Journal

August 14th

(2014)

Breaking Heart

Even though I have been getting better with my self confidence, my inner mind, and my happiness, there's been a few moments where I stepback. Will, this is one of them.

The reason I haven't been updating is because I've been having Field Hockey practices. Trust me, it's fun but really tiring.

I joined because my parents kept saying that I was lazy, I was getting a bit too fat, and that I needed to get out of my room. Of course, I don't mind. Lots of parents do that. Right? And so, I decided to play FH. It's really fun, I really see improvement in my athletic area, and it helps my self esteem. Also, it's brought lots of friends as a bonus! (:

I've been working really hard, trying to do the best I can. I walk back and forth from school and my house. It's not that far, just 10-15 minutes away, haha! I also go to the gym with my cousin in the afternoons, to get stronger legs and help me loose weight a bit faster. And of course, I've defiantly restricted myself from several foods. Honestly, I'm proud of myself. A year ago I wouldn't of done any kind of sport. Why? Not because I was lazy, but because I was shy. I had my friends in that school and that just gave me anxiety. But new school, new start(:

Going back to topic, even though I'm happy with myself and proud of myself, I feel like I'm not doing good enough in my parents eyes. They still talk about me eating too much even though they are barely at home, and they don't see me eat. And when I do it's pretty much me getting a small snack. My Dad still doesn't think Field Hockey is the best sport. He just wants me to play soccer (like I've said before). I tried out for volleyball in 7th grade and he said that it was stupid. That I wouldn't do anything and that it shouldn't even be a sport. He wants me to run and go the gym, he used to say that I should get into a good sport. Will, now that I am running, going to the gym, and am in a sport, he just doesn't pay attention to me. He gets mad at me for no reason. He ignores me. He has floated apart with me. And it hurts so much, because even when he's so mean, hurting my feelings, making me cry, taking the little light of me that I have, I still love him. I still love my father even after all his negativity. But I can not stand it anymore. I just feel so... Like if I'm a disappointment to him. And I try harder and harder each day to talk to him, goof with him like before, but it just doesn't work.

And then my mother.

I don't know how to start... I'm not going to lie, I get attitude with her sometimes. She even confessed that she thought I didn't love her at one point. But I do. And mom, even though you aren't reading this, and never will, I do love you.

With her, it's my weight. She says I'm too fat, I eat too much, and the I don't do anything. I don't really know what she wants. Maybe I should starve myself so she can stop saying I eat too much? I really wish I knew how to make her happy. Sometimes I make her laugh but most times I feel like I annoy her. I'm a jokester, I like to kid around. But she's the oppsite. So it's rare for us to laugh together. But I enjoy the moments that we do. Because I know that an hour later she'll be yelling at me. I don't think that she really understands how hard I work to try to impress her. I... I can't continue. I'll make a second part of this later on..

To sum it up, my parents are breaking the section in my heart that is for them. And they are starting to darken all the other sections beside it also. I think that the reason I stay in my room, go out a lot, and do things to keep me busy, is so that the time I have with my parents, the light I still have, is there to stay a bit longer.

I hope the light doesn't burn out soon.