A SWIM ACROSS TIME...

A SHUFFLING BAG OF NERVES

‘This world is beautiful’ Is something I might have said as a child.
                                         -GraveWeaver ‘I’m the Grim Reaper.’

CHARO
For as long as I can remember, my sister has always known where she stood on God’s green earth, something I have always admired in her and the lacking of which I hated in myself. But now, a different person seemed to be seating beside me- a shuffling bag of nerves reminding me of what I often see when I look at the mirror. A body searching for a place to belong not caring what it will lose in the process. I recognized it with the way she tried to hum to a song I know she despised, her head bobbling awkwardly to the rhythm, hands pressing on her laps, creasing her mustard yellow dress. I turned my eyes away and tried to swallow my sadness.
I regretted why I even agreed to hitch a ride with them, at that time it seemed like a great idea, but I wish I didn’t have to sit here and witness this. I turned my eyes to the window and focused on the people, the buildings and tried to count the trees. A little girl in a dark brown hijab cried as she clutched onto her mother’s clothes, maybe that would have been a portrait of me as a child. I suddenly felt the urge to grab a pencil and paper and trap all my feelings inside. I made a mental note to draw it eventually, if inspiration finds me worthy enough to grace with its presence again.
The rest of the people in the car were ranting about work, something about office politics and the desire for change. There was something about a rumor, and I almost didn’t care till he man beside the woman driving opened his mouth and said “I though you women will know ai, considering how you are.” Despite the implications of these silly comments, my sister and her friends forced an awkward laugh. I didn’t, I turn my eyes back to the window and wondered what my sister would have said if she was being herself.
I texted Hannah to see if she had arrived, we were supposed to go shopping together. She was waiting for me at the front of the agreed place, she said. I was surprised she came early. Hannah was the kind of person that forgets that time exists, she seemed to think the world revolves around her plans or rather lack of, something that frustrates me sometimes. But somehow, it works out for her, she spends the whole day procrastinating but still manages to get everything done.
“I am dropping here. Thank you.”
“Okey dockey.” The lady driving said. She is a cool person but I will like her more if my sister had the confidence to be herself around her. Perhaps, it is more about my sister and less about them. But that is not important at the moment. I waved my goodbye, glad to be finally out of car, my lungs taking a deep breath in approval.
It didn’t take me long to spot Hannah, her dark grey palazzo pants and black top wasn’t enough to drag my attention, but it’s the way she awkwardly stood, as if she was trying to melt into thin air, her eyes glued to her phone. She smiled when she saw me; or rather it looked like one.
“I can see you took your sweet time. Do you know how long I had to wait for you? What did I do to deserve this?” I should have known better than hoping not to expect any drama.
“You know, for someone who is always late for everything, you do have a lot of audacity.”
“Me late? Never. Everyone is simply too early.”
By the time we were done shopping, I thought my limbs were about to fall off. It takes Hannah an eternity to decide what she wants. Give her a second option and that’s the end for you. When you think she has finally made a decision, she changes her mind again and then again. Then ask you for advice but proceed to choose the exact opposite. I am indecisive but Hannah is on a different planet.
“Let’s go for ice cream.” She stated happily.” My treat.”
“Of course, you shouldn’t expect me to pay after the stress you put me through. I deserve more than just ice cream.” She rolled her eyes at me. “I hope it wouldn’t take us five years to decide which flavors we want.” She pretended not to hear me. I sighed already knowing how it will go. So help me God before I deck someone’s child.
Having ice-cream after a long day is a lot like finally getting to urinate after long hours of holding it in. And conversations with Hannah are like taking a walk round the chocolate factory in Charlie and the chocolate factory- exciting and bizarre. Before you finish admiring the view, an oompa loompa is dragging you down a rabbit hole made of candy. I haven’t laughed that hard or genuinely in a while.
“Do you talk to your mother?” I paused playing with my vanilla, strawberry and Oreo flavored ice cream. Hannah says people’s ice cream flavors says a lot about them.
“Do you realize you have a weird way of punching people in the face with questions.” She shrugged.
It took me a while before I answered. “We do talk. Some things are just hard to let go of. I try to convince myself that she had to do that to survive but I can’t seem to let go of the anger. It’s complicated, especially when it is about one’s parent.”
She nodded her head. “I am proud of you. You are doing well you know? I don’t think I could have handled it half as well as you do. You are pretty awesome sometimes.”
I felt my eyes moistened. With Hannah, there is little need for too many words. She just gets it. She knows how to reach the deepest part of you without judgment.
“Maybe I should add this to my CV.”
“What?”
“My super ability to make you cry.” Idiot.




BILAL
My therapist said I have changed since I started hanging out with those kids. Something about finding your purpose and being intentional with your life. I don’t know much about that. I am not sure if what I am doing is as heroic as they say or just a selfish thing I do to feel more human than I am. Maybe I am just using those kids, to prove to myself that I am not a pathetic excuse for a human. But I did not voice these things out.
Instead I shared with her my plans to register the NGO, I don’t have the name for it yet and for now I am satisfied with that group of boys. Four of them have started therapy sessions. Aliyu’s rehabilitation is going well, he is two months clean. I am a bit worried about him but I believe he is a stronger person than I am. I have relapsed so many times before I finally was able to let go of my addiction.
And it has been months since Halima and I last spoke, I inquire how she is from her brother and somehow I still find myself waiting for a reply. I am starting to make peace with the fact that it will never come. Maybe it is for the best. But I still sent one last letter. I like to think of it as the last act of kindness I am doing for us both.
“You should try to be less hard on yourself. You didn’t make the best decisions at a point in your life, what matters if the fact that you are trying to fix that. What you are doing for these boys is amazing. You are helping them become the best versions of themselves. You are saving them from those feelings that consumed you. And that is extraordinary. You didn’t just pick yourself up, you are helping others do the same.”
I wish I can believe that. I wish I can borrow her eyes and see myself even if it’s just for a second. I am trying to be intentional with my thoughts but it is hard to take total control.
“I know this may sound like I am just trying to make you feel better but do understand that my only job isn’t  to do that, my job is to make sure, you also become better. And I can’t do that without your help. You hold the keys here, I am just a guide on this journey. You decide where to go, you decide what to become. No one can do that but you.”
“I am trying.”
“ I know you are but you also have to believe in yourself. In our next session, I will love to hear more about your plans with the kids.”  She smiled and I smiled back.
“Hopefully, I will have something for you.”  We said our goodbyes and I made my way to the boys. Today our team is playing against another team. I want us to win but I didn’t want to put too much pressure on them. They already have enough to deal with.
When I arrived at the field. Halima’s brother came running towards me- sweaty and out of breath, he handed me an envelope. I don’t even know why they chose such a sunny day for the match. The sun seemed to have made a decision to grill anything on its path today.
“Are you giving me money.”
“No,” he panted, ” It’s from my sister.” I froze unsure of whether to collect it or not. But he seemed to have read my thoughts because he gently took my hands and placed it inside before running back to the team.
I stared at it for a few minutes before putting it inside my backpack. The match didn’t go as fast as I wanted it to. I couldn’t even enjoy it because I was on edge. We didn’t win but it was an interesting match. I tried my best to lift their spirits.
When I reached home, I brought it out and sat on my bed staring at it. Not sure if I should open it or not.
I am scared of what I will discover.
And because there is no point putting it off for longer. I held it gently in my shaking hand and opened it.



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Hello readers, it's been a while. I apologise for the long wait. I had a very serious writer's block and I am happy to say I have somehow managed to get out of it.

My writing is a bit rough due to lack of practice, kindly bear with it.

Thank you for your patience. I hope you enjoy this chapter. 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤