I thought this book was over , but I'm dying to spill more shit. Well this is so fucking depressing to admit but I'm not myself at all anymore.
I don't like how I am and how I blame the world on how I feel , I'm at a weight I've never been in my life. I'm depressed to the point of I spend my days in my bed rolled up like a fucking burrito crying.
Bitch I'm not a burrito I'm a fucking chips ahoy, and I don't know how to get back to that lately. I miss someone so deeply in my heart it's killing me inside out. My brother is my best friend I miss him so much.
My mother is a mess and I cannot tell her about how I feel cause she can't control herself when I talk about it so I keep it to myself. My family is everywhere so I don't get to talk about it to anyone. I'm trapped, and I have to act like I'm okay. No one else acts okay, everyone panics all the time and I don't know how to fix it so I'm the one to stay calm.
Suppressing myself has really taken a toll on me I can't even cry without forcing myself to stop. So yeah I'm fucking becoming a horror story from the inside and I'm trying not to let that shit show. I don't have friends to tell all these issues to because I go to a predominately white school where none of these kids would understand. If you're white and reading this don't get offended but I could give about no fucks if you did, you don't understand the fucking downsides of being poc so please don't be offended. Sure they understand financial issues, poverty, and depression, but where mine stems is mostly because of the school I go to and they wouldn't understand why I'm depressed about the school I go to.
I'm judged for being who I am and it's hard being the only black person in the room all the time. Proving that I'm smart enough all the time and not being able to let this anger out is so irritating, it is too fucking hard. I literally don't have friends, I don't talk to anyone and the people I do I'm not close with because of choosing the extent of how much I need to deal with some people.
I miss having good people in my life. I miss having my dumbass brother calling me stupid. I miss having my idiot friends laughing with me for no reason. I miss crying laughing all by myself. I miss being happy and smiling. I miss being in deep love with people . I miss being able to care about myself. I miss being able to have connections with people, I miss the way I used to smile. I miss the way I used to talk, think, laugh. I miss my beautiful mind , I miss being able to feel emotions. I don't feel much anymore, the sharp pangs in my chest don't happen when someone says something hurtful. When some bad thought comes in my head, I'm numb. When I know I'm depressed about something and cannot pour out into a crying session i know I am not myself no longer. I can't fucking cry anymore and I don't know why.
I will take this sadness, anger, no emotion feeling, the numbness, the painful nights , the losses, the depression. I don't know where but hopefully upsides come up soon , hopefully I can be myself again. I hope everything turns out for the better.
sincerely,
a lost cause
