|...|
I wake up immediatly hit with a sense of dread, like I do- no, did, most mornings, before I knew Frank. I muster up all the bits of strength I had to pull my body onto my other side underneath the comforter to read the neon red numbers on my digital clock.
7:00
Frank is at school and I'm miserable. Why am I feeling like this? Can I not go at least a full week without any problems? I know what's going to happen. I know I'm going to do something stupid, and Frank is going to get mad. I could do anything I want. Frank isn't here, and he won't be for hours. I could easily down some alcohol. I could go crazy and do something stupid, like-
No, but I won't. I feel the pain in my chest swirl around in such a pattern that I imagine could only be made by hyper fairies on crack. And, here it comes. The dropping feeling in my gut that I can't control. I wish I could control whats happening. I want it all to stop. I know there is nothing I can do. I try to get more sleep, I only start to think. I try to get up, I only feel exhausted. Its easier to not move, so I stay in my position of staring at the alarm clock, watching as the numbers quickly switch to display 7:01.
I wish I had Frank here. I wish he could be my burning distraction for just a bit longer. I wish so much that he could make me fully happy, but no. Despite what movies show, no partner, despite how amazing they are, can make someone with mental illnesses happy, or 'fixed'. It's a screw up in the brain that cannot be loved away. It's ugly. Real ugly. Definitely not romantic like some people think.
My phone buzzes from on my nightstand in front of my alarm clock. I see white light from my phone screen light up from under the crack of where my screen is visible, it being face down on the nightstand.
Just check who it is Gerard. You can do that much.
I take a heavy, frustrated breathe and scrunch up my face in displeasure. Who is texting me? Hi, I'm too overwhelmed to move from mental illnesses to care about whatever you have to say, random person who disturbed me.
I make a dramatic grunt as I reach my arm out from the warm covers and grab my cold phone. I squint my eyes at the intensity of the phone light before making out a text,
Frank:
I'm sorry to do this, but I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry it has to be over text, and I'm sorry that I can't tell you why. I'm going away now.
My heart sped up and I reread the message a few times, checking the name and number over and over again. What's going on? Why is this happening? I'm too shocked to do much but gawk over the text. I'm awake for sure now. I move my thumbs quickly to text him back, autocorrect fixing my pitiful spelling errors.
Me: Frank what do you mean? What's the matter? I don't understand. Is this a prank?
My message was marked as 'seen' but Frank didn't reply.
Another minute, and still no reply.
He wouldn't prank me like this, would he? Is it possible someone, maybe a bully at school, stole his phone? No, I know he has a fingerprint lock and a pincode lock for his phone. But there's a chance he was forced to do it by someone? Maybe? Did his dad make him do this? His dad shouldn't care, Frank doesn't even live with him anymore. I thought Frank and I were happy! I thought things were going well!
The emotions hit me all at once. It's because I'm genderfluid. He's gay, and I'm not always a boy. He couldn't deal with it.
Hot tears prick at my eyes. I let them fall as I put my phone on the side of the bed where Frank would be. An ugly sob escapes from my throat. Then another, until I'm completely bawling in my bed. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and I'm wondering what to do. How am I supposed to deal with a breakup? This is all way too fast. Since Frank clearly doesn't care about me or my problems anymore, he won't be here to stop me from what I'm about to do.
With my adrenaline rush, I speed to the bathroom, leaving the door wide open as I scramble with shaking hands to find them. I grab an orange container with the small print 'Xanax' on a white sticker and pour a small handful of the white rectangles into my cupped palm. I bet I could down this whole mouthful in one go. I've gotten pretty good at downing pills, having experience. I tilt my head back and dump the pills into my mouth. I wipe away some more tears from my cheeks and hold my hair, wet from tears, behind my neck as I lean over the faucet and get a large gulp of water. I tilt my neck back and swallow all the pills. I didn't know I was capable of that, but I guess I'm pretty determined. I wait for the affect to take place.
You see, I've always been one to give up. Even with Frank to impact my life, I've still lacked hope. I don't care about the rash decision I've made. It's too late now. I can already feel the pills dissolving in my stomach. If I don't have Frank, I don't have a life. I don't have any friends, pets, and I haven't seen my family in years or even contacted them over email. Frank was my only reason. It was the depressing life I was cursed to live. I thought I would be able to avoid this. I thought that with Frank here and everything, I would be okay. Well, I made it this far-
A sharp pain in my gut, then another, and I'm nearly ready to pass out. Someone will find me on the bathroom floor. I miss you, I miss you Frank. This was so hard, and If you ever see me, which I doubt you will since you left me, I know you'll understand. I thought you were different. I really thought you were.
I collapse from my knees and my head hitting the rug is the last thing I see.
YOU ARE READING
Stuck (Frerard)
Fanfiction(Has a happy ending, don't worry) Gerard has lived alone for as long as possible, since he was 17. He is a depressed kid that turns to unhealthy methods for coping. One day from his window, he sees a kid get beat up. This happens often outside his a...
