Stuck (Frerard)

Fluff- Chapter 22

|Sorry for not updating :(. I have a bit of writers block, so this will be mainly sad and pointless fluff.|

Gerard's P.O.V.

I wake up immediatly remembering the awful event. It seems I'm using Frank as a living teddy bear. I've latched my arms around his waist and I have my face pressed against the side of his shoulder. At this point I don't care how uncomfortable he is with my affection. I know it's selfish, but I can't help it. I need someone. I need Frank to be here. I try to block out the flashbacks. The feeling of being trapped. Being helpless under the weight of Bert. I squeeze Frank's waist tighter which wakes him up. He shuts his eyes tighter before squinting and looking down at my head. 

"Hey," he says in that voice. The voice a parent or teacher will use after something bad happens or when you look sad. It's annoying coming from other people, but with Frank, I feel safe and cared for.

I don't feel like speaking. I just wish I could lay here until I feel okay again. I don't want to go into my living room because I know that would bring back the memories. Even if I wanted to move or speak, my body probably wouldn't let me. I'm pretty sure it's an anxiety thing. I'm physically unable to even budge an inch or make a single noise with my throat sometimes.

Frank lifts his head off the pillow to try to catch my facial expressions, but I tilt my head down and snuggle my face against his shoulder closer. He moves a hand to my head and begins stroking me hair softly. He doesn't speak either. He moves his other arm to my back and makes small circles with his fingertips. For some reason I start crying again. Exhaustion is most likely the cause. I remember falling asleep once only to wake up and not fall asleep after. I let warm tears soak the sheets under my eyes. I'm not particularly shaky or panicky, just exhausted from everything in the world. I wish things could be different. I wish that Bert didn't betray me more than anything. I loved him. If he didn't move away,  I most likely would have had a future with him. I wish it didn't happen. I wish that I could go back in time and fix things so nothing bad happened. I don't have a chance of happiness anyway. My mental illnesses can't just be loved away. 

I'm so sorry that I'm like this Frank.

***

Frank's P.O.V.

I do my best to comfort Gerard. I can't stop feeling soul crushing guilt. I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve Gerard. I failed him. I couldn't protect him. This is all my fault. 

No Frank. You can't cry right now you weak fuck. You're supposed to be the strong one. Gerard is the one who has the right to be upset, not you. Nothing bad happened to you. 

I let Gerard cry silently. I feel his tears on my sleeve. I don't mind one bit. I can't figure out why the hell Gerard would want me here. I'm a shitty person. I'm terrible. He probably just needs someone to cry to and I'm the only person he knows. I can't help but feel awkward. I'm such trash and Gerard is such an amazing and talented person. We just don't match. I'm a druggie at 17 and Gerard is paying for his own apartment doing some of the most amazing art I've ever seen. I'm too weak to stand up to bullies, and Gerard got rid of them just by pushing one away. How did he ever manage to be so strong? I can't seem to manage to find many flaws in Gerard. Sure he has problems with cutting and drinking, but those aren't his fault. He was treated so badly. He had no other choice. It was his parents fault and school's fault for making him this way. Gerard couldn't help it. 

Me, however, it was all my choice to do awful things to myself. I had the choice to be a pussy and drag the blade against my skin. Gerard probably didn't have many options on coping. I have parents that would gladly get me a therapist, but I don't want one. Gerard can't afford one. I made the choice to buy my first pack of cigarettes at 13 years old. I was so stupid. I don't know Gerard's story on smoking, but I'm guessing it's another coping method he couldn't help but fall into. It's not his fault he's this way, but its all my fault that I'm this way. I had so many options and I chose the most harmful ones possible. I have no one to blame but myself.