anything in return | frank ocean [+18] complete

intro

From the looks on everybody's faces, they knew just as much as I did that I wasn't supposed to be here. God's tears were smeared all over the lace of my favorite black dress even with an umbrella overhead, and, even though he was crying, I couldn't bring myself to. The sky was dark as I stood in the back of the crowd, filled with people I knew and didn't know, and I watched quietly while they hovered and grieved and sobbed. The environment was full of pain, a pain that, I was expected to feel...maybe even more so, maybe even guilt. My last words to her were along the lines of your pride is gonna leave you alone.

That was months ago.

I'd grieved months ago, cried months ago.

A familiar set of eyes were fixed on me, glaring vehemently but I knew that would be about the most I would get before they pretended I didn't exist...and I was fine with that. In everyone's eyes I was a trespasser, with my own set of transgressions that led me to be in this graveyard with a dress on, the color of death.

Only I knew I was searching for peace.

My mind was in another place...

Walking into our apartment juggling an armful of fresh Chinese, I called out.

"Babe, come help me!"

Managing to get my portfolio out of my hands, I sat it and the food down on the kitchen counter and locked up, frowning. No answer.

I looked around, spotting her purse and computer on the living room table...she had to be here.

Shrugging, I ran my fingers through my hair and made my way to the bathroom to shower. It wasn't unlike her to dip off for a second to visit a friend on another floor or randomly decide to go wash clothes or whatever her heart desired.

I heard glass break in our bedroom, the noise abrupt with a loud "fuck" following it. I couldn't move fast enough.

Both of her nostrils were bloody, and the lamp from our nightstand was in pieces, shattered against the hard wood floor. In its place was a lonely white line next to a blade and a rolled up dollar bill.

Angry tears started to sting my eyes as she ignored my presence, snorting her last dose before dabbing her nose, turning and smiling at me.

I couldn't even move.

Her smile faded and she fidgeted in my gaze, playing with her fingers before rubbing her neck, "I need help, I'll get help..."

My voice was fragile.

"Why do you do this?"

"It feels good....like, I'm free, babe. Free from everything," she threw her arms out dramatically, falling back on the bed...

"You're killing yourself, do you know that?!" Before I knew it, I'd crossed the floor and grabbed her shoulders, attempting to shake some sense into her. Her eyes were dark, detached, just like the other times I caught her in our bedroom snorting lines.

She told me the last time was the last time, and love makes you believe stupid things. But I was done this time. There wouldn't be a next time.

"Get out. If you can't deal with your demons like normal people, get the fuck out!" I pushed her medium built frame out of our bedroom, struggling with her. I couldn't deal with this shit, I couldn't allow her to hurt me again. I got her to the door, making sure to grab her purse, yelling over her screams and pleas to change that after she sobered up she could come back and get the rest of her shit.

By now, we were both crying.

"Bee, please...You don't trust me anymore, love me?" I looked up at those disconnected eyes. She didn't care how I felt, not as much as she cared about her next fix. I came second to nothing – especially, to people that I put before everything, before myself.

"Not anymore." I would say it until I believed it. I must have been convincing enough. She yanked the door open, standing out in the hallway before turning around and pointing an accusing finger my way.

"This is your fault...you hurt me, and I need to not feel. I don't need you! I'm fine now, see?! I'm not the scared little girl you used to know! I've developed beyond you, this, us..."

I stood there, letting her jab her imaginary knife into my chest and twirl it around before grabbing her neck and forcing her back into the wall, clearly at my breaking point.

"Don't need me, huh? I've been there for you, more than I've been there for anybody. So don't you DARE." I snarled, letting go of her skin like it was contagious.

She was too shocked to speak.

"Don't even bother coming back to get your shit, I'll mail it to you. Your pride is gonna leave you alone, just you watch."

I let the door slam in her face, standing there for a while before sliding down into a ball and sobbing for a long time.

I stood alone after the casket was slowly lowered into the ground, holding a red rose tightly to my chest.

"I told you," I whispered gently, before tossing it in and leaving just as swiftly as I'd come.