Dear Journal,
The sun was just arising above the horizon. As always I couldn't sleep and decided to watch the sun rise- it's the only time I feel any peace. The sun reminds me of warmth and happiness; two things I wish I had. You see, I feel like I am floating; drifting in this overly competitive society. Having a deep seeded need to succeed, to make my ancestors proud, but the gut wrenching fear of failure. Of trying to my wits end and getting no where. These are one of the many things that keep my mind racing and breathing through the ever-looming night. I don't like the night as much as I like the sunrises, but I like the moon and stars as much as I like the sunrises. I dislike the night because of the dark. It's cold and unwelcoming. The night reminds me of everything taboo, dark and unknown. But there is poetry in the night as there is in the day, without the night you wouldn't be able to see the stars or the moon. You need the refreshment of the night, as unwilling as I am to admit it. To be constantly in the sun, everything always known, is more core shaking then the unknown. There are two parts of me; one that wants to be with the wind, let it take me where it may. Then there is this equally as large part of me that needs the structure and routine, the need to be in the known. I am still uncertain as to which one is more dominant than the other. I'll let them figure it out. Well, the sun has risen and I have to carry on. Unfortunately.
- Estelle
