I Wish You Liked Boys // cashton

chapter twelve

He was the first to talk.

"You should have told me." He stated as he held on to the mattress of the bunk above him. "You should have taken the surgery."

"No, I don't think so." Calum shook his head as he shifted to face him. "I don't think you understand what it's like to be in love with someone."

He was silent, and Calum shook his head as he held himself. "Isn't it funny how you'd take my breath away, and now here I am? Breathless?" He asked and the blond looked away from him.

"It's not my fault." He repeated, and Calum knew that even if the other party didn't.

"I didn't ask to fall in love with you, or get attached to you. I wish I wasn't because I-I know you can't feel the same and my feelings won't change that, but I'm stupid. I fell anyways." He told him and as painful as it was to look at him, he did it anyways. "I fell for your stupid dimpled smile and hazel eyes."

"Cal..."

"Your girlfriend's lucky." He coughed into his fist, thick blood coating his hand instantly. "She didn't deserve what we did to her."

"If I knew... -"

Calum laughed half heartedly. "What would you have done? You said it yourself, you're not gay. Nothing would have happened and you know it."

"I could have tried." He offered as he shrugged. "I could have tried to give it a chance."

"No. There is no chances, not when your heart goes elsewhere. Not when you're already in love with someone else. I wouldn't have let you." He told him honestly. "I would never have let you sacrifice your love for me... but it was a nice thought sometimes."

The twenty-three year old looked down at the floor, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip as tears dripped down his chin. "Did you ever think about us as a couple?"

"All the time." Calum nodded and laid down on his back. "Once I dreamt we bought a house. We had kids, Jacob and Morgan, and were married. The band was on hiatus, our awards hung up on walls, a typical happily ever after house."

"How did you know I liked that name? Morgan?"

"I don't know." He replied as he smiled. "They were beautiful, and it was perfect."

"We could have had that." The drummer said. "If you would have just told me before it was too late."

Calum rolled his eyes. "You can't force love -"

"- You were the only man I ever got intimate with. We were drunk, but I still trusted you. If you would have let me know, maybe you could have... I don't know, opened up a new door for me." He tried. "Maybe I am gay. Maybe this is where we always would have ended up. How could we have known if you never told me?"

"You're saying that maybe you could have loved me too?" Calum asked and he nodded. "No, because you have your perfect girlfriend, and your perfect relationship. Why would you have thrown that away for me?"

"Because maybe you could have been my perfect boyfriend, and we could have had our own perfect relationship." He stated, his jaw clenched as he looked up and hit the bunk above. "We could have tried! Why didn't you just let us try?"

His eyelids were heavy, and he blinked a few times before looking up at his best friend. He caught his hazel eyes and he reached out for him. "You can't touch me..." He whispered and pulled away from him.

"Maybe we could have tried, but it's too late for that and you know it." Calum reminded him as he saw what could have been mistaken as veins bulge through his skin. "There's no time to think about what could have happened."

"I love you." He sniffled. "You're my best friend, and you didn't even give us a chance for more. How could you do this to yourself? To me?"

Calum laid his arm down and shrugged, his ears ringing as he turned his head. "I'm sorry."

"I wish I could remember that night." He mumbled and Calum smiled sadly. "I wish I knew exactly what happened and how I felt."

"Really?" He chuckled and then closed his eyes. "I wish I could forget."

"Why would you want that?"

"Because it only hurts to remember how even when I was out of my wits drunk, I still wanted you and only you. And then I had you for one night, one night that felt like everything, only to lose you again in the morning." He explained as he grit his teeth in pain.

"Can you move?"

Calum felt his throat close as he shook his head. "I can't feel my legs." His voice wavered in fear as he raised a couple fingers to the man beside him. "I can't move them."

He nodded, and Calum looked at his arm as his skin moved and bulged. "This is really... This is happening." His best friend said to himself and the brunet let out a shaky breath.

"Yeah, it is."

"I-I need air. I need to get air." He stammered, pulling the neckline of his shirt to his mouth before walking away.

Calum wanted to fall asleep, but he knew he shouldn't. He couldn't. So he stayed awake, the bus quiet with melancholy but his head loud with his thoughts.