The First Cut is the Deepest

Chapter 9

"I'm so, so sorry Tim!"   I cry.

"Zona. Sweetie, wake up."  I hear Teddy, fear and worry lace her voice.

I bolt up in my bed, almost causing Teddy and Maura to fall off it. 

"Sweetie, what happened?"  Teddy asks, placing her hands on mine.

I can only sob.  I haven't had that nightmare in a long time.  Sure I remember it every time it's hot and I wear jeans, but reliving it while i sleep?  Last time that happened was before my big breakdown.

Teddy and Maura sit on either side of me, both with an arm around me.  When I start to think about the breakdown I cry harder, causing them to wrap their other arms around me.  I know they are trying to help but it only makes it worse.  'Why do they put up with me?  I know this is hurting them.  Why don't they just quit and leave me alone to deal with my shit myself?' I know the answer.. they love me.  But i don't understand why.  'Why would they put themselves through so much pain on purpose? I'm not worth it!'  

I can hear them whispering, but I can't understand what they're saying over my cries.  'Why can't I just be normal?  Why does so much shit happen to me?  What the fuck did I do to deserve this?  Was I that horrible of a person in another life?'  The questions run through my head over, and over again.

When I finally stop crying they pull away from me.  'Great, here comes the lecture.'  I slowly look up to meet their gaze.

Maura is first to speak,  "You had the Walmart nightmare again, didn't you?"

I only nod, and drop my gaze back to my lap.

"Arizona, Sweetie." Teddy starts, I know she wants me to look at her, but I can't.  I can't see the hurt I'm causing her.  She gives up on me looking at her and continues, "Sweetie, pull your sleeves up.  Please." 

I shake my head, no.

"We already know, Dear." Maura sighs.

I start to cry again.  'Damn it!'  I pull up my left sleeve, and reveal the bandage.

"Sweetie, why didn't you come to us?"

"I didn't want to hurt you." I cry, collapsing into Teddy's lap.

"We're always here for you, Dear.  You can come to us.  Don't ever feel like you're a burden to us.  You aren't!  We love you, and care so much about you."  Maura says, hugging me.  I can tell she's holding back tears.  They both are.  They're trying so hard to be strong for me.

"How can we help?"  Teddy asks as she strokes my hair.

"You can't." I sigh.

"Why not?" Maura asks.

"Because there's only two person who can help, and they're both the reasons I need help." i pus myself out of Teddy's lap and focus my eyes back on my lap.  "Did i break my phone?"

"Sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Yeah, I'm with Teddy on this one, Dear."

"Did.  I.  Break.  My.  Phone?"  I ask again, making sure to enunciate each word.  I don't mean to snap at them, but I do.  I feel bad about it, but I can't seem to help it.

"No."  Maura sighs, handing it to me.

"Thanks."  I smile sadly.  "Can you guys..?"

They look between each other, before Maura answers, "Okay. We'll go to the living room.  But the all the doors stay open."  Her tone is serious, and I agree to her condition.

Hey.  --A

I didn't have to wait long for a reply.

Hey.  I'm so sorry Arizona.  I feel terrible.  --C

I sigh.  Yeah.  Me too.  --A

Why are you texting me?  Aren't you mad at me?  --C

'How can she think that I'm mad at her?  I've never been mad at her.  Hurt?  Yeah.  Upset?  Sure.  But mad?  Calliope,  I've never been mad at you.  It's impassable.  --A

Arizona, I broke up with you.. Again!  You should be mad.  --C

I'm not mad.  I'm hurt,  badly.  But I'm not mad.  --A

Why not!?  --C

IDK.  But i'm not.  --A

Ok  --C

Callie,  I love talking to you.  You're the only person that can make me happy when all I want to do is curl up and die.  And I don't know why that is( which irritates me b/c I hate not knowing).  But I do know that I'm not mad at you.  I'm just hurt..  And as much as I want to be more than a friend, I'd rather be just a friend, than not be anything but a memory..  --A

Ok  --C

Ok :(  --A

She doesn't reply and I don't know what that means.  But hopefully it means we can still be friends...