Guilt, trust, love

NO HOPES AT ALL

The next morning, Ishita goes to the hospital for her routine checkup after the miscarriage. She reaches there and is surprised to find Raman. Actually, he has come there with Shagun for her checkup.

I: Raman aap!

R: Woh main...

I: Aap ko yaad thi appointment? Actually, I myself forgot about it. But you remembered!

Just then Shagun comes out of the consultation room.

S: Sorry Raman wo thodi der lag gayi. Chale...

Her voice trails off. She is shocked to see Ishita.

I: Ohh aap ho yahan! That's why I was wondering how could Raman remember my appointment so well!!

R: Ishita sorry woh...

Just then the nurse comes up to Ishita.

N: Ma'am aap ke liye sonography room tayyar hain. Aap aajiye. Aapke saath koi aaya hai?

R: Haan main...

I:(a bit loudly) Nahi koi nahi hain. I have come alone. If any family member is needed, I will call up my cousin sister.

She eyes Raman with disgust while Raman looks away.

During the day, Raman calls up Manoj at least 10 times to know about Ishita's reports. Finally, in the evening, Manoj tells him that he can collect them.

R: Manoj, is everything okay with Ishita? She is fine na?

M: Not really Raman. As I told earlier, she has some complications due to miscarriage. Although it is recovering, she may have acute pain sometimes.

R: Wait wait wait... Complications? But Ishita never mentioned anything about it!

M: May be she did not want to get you in worries... But don't worry, I have prescribed some medicines and she will be totally fine soon.

R: Okay, thanks.

Raman leaves deciding to talk to Ishita about it. When he entered the room, he saw her sitting on the couch lost in her thoughts looking at her mangalsutra. He sits beside her and puts his hand on hers.

I: Aap aa gaye. I will get coffee for you. (she tries to get up)

R: Wait Ishita. We need to talk.

I: What happened? Is everything okay?

R: Not really. Woh reports...

I: Kya? Shagun ke reports mein koi problem hain kya?
R: Ishita it's not about Shagun... it's about you. Because even you are important.

I: Kya baat hain?

R: Tumne mujhse kyun chhupaya?

I: What?

R: Your complications after miscarriage. Abhi main hospital gaya tha tumhare reports collect karne tab Manoj ne bataya.

I: But aap kyun gaye... main chali jati na kal.

R: Come on Ishita. That's not the point. But why didn't you tell me about it?

I: Raman I wanted to. But phir Simmi pe attack, Rinki's death... and dimag se nikal gaya woh.

R: Aur uske baad? Ek bhi baar tumhe mauka nahi mila?
I: Did you have time to even look at me Raman? Forget listening to me.

R: Ek baar nhi batati that you are not okay... I would have been there right at that instant Ishita.

I: That's our problem Raman. I need to talk everything to you. You are not willing to read anything...

R: Why are you saying anything like that yaar!

Suddenly she has acute stomach ache. She cringes and tries to get up to have water.

R: Ishita what happened? Wait I will give you water.

She drinks water.

R: Feeling better?

I: Yaa...

R: Madrasan, kya hogaya tujhe yaar? If you were in so much pain, mujhe pehle kyun nahi bataya...?

I: It's okay Raman. Leave it.

R: Ek baat puchhu?

I: Haan.

R: Do you feel insecure because of Shagun?

I: How does it matter Raman?

R: It does. Ishita I am telling you again and again. Tum apni jagah ho aur Shagun apni jagah. And always you are and will be way above Shagun. Mere dil mein tumhari jagah aur koi kabhibhi nahi le sakta... Trust me.

I: I have heard all this n number of times. Par afsos, mehsoos nahi kar payi kabhi. Raman, I always told myself that you love me. I made myself comfortable with the fact I am your second wife, your second love. I can never stand on the first position in your life ever. (tears started flowing through her eyes). But, being a woman, I was always hopeful that someday there will be a time when there will be no such feeling in my heart. Shagun always used to say she will always have a special place in your heart. But I wished to never believe it. But, I was wrong. I overestimated myself.

By now, even Raman had tears.

R: Ishita....

I: No Raman. Don't say anything. Let me speak. I lost my first love and face innumerable rejections in my life. But then, when you said I am the best, I began believing it. I started imagining myself on the top of the world. Being my Ravan Kumar's favourite, I was the happiest soul. But then I understood today Raman, that actually babies re needed to make marriages work.

R: No Ishita...

I: Yes Raman, aisahi hain. I realised that being just your wife and Ishima is not enough at all. Having my own children would have been the key to a happy marriage. (wiping her tears) But now I have decided...

R: What?

I: That I am not having any hopes from my life hereafter. I have decided to face life the way it presents itself... Zindagi mein mere saath aage koun koun rahega ye bhi maine sochna chhod diya hain. Indeed, no thoughts, no pain.

Saying so, she went inside the restroom leaving Raman in tears.

I: Ishita, I promise you I will light up your hopes again and will never leave you alone. Hum hamesha saath rahenge aur tumhe woh saari khushiyaan milengi jo tumne kabhi sochi bhi nahi hongi... I promise...

That was all he could say to her retreating figure.