The Ship Everyone Wants To Sail

December Blues

We got you your winter clothes! I spent so much time looking for the right stuff for you. However, it didn't turn out as well as I planned. The boots I got were a size too big, the coat was a size too small, and you didn't like the beanie. You were very appreciative of the gesture, but I was so sad it didn't go as planned. Stupid different China sizes. 

Well, it's been 2 weeks since your Christmas Gone Wrong. We are all home for winter break and it's about to be a new year. I don't even know how to put in words how I'm feeling. 

I miss you holding my hand. I miss you kissing my cheek. I miss you lip-syncing songs to me. I miss playing with your hair. I miss you trying to beat your own record at solving the Rubiks cube. I miss you. 

But you're with another girl. Someone who swept you off your feet. Someone who makes you happy more than I did. 

I have no competition with her anyway. I don't like how I look, so how will anyone else will. I don't have any story to my name except for traveling to Europe but that makes me sound like I'm bragging. I just couldn't compete.

You apologized for leading me on and kissing me in the car and told me you loved her. You felt so guilty. I feel like you also had pity for me too since I told you I always had bad relationships and situations. That's literally all I had in my life. Pity. I'm just so done with it.

I befriended her, too. Lillith. I wanted to know the person who unknowingly took you away from me. It made me feel worse about myself because she's just this kind, down-to-earth human who makes sure everyone is okay. I now knew why you fell for her so fast. I would too if I was in your position. But it strengthened the thoughts I always had in my head but was able to keep down: "I'm not enough."

I am just this awkward girl who has such a lack of communication skills because of how anti-social I am when it comes to messaging, but in order for a relationship to last, you need communication. I am a petite black/Hispanic girl whose color of skin and type of hair she has bothers her to no end and wishes she was a different ethnicity. If my hate for myself is so prominent, who else will be able to tolerate it? When I tell people of my past, they often use it to their advantage or get scared and stops talking to me. How am I going to be able to have a relationship if I can't even trust people when they learn about me?

I just realized and accepted that I am not relationship material, but it still hurts. I love you.

I still want to be with you, but I don't want to ruin your happiness with her. I cry every night now about not being enough. Sometimes it's just about if I'm enough for me. It's so tiring. Whenever I start to think about it, I get anxiety attacks. I shake a lot and feel a tightness in my chest. I can't breathe most of the time it happens. I usually get over it well, but it has been getting harder and harder to stop by myself. I just want it to stop. The thinking, anxiety, feelings. I just want it to go away. I want to move so far away from where I am, but I know my mind will still be on you no matter where I go and it frustrates me. I just want it all to stop, I just don't know how.

I do try to get better. I went on this website that is like online therapy and it actually works. Talking to people who have no idea who I am is very freeing. They didn't know how I look like or what happened in my life. They just wanted to talk to make sure I was okay. 

I talked to quite a few people and it honestly made me feel better. They gave me advice on how to move forward and to have confidence in myself. They didn't have pity and it sounded so genuine. They understood. 

I'm hoping this strength in me stays. These days seem to be dragging longer and longer and I will go crazy if it's gone. 

See you next semester. Hopefully, I'll be better.