The Ship Everyone Wants To Sail

One Year Later

Well, it's one year since the game night. I transferred out of that college wanting to get away from all the drama, but I came back to help with tech week. I really wanted you to be there. So much that it hurts and it bothers me. I feel like I'm back at square one with my feelings for you. 

I knew for a fact that you were going to be at the gaming fundraiser again, you wouldn't miss it for the world. And I was right. You were there. I asked my friend who went this year and if you were there and she said yes. A wave a sadness just rushed over me thinking that you didn't come to see me, but then why would you? We have stopped being so close since she came into your life. I haven't had a good conversation with you in a month and before that, it was 6 months. I have been avoiding you and distancing myself from you because I needed to. But then Snapchat has this "On This Day" update that shows you what you posted on that day since you have been on Snapchat and bam, there goes your face. The face that I still love to this day. 

Ever since the anniversary of our first rehearsal together, I can't stop thinking about you. You have been on my mind 24/7 and it's honestly so annoying because I know that I can't have you. You have changed. All I think about is the old you, my you, but you changed to be with the girl you are with now. I still respect her. She makes you happy which is all I can ask for. You are finally getting your grades up after me trying to convince you to before she came along. 

However, you changed. Like a big bad change. 

Before you met Lillith, you wanted to transition to a female. You did drag, loved to show off your dresses and wigs to me over Snapchat and wanted to grow out your hair and make it blonde. Ever since Lillith happened, you gave away your dresses and makeup, cut your hair, and ditched the whole idea of transitioning. 

If you are in the LGBTQIA+ community, you know that you just don't randomly drop wanting to transition after all your life. 

I was so scared for you. I remember you coming to me asking for advice and help to get hormones because you trusted me to be by your side through it. I remember us talking about going to the mall one day and just trying on prom dresses for the heck of it because you weren't able to for your high school prom. 

You were trying to give me one of your dresses but I literally could not and told you to keep it. I remembered this dress being your favourite one and the one you always showed off. I cried when you were convincing me to take the dress through messaging because I knew that she broke you.

You even donated your wig collection. Your wigs were your babies, your prized collection, you wouldn't let anything happen to them and now they're gone. My you, the old you, is gone. 

When Lillith was first introduced into our lives, all of the friends I made at the college had something bad to say about her. She ruined so many lives and relationships and she is still doing it to this day. I don't take other people's comments about someone to heart until I experience them and boy did I experience her bad side. She is just a manipulative bitch who knows how to get her way. 

When I found out her true side, I was so fucking worried because she had you under her spell. She is a straight female and won't bend for no one. I remember her telling me one day that she told me she was also worried for you (and it was way after you sold everything). She told me that she said she will still accept you even as a female and will let you do drag and wanted my help to get you back. But I knew that it was too late for that and you are a very stubborn person.

She sucked me back into her good side and I don't know how she did. She is the cause of all of my emotional turmoil and I know that because my counselor helped me to that conclusion (and also my counselor said that I had one of the worst break up stories she has ever heard and I have every right to be this broken). 

It was a time where you decided to message me more than you did in the past 6 months and I wondered why because normally when you message me now it's because something happened with you and Lillith. And I was right you were falling out of love for her and she noticed so she came to me for help since I was the last person you liked. I was both smug and pissed off because she was the one who hated me first in the beginning for being too close to you and because I wanted nothing to do with you.

I was going to say no to Lillith because I wanted nothing to do with her bullshit but then she basically pressured me to help her. How? Well, let's start by saying that her medical condition is her having tumors since she was a child around her spinal cord, brain, and nerves. Her condition is noncancerous but can be sometimes. This is that sometimes. 

So basically this tumor was formed around her heart and her heart is very extremely fragile at the moment. Any bit of stress could potentially kill her. With that being said, she basically told me that "if I don't help her get her boyfriend back the heartbreak will kill her." Now, I really don't like this bitch but I'm not going to indirectly have blood on my hands and kill her for not helping her get "her man" back. 

So here I am helping the woman who destroyed both mine and your life to convince you to get back with her. 

Before all of this, I told you that if you are feeling that something is off or wrong and you don't want to be with her then don' be with her. Now, I'm telling you to give Lillith another chance because "she needs you during these hard times." It really pained me to tell you everything I told you because I wanted you to be out of this toxic relationship and be free with who you want to be, but I'm just pushing you back in this corner and I don't want you to hate me for it even though you have every right to. 

It didn't take much convincing from me because I feel like you still trust me in a way and it pained me more that I'm breaking your trust. In the end, you are back with Lillith, Lillith being happier than you are, and me still being single and back to wanting you. 

I just wanted to save you from her. I wanted you to get back into dresses and wigs and makeup and be happy and comfortable with who you were becoming but you're not. You're stuck in this prison not only from your town but because of someone that should make you feel free not contained. 

All I know is that I hate this bitch more for making me do that and I hope you are free from her soon. You were so close. 

I'm sorry.