𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞. | 𝘩.𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯

019

TRIGGERING THEMES INCLUDED.

CHAPTER 19

HYUNJIN had let his tears roll down once he entered his room, shutting the door behind him really loudly and sat down on his bed.

he buried his head into his palm and sobbed softly. his heart was aching so bad, all he wanted was it to stop.

he was aware that hawon wanted him to get better but he didn't knew how. a knock made hyunjin lift his head up, his father stood by his door with a sad smile.

"do you mind if we talk?" hyunjin shook his head as a no and made way for his father to sit. his father took a seat beside him and took a deep breath.

"you know, when you first brought hawon to our house. I thought she was going to be a spoiled brat like wonju." hyunjin sighed, again.

"but the more I observe her, the more I've realised that she's not like that, she's a very humble and sweet young girl." hyunjin looked up to meet his father's eyes, he was sincere.

"I can see how much you love her, and I could see that she felt the same way. she loves you, very much." he shut his eyes tightly, he didn't want to cry in front of his father.

his father wanted to know why he had let her go so he told him. "I didn't let her go, she let go because she said she can't love me, if I can't love myself." he choked out.

"then learn to love yourself, she's willing to let you go so you can learn to love yourself. you can never love someone else if you don't love yourself."

"because if you don't love yourself, you're never going to be truly happy. do you hear me, hyunjin?" hyunjin nodded which made his father smile.

"we'll go see a psychiatrist tomorrow. if you want her back, then you'll just have to get better. for her and your future's sake." hyunjin sighed before nodding.

THE NEXT DAY, hyunjin was nervous. he was fidgeting his fingers while waiting for his father, who was filling out the forms for him.

hyunjin still hasn't talk to his mother nor wonju. he had avoided them this morning with the help of his father. all he knew was that his mother was sorry for what she said.

his name was called by the nurse. his father patted him on the shoulder before he stood up and walked into the white room, he haven't felt this nervous since his first date with hawon.

"hello hyunjin. I'm doctor jung, please take a seat." hyunjin awkwardly sat down in front of the doctor and looked around.

the uncomfortable atmosphere was thick and it made hyunjin even more awkward than he already was.

"why don't you start by telling me what's the problem?" hyunjin took a deep breath before telling him everything starting from his depression until the recent break up.

but he had hoped to avoid talking about the death of his ex lover, but that was until his doctor asked what triggered his mentality. of course, he hesitated.

he never told anyone about the real reason of her death, not even hawon. "my- ex girlfriend, she overdosed on pain killers. I always knew she suffer from depression, eating disorders and PTSD."

"her ex boyfriend use to abuse her and it traumatised her so much that sometimes when I touch her, she'll go into a panic mode or get a panic attack."

"I thought- she told me she was getting better that was until one night, I got a call from the hospital telling me that she swallowed the whole bottle of pain killers and her wrist was bleeding."

"she had tried committing suicide multiple times before but she always failed until that night, her death traumatised me and it left a deep scar."

"I just wish I've stayed with her that night, I could have saved her but I was too late." hyunjin has completely broken down by the time he finished.

"hyunjin, it's not your fault. even if you did save her, deep down you'd know she'll keep trying until she succeeds." hyunjin couldn't help but to agree with him.

hyunjin nodded. "her death keeps me awake at night, I know it's not my fault but I can't help but to think it is."

"I understand why you feel like that, I've met many people who suffer from death of someone, and trust me when I say you'll get better." hyunjin nodded.

"I'll be giving your father some sleeping pills and some pills for your depression, take them only when you feel like you need them." hyunjin nodded.

after the session, hyunjin walked out the room feeling like half of the weight on his shoulder has been lifted off from his chest.

it felt good telling someone about her death but that didn't mean he'll kept doing it, but he surely had to tell hawon the next time they see each other.

••••
I just wanna say, if you ever feel down or you suffer from any mental illness, please go talk to someone about it.

it's not okay to keep it to yourself, you'll feel a lot more better if you tell someone, this is coming from me, who suffers from depression and anxiety herself.

you're definitely not alone, trust me. I know a lot of people who suffers the same way as me.

talk to someone, it's good to have someone to calm you down when you have an attack or something.

I love you all very much,
thank you for reading!
-author.