The Unruly Mind

𝐼𝓃𝓈𝑒𝒸𝓊𝓇𝒾𝓉𝓎 𝒦𝒾𝓁𝓁𝓈

All thoughts have the potential to grow toxic with a reckless mind, but insecurities are born hungry.

As I look at my reflection, I feel amazing and this feeling comes from the bottom of my heart. I feel content, free and at peace. I am happy with what I see, A strong and a matured girl who has come a long way, facing challenges at every step in life.

I walk with confidence in my classes, to my friends and Spending some time with them enjoying the moment only to realize that something is wrong. I don't feel so good and suddenly my heart feels heavy. I slowly notice every action and expression of mine and that of others.

A battle starts in my head " am I smiling too much?, am I sitting up right?" And an endless number of accusations and questions run through my mind.

I end up analyzing every little thing. I know what the real world is like and to avoid getting hurt I start overthinking. I excuse myself and go to the washroom, hoping to fix my dress and scarf.

"It's the side effect of loving too much and getting nothing or very little in return. You strive to spread your light, but you're too afraid to rise. You're a dying flower inside". That is what my mind keeps telling me but how far is it true?

As I enter I go to the corner and take a deep breath, while exhaling and inhaling I look at myself in the mirror, I don't feel the same. I feel lost, disappointed, and unappealing.

I look closely at the mirror and I can see the confident girl from the morning is gone. I stare at my reflection, only to end up feeling worse. seeing every flaw, every tiny detail. My heart isn't able to shield itself.

Every joke made, every argument, fight, roast slowly piercing my mind and heart bringing out memories that I'd rather want to forget. I clench my fists as tight as possible just To control the storm building inside, to control the girl I see in front of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. If I am not able to be happy with myself, no one will ever be able to and that just makes me even more paranoid only to layer a new identity around myself.

It's a cycle of insecurity, lack of confidence and diffidence. A cycle that keeps repeating and destroying me from within. Because I know any minute I will see tears rolling down my cheek with no one to wipe it away.

"Is this the face the world sees?, is this why I look unapproachable? Is this the attitude my friends have to deal with? is this why they don't communicate with me well?"

In my mind, I am being tossed and turned from one Conner to the other hitting every wall. No one is able to see what's going on inside. It's very suffocating, Very dark and void. Its slowly killing me from within until nothing will be left. but no one will see it ever, putting a mask on might be my specialty.