am missing.

I sigh as I round my desk, trying to vent some of my frustration. After all, me being angry will not help the situation in general, and more specifically it will not help Jon calm down. Sitting, I gesture to the chair in front of the desk, urging Jon to take a seat. He looks a little lost, and I cannot help but want to comfort him. "Do you need something to drink? I have water in the minibar." I offer. He nods distractedly and I get him a bottled water from the mini-fridge under my desk. He does not drink from it though, he just holds it, turning it around once in a while and fiddles with the label.

After a couple of minutes, the silence and Jon's fidgeting gets to me and I clear my throat. "Eventually, you will have to start talking Jon. We cannot sit here all night." I prod softly. Somehow the slightly awkward silence has helped me get my temper fully under control again and my frustrations have shrunk to a more manageable level. He nods while taking a deep breath. "I know." He says quietly. "I'm just trying to collect my thoughts and maybe find a little courage."

He then looks up at me with determination. "There's something that I need to tell you, something about me. It's not something that I'm ashamed of, but is it not something that comes up in polite conversation either."

I can feel my heart start beating a little faster and my mind starts running different scenarios. Is he ill? Is he secretly married? Does he owe money to shady people? But before my head goes into a full on tailspin, he throws out a sentence that has a much greater tailspin potential.

"I really like you Frederic!"

He quickly continues "That wasn't actually what I needed to tell you. But it still needed to be said!" The way he says those words, makes it abundantly clear that he is not talking about liking me in just a friendly way. They are said in a way that openly states, that he has enjoyed our shared smiles, conversations and growing closeness as much as I have. I want to answer him, but before I can get out more than "...I..." he holds up his hand and blurts out "Please let me finish before you say anything." I nod and indicate that I will let him go on uninterrupted.

"As I said. I like you. I like you enough, to want to see where this "Like" could lead. And I really, really hope that you like me too! Because if you don't, then I'm just sitting here making a huge fool of myself. But, and it always seems like there's a but in there somewhere, dosen't it?" He seems to ramble a little "But... " He looks down at the bottle in his hands. "... before we can even start to see if the "Like" could ever be anything more, you need to know a very important detail about me. This is something that has a big influence on how I enter into a relationship and on what I need from a partner."

He then looks me straight in the eyes "I am a Submissive! Frederic, I need my partner to be a Dominante. I don't know how much you know about BDSM besides the slutty way the media portrays it, but it is not all chains and whips and punishments. It is so much more!" As he gets warmed up to his subject he starts to gesture animatedly with his hands. "True BDSM is about trust and honesty and openness. It is about the Submissive having the strength to give up control and the Dominante having the heart not to misuse it! It is about guidance through life and following through on agreements. It is the freedom through rules and the safety to take risks. And yes! It is of cause also about the hot kinky sex." He ends his little rant by placing the, still unopened, bottle of water on my desk and getting to his feet.

"Do you like me Frederic?" He asks very seriously. And then holds up his hand again. "Before you answer that, I'll leave you to think about what I have said. Because I would like an honest answer that I know is based on an informed decision. And that takes a little time. If you want more information about BDSM please don't hesitate to ask me or if that's too awkward, I'm pretty sure that Noah will be able to answer a question or two. If you decide that this is all too much, please just have Jacob assign you a new liaison. I am still damn good at my job and your Com-Team needs me."

With this Jon gracefully turns and walks out. Leaving me alone in the now quiet office.

I have a lot of thinking to do!

Published November 11. 2018

I'm very sorry for letting you hang on this cliff for so long! This was a very hard chapter to write as I wanted it to be perfekt. I'm not sure that perfection has been reached. But I am happy with how it turned out. I will never publish a chapter that I find half-assed. I want to be happy with my book!

Thank you for your patience!

Until next time.

Don't do anything that I wouldn't do!