Guilt, trust, love

TALKING HIS HEART OUT

Raman came home in the evening. Tired and dejected due to the day's happenings, he went in his room without talking to anyone. He lay on his king size bed and closed his eyes. Flashes of some lovely moments spent with Ishita started playing in his mind. Their meetings before marriage, wedding day, the way Ishita always stood by him during all pains, love confession, cute little fights, the day they got to know about her pregnancy, all their happy times. Unknown to Raman himself, he was smiling widely. And then suddenly he remembered their fights due to surrogacy and the biggest heartbreak he gave to her. Tears started flowing relentlessly recollecting the pain, dejection in her eyes. The visuals of her flying in air and lying in a pool of blood haunted him.

R: (self-talk) Yeh sab kya ho gaya yaar. Kya karne chala tha aur kya ho raha hain. Main aisa kuchh nahi chahta tha Ishita. I always want to have you with me. Par hamesha kuchh na kuchh ho jata hain ki hum saath hoke bhi saath nahi ho paate. (smiles softly) Pehle jab hum log Ruhi ke khaatir milte the, tab bhi humein lagta tha we hate each other. But it was much later that we understood we were made for each other. Kaise ladte the hum log! Kisi bhi baat pe chalu ho jaate the!

Phir dheere dheere hum ek dusre ko samjhne lage. Hum achhe dost ban gaye. Bachhe hum dono ki kamjori the, iss liye hum ek doosre ti takad ban gaye. Ruhi, Adi, mera parivaar sab kuchh sambhala tumne. Har kaam mein you always used to be on front foot. Koi bhi takleef ho, koi bhi pareshaani ho, to Ishima ya Ishita bhabhi ya Madrasan Jhansi ki Raani chahiye hoti thi. Na jaane kab tumhari aadat lag gayi mujhe.

Bohot bada safar tay karke hum log iss makam par pohonche hain Ishita- pati-patni ke makam par. Ek doosre ki chhoti-chhoti baaton par dhyaan dene lage hum. Ek doosre ke hisaab se khud ko dhalne lage hum. Pata ho nahi chala itne lambe safar mein pyaar kab ho gaya. Peeche mudke dekho toh lagta hain abhi abhi toh hua hain. Par ehsaas aisa hain jaise 7 janmon ka rishta ho, dil se dil ka bandhan ho!

Main jaanta hun Ishita tumhe mere kiye ke karan bohot takleef zelni padi hain. Jitna dard tumhe mila hain utne agar mujhe milta toh main mar jata shayad. Par tumhe to pata hain na that I love you unconditionally yaar. Bachha hoga ya nahi iss baat par mera pyaar nirbhar nahi raha hain. Hum dono iss sab se bohot upar uth chuke hain. Par ye bhi utna hi sach hain ki main tumhari takleef dekhta tha jab tumhe koi...koi banjh kehta tha. Mann toh karta tha ek ek ko thappad maru.

But we had one way to have our own child. Meri Ishita sach much Ishima ban jaati. Duniya ko dikhane ke liye nahi, balki tumhari apni khushi ke liye. Mian bas chahta tha ki ek bachha tum uske paida hone se hi paal sako. Aur agar medical science ke jariye aisa ho sakta hain ki hume hamara bachha mil sake toh kyun nahi.

(caresses other side of the bed)

Aur Shagun, Shagun iss liye because she was the last choice. Never the first one yaar. Jab se tum meri life mein aayi ho, sirf tum meri pehli choice ho. I know main yeh baat jata nahi paata shayad, par yehi sach hain Madrasan. And I know that you know it. (crying  like a baby) Only you know me that well. Toh tumhe samajh ana chahiye na ki mere dil mein kya hain. Aaj...aaj woh log teri shaadi ki baate kar rahe hain. And I am not at all feeling good about it. Haan jalta hoon main, I admit, I do get jealous. Par mujhe tum chahiye  ho yaar apne paas.

Sab ko lagta hain ki main Shagun ke saath rehna chahta hoon, par waisa nahi hain. Agar waisa nahi hain toh sab chahte hain ki main sach sach batau par main woh bhi nahi kar sakta. Kyunki main ne tumse aur humare baby se promise kiya hain ki main yeh good news sabse pehle tumhare saath shre karunga. Tumse pehle hi maine surrogacy ka decision lene ka haq chhen liya. Tumhara vishwas, dil toda. Tumhe zindagi aur maut ke beech junjhne ke liye chhoda. Ab maine yeh baat kisi aur ko bata kar tumse yeh khushiyan nahi chhenana chahta. Phir bhale hi mujhe kisise bhi kyun na ladna pade, poori  duniya se hi sahi. Par woh bhi kar lunga because only you matter to me Ishita, nothing else. Jab tak yeh saari baatein jannane ke baad, tum mujhe apne khushi se maaf karke gale se nahi lagati tab tak main tumhara intezaar karunga.

But Madrasan ab thak gaya hoon. Ab yeh ladai akele nahi ladi jaati. Tu please jaldi se wapas aa ja mere paas. Tu toh meri Jhansi ki Raani hain. I love you and I miss you.

He rests his head on her pillow hugging it to his heart. He picks up the photo frame of hers from the bedside and kisses it.

Manoj comes to see Shagun who is now living in the Bhalla house as her society members threw her out. He enquires about Raman. Shagun and Manoj go to check on Raman. On much insistence, Raman lets them in.

M: Raman are you okay? I mean your eyes...

S: (slowly)  Have you cried?

R: No no, I am fine. Thanks. Bus apni wife ko thoda miss kar raha tha. (smiles sadly)

M: It's okay. She will soon be alright. In fact aaj hi meri uske doctor se baat hui hain. He said she is improving fast.

R: Wow! That's a great news.

M: Yaa, so on this note, a drink? You will feel better. Stressed lag rahe ho.

R: Nahi nahi, ab no drinks. Drinks meri Madrasan wapas aane ke baad. Tab clebrate karenge achhe se.  Aur waise bhi uss halat mein toh mujhe sirf wohi control kar sakti hain. (laughs mildly) Abhi ke liye sirf strong filter coffee.