I can't get You out of my head! (On Hold)

19. Keeping my distance.

Jon PoV

This last week has been pure hell. My King hasn't given me an answer or any indication as to what one might be. He hasn't replaced me as liaison yet though and I'm choosing to see that as a good thing. At the very least, he doesn't seem disgusted by my lifestyle choice.

I have decided to put on my "work hat" and just be the best liaison that I can be. I don't want to pressure Frederic into a choice, therefore every time that I am in a room with my King, I work very hard to keep my face neutral and not let my longing show.

I'm also doing my very best to not be in a situation where I would be alone with him. I'm afraid that I would just fall to my knees and beg him for what I need. And I still consider myself to have too much pride to actually want to do that!

With that in mind, I have rescheduled our daily briefings alone and instead had them as team meetings either with the Com-Team, the Sec-Team or both, stating planning issues as the reason.

On top of all this, I'm struggling with a very guilty conscience. I didn't mean to throw Noah Lund under the bus like that. That was fucking lousy of me, to out him to his employer. I did not have any right to do that, however much he forced my hand in opening up to my King. Because of my nagging conscience, I have asked for a meeting with Master Sarge at "The Black Site". I need to tell him what I did, because I have signed his NDA. I don't know if Noah is a member there, but I still screwed up royally!

After today's briefing, which Jacob attended, I have to leave quickly to be able to make it to "The Black Site" on time, leaving very little time for me to make parting pleasantries after the meeting. I barely have time to notice my Kings disapproving look before I'm out the door, almost running to my car.

Weaving through traffic, I spit curses at all the idiot drivers around me, who are apparently all on their way to a conference for the trafically impaired which must be hosted somewhere near where I'm going, since the automotive stupidity just won't let up.

Finally I arrive at the club, just in the nick of time. But even though it'll make me a little late, I take the time to do a quick breathing exercise to calm my road rage and settle my nerves. I want to present myself in Master Sarge's office calm and collected. 

I leave my car and walk to the front door, that Master Sarge promised would be unlocked for me. Inside I head straight for the office and knock on the door. When I hear the order to enter, I open the door and walk in with my eyes lowered. Closing the door behind me, I take a few steps before I kneel in the middle of the floor and lean into the forgiveness pose.

I can hear papers rustling and the Master Dom moving some things around on the desk and using his keyboard. He ignores me for about ten minutes before he clears his throat and then asks "Are you kneeling in forgiveness because you were late, or do you have more that you need to be sorry for ?" Since the Master Dom was the one who trained me as a submissive, I know how much he loathes people being late and having to tell him that I screwed up even more is making my voice shake a little as I answer, never leaving my perfect pose.

"I'm very sorry for my tardiness. I can only say that I was too optimistic with the traffic when I asked for this meeting. And I'm unfortunately not only kneeling because I was late." I take a deep breath and let it out before I continue. "I kneel because I feel that I need to be punished but since I don't have my own Dom, I would ask you to please do this for me!"

I can hear a sharp intake of breath at my request. 

"Why don't you kneel at attention and then tell me why you feel that you need a punishment?" Master Sarge was always a strict but fair Dominante, never giving a harsher punishment than I knew I desserved and always demanding my side of a story before deciding how to proceed.

As I sit up, I try to gather my thoughts, but they are all so mixed up that I give up and decide to just let everything out. Maybe the Master Dom can help me make sense of everything.

"I think that I have found the man that I want to be my dominante, but he is not in our lifestyle. I'm convinced that he'd be an amazing Dom though! He has so much natural authority and at the same time he is a really caring person, always trying to make sure that I'm comfortable. We've been flirting for some time now and about a week ago I was forced to tell him exactly what I would need from him if we were to consider getting more serious."

While I am ranting, Master Sarge has been leaning back in his chair, but as I tell him that my confession was forced, he leans forward again and interrupts me. "I'm gonna need some clarification on how you were forced to "come out" to your man!" He damands.

I hesitate. Getting into more details would disclose who I would like as my partner and I don't know if Frederic would be comfortable with that. On the other hand, Master Sarge is one of the most trustworthy people I will ever come across and I really need his help.

While I'm lost in my hesitation, the Master Dom gets impatient. "You need to tell me exactly what you meant with "forced" Boy!" His deep voice brings me out of my head with the decision to lay it all out and I tell him everything that has happened, from the audience all the way up to our conversation last week, the confrontation that lead to it and the hell that has been the last week. The whole time I'm talking, Master Sarge is keeping a calm and neutral face. His mask is only broken when he hears about my run in with Noah Lund.

When I'm done with my word vomiting I feel relieved, as if just telling someone has taken a weight of my shoulders. Master Sarge looks at me curiously "What was it that you felt that you needed to be punished for?" He asks "Was it giving Noah Lund's name out to the King as a BDSM reference? Because if that's your only transgression I will absolve you of that guilt right now. You didn't out him per se. You just alluded to the fact that he might be a credible source. I know that this is skirting the boundaries but I will let it slide, since there were extenuating circumstances."

He leans back in his chair again and says "On a slightly different subject... You need to stop running Boy! If you want your man to tell you if he wants you, you need to stand still long enough for him to be able to have a real conversation with you. It sounds to me like you've been hiding behind work to escape a scary subject. And that needs to stop! For good or for bad, this is a conversation that needs to happen. Let him catch you. If he is as caring as you said, he will be there with open arms. And now, why don't  you get up from the floor and have a cup of coffee with me? We haven't talked in ages and I want to hear all about Fenya's latest antics"

At this, I get up from my position on the floor and sit in the chair in front of his desk. He knows that I'll need time to think my way through his advise and he is giving me a possibility to calm my head before I do anything stupid. I take the offered cup of coffee and we spend the next hour just talking, laughing about my crazy sister and what else has happened since last we saw each other.

Published December 4. 2018

I'm very, very, very sorry for the long wait. Thank you to everyone who is still here for "my boys"!

This is published without editing of any sort.

Until next time.

Don't do anything that I wouldn't do!