Stuck (Frerard)

Sleepover- Chapter 23

|Go check out this story! https://www.wattpad.com/650872561-when-metal-meets-skin-chaper-one-notice It's really great! Self harm warning.|

Gerard's P.O.V.

I wish I could enjoy this moment. Just me and Frank in peace. But there is no such thing as peace for me. My eyes are closed and I keep my arms around his waist. He smells nice. He probably showers often unlike me. I don't always shower unless my mental health gives me a break, which is extremely rare. I'll take a shower when he leaves maybe. He probably wants to leave right away and that's completely understandable. Not many people want to stick around me. I'm starting to question it though. Frank usually sticks around me...

Don't get hopeful. He will crush your heart just like everyone else you tried to love.

I sigh softly. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal? I could just be a normal person living happily with my parents and having normal friends at a normal school and maybe even have a boyfriend. But no, none of that is possible. I've spent so many days simply daydreaming about having a perfect life. I'll recreate situations I didn't like to be perfect in my little fantasy world. It's certainly unhealthy to daydream so frequently. What does it matter? I'm not trying to be healthy. 

Is Frank awake? The alarm is behind me and I don't feel like moving my head. I'm wondering, can I sneak to the bathroom? I have one blade he didn't get. How selfish of me. Frank tries so hard to help me and I don't let him. It's not exactly a blade I guess. It's a broken bobby pin. It's the first self harm tool I ever used. I just cut the tip off of a bobby pin using nail clippers. It doesn't work as well and smooth as a blade, but its something. I'm such a bad person. In a way, me cutting evens things out. I'm a bad person for going against Frank's wishes, but the cuts are the punishment. It all works out, right? Based on Frank's breathing, I'll assume he's asleep. Even if he isn't and he sees me going to the bathroom, he'll just think I'm going to pee. I breathe in deeply as I slowly untangle my arm from over his waist. My other arm fell asleep from being under the weight of my head. Both of us were laying on top of the blanket so I didn't have to worry about waking him up as I move a blanket. I sloppily pull myself to sit and then stand up on the cold floor. It's 1: 31. Frank is asleep. He looks so nice just laying there. He looks so undisturbed. People always look so peaceful and calm sleeping. They aren't worrying about their problems when they aren't awake. Even the most broken person looks tranquil unconscious. 

I wobble over to the bathroom and close the door. I don't even think to lock it. After moving away from my parents, I've gotten out of the habit of locking doors. I tug at the handle on the mirror over the sink and it swings open like a door. I grab my bottle of pills. You see, I have a certain routine for sessions like these. I'll take whatever the hell is in this bottle to numb my racing mind, then I'll make as many cuts as I can manage. It's pretty morbid. 

I twist the small white lid to the orange container and let 2 small pills drop into the middle of palm. I look at the round tablets in my hand. I haven't done this in a while and I missed it. I cup my hand over my mouth and tilt my head back, letting the pills drop onto my tongue. It's a weird feeling after just waking up. I lean over the sink and quickly turn on the faucet, take a few sips using my hand as a cup, and swallowing the pills after 2 attempts. I then crouch down in front of the small cabinet and pull out the bobby pin which was sitting right in the middle of the gross wood. I should really clean my bathroom more frequently. I know exactly where it is from the last time I used it. I used it when I want to cut, but not a lot of pain and damage. It's the one I use when I want something, but not a lot. For times that aren't super bad. It was when I met Frank that I switched to this instead of my x-acto knives. It makes really rough cuts that break the skin in a weird and uneven way. It's all that I have unless I want to go to the kitchen for a knife...