A Different Type of Ending

Chapter 13 - Feyre/Rhysand

Feyre

"Don't you fucking dare." I heard Azriel snarl through the ringing in my ears and the pounding of my heart. I could breath again and the air tasted clear and pure, perfect somehow. "You'll expose me and then get me killed." I shot up from where I was lying on the floor then, after everything no one was dying on my watch. Both males jumped, each of them now staring at me, heads tilted to the side like predators. My breathing started coming heavier again, everyone watching, the shadows swirling. I wanted them to consume me again. The peace in the darkness was beautiful, like nothing here, and selfishly I wanted it. I wanted it again. The shadows moved faster and faster around me, like a whirlwind, pulling pins off the walls and maps off the table. Then Azriel was there, kneeling in front of me, talking at me again. I took a breath, deep and uneven, and listened. 
"Don't give in to them, don't let them win. Don't let the shadows take you, you control them, you are their master." He was looking me dead in the eye and all I could do was stare back. I couldn't control these things, not when they controlled my mind. They were everywhere, in my head, in my body, right in front of me and right behind. I hated them, and I hated the thought that they could defeat me, I hated the thought of giving up. 
"I can't." I whispered to him, now remembering our surroundings and trying to keep my voice down. How long did we have until Sion arrived? How long until I got us all killed?
"Yes you can. I did it, you can do it." And then the shadows stopped moving around me, stopping as if I had pressed pause on the world around me. Then I looked at Azriel, really looked at him, and finally saw the emotion that was in his eyes. Solemn understanding, confusion and fear, but understanding. He knew these shadows, more than I did, he had lived with them for centuries, and now he wore them like a badge of honour. I wasn't like him though, I didn't have people who cared enough about me to fight for me, but my shadows didn't move again, they simply froze, as if held in place by nothing at all. 
"Don't bother," I whispered to him, looking down at the ground again, "I'm not worth it." A tears slid from my molten eye. 
"Yes you are." He snarled at me, and I started, because that was anger in his voice now. Not pity, not understanding, anger pure and hard. I looked up and met his eyes, no more than a scolded child, and I felt like tearing myself apart. I wanted to shrink down to nothing, I wanted to be forgotten, I would be forgotten, no one would bother to remember the failure. "Yes you are." He said again, as if sensing my hesitance. "Your mate waits at home, he counts down the very seconds until he gets to see you. Your Court waits for you, we lost you once, we will not lose you again." He sighed, deep and heavy, "these shadows we share, they do not come from the darkness around us, not like everyone is led to believe. They come from the darkness within us, from a dark place we drag ourselves into. They are a gift from death to beckon us closer, so that we might finally join the shadows once and for all." He smiled at me then, a sad smile, one that had felt pain as I now did, one that knew exactly what emotions ran through my head every single day, calling me closer to the void that loomed in the corners of my mind. "Do not let death tear away everything that makes you who you are Feyre, do not let it draw you so close to the edge of the cliff that there is no other direction except off it. Do not get to the point where your wings are the only thing that come between you and those final few meters until the end. Do not let yourself become what I have." He was kneeling now, his wings dragging on the ground behind him and I wondered whether it was those wings I had to thank for the warrior that now sat in front of me. It was love I felt for him in that moment, not the sort of love I felt for my mate, but a different kind. It was a kind of love you felt for a kindred spirit, a mirror of yourself, had you walked a different path. I let out a loud sob, damn the guards that stood outside the flaps of the tent, but it was not tears of sadness, nor tears of joy, just tears. The shadows had dissolved and I hadn't noticed, but their scent still clung to the air. It was a scent I would never forget, a scent that would linger around me for a long time to come.
"It's not going to be that easy." I said meekly, my voice resembling nothing of the female that had stood in front of an army only minutes, or hours, ago. "To let it go, I mean, I can't just wave the shadows away," I shivered, "they seem to stick." Azriel smiled at me, a small smile, one I had only ever seen on a ghostly face, and he stood and offered me his hand.
"The shadows may stick, Feyre Cursebreaker, but they will never stain." I smiled and took his hand as he lifted me to my feet. The tears stained my cheeks with their salty tracks.
"They will never stain." I repeated back to him, before hearing voices outside, including that of Sion. Had it really been that long? I turned back to Az, who was also now looking at the flaps of the tent as well, "you need to go." He only nodded, not looking back and me, and keeping his eyes fixed on the tent flaps. "Tell Rhys I miss him, and tell him I hope he has become less of a prick in the time we have been apart." I smirked, the emotion arriving on my face like it was being welcomed home. Only this time it wasn't plastered to a mask, wasn't created, it was real and true and felt unbelievably free. Az smirked right back, and then dissolved into shadows and starlight, a whisper of home. I didn't think about how that was the last of my home I would ever see, I didn't think about the hope that had shone in Azriel's eyes, didn't think of the mate that now waited expectantly for when he would get to see me again. I didn't think at all, as the mask fell back onto my face. 

Rhysand

I snapped out of my daze only when Azriel winnowed into the room and my heart stopped in my chest when I saw tears in his eyes. I stood slowly but steadily and looked at him, Cassian glancing between the two of us with worrying lacing his features. Then Azriel smiled at me, grinned almost, and said to me,
"Feyre said to tell you she hopes that you have become less of a prick." There was a wicked, playful grin on his face, and one threatened to ease into my features. 
"I hope you told her that is not possible." Cassian mumbled, before turning his attentions back to the map on the table.
"How is she?" I asked Az, and he walked towards me and a sad smile replaced the joyful one.
"She needs time, much like I did." Cassian stiffened at that, and I could tell that he too was listening carefully to the words that came from his brother's mouth. "But she is willing to try for you." My heart melted, something I had never thought I was able to feel, but Az didn't stop there. "She misses you, much more than she was willing to admit to me, but she is truly hurting to be with you again." With those words I finally fell to my knees and stared, unseeing, at the ground. I could hear the tapping of shoes coming down the hall outside, and looked up, as if expecting to see my mate waltz through the doors but, instead, Mor entered, frowning. I wasn't saddened however, because now I knew, one day it would be Feyre who walked through those doors, one day it would be my mate. But that thought graced my mind for merely a second, and I finally understood what Mor's frown meant. 
"Amren had returned."