Rough Waters

Chapter 2 Last Good Day

"Two doors down they're laughing and drinking and havin' a party but two doors down they're not aware that I'm around." My mother and I sing in unison as we drive to the mall. My mother has listened to Dolly Parton ever since I can remember so all the songs are programmed into my brain whether I like it or not.

It feels like I'm having a good day today even though mom dragged me out to go shopping, despite the fact that she knows I hate shopping. Maybe this is my 'last good day' as they say. That thought runs through my mind every time I have a good day. In some ways I wish I had more bad days, I just don't think I'm done grieving. After all, I only lost my soulmate. I don't know why I'm being pressured to get over it so quick, it takes time.

We pull up at the mall. One cancer perk is that we get to park in the disabled parking so we never have to walk more than a couple of steps to the entrance to the mall.

It's a sunny day. The air is warm and there is only a slight breeze. Everyone is walking around in shorts and T-shirt - even my mother - and then there's me wearing sweat pants, converse, a long sleeve top and a denim jacket. I make excuses for dressing like this in the summer. I tell people that I'm cold because I'm under oxygenated and they believe me every time. It's great!

The first store we go to is some one-off boutique. It sells fancy underwear and silky pyjamas ad body lotions and fancy perfume. My mom takes my hand and walks me straight over to the underwear section. The first thing she picks up is black. It's a set. It's almost see-through and has some lace petals and fancy stitching. It comes with a pair of panties that don't look like anymore than an eye patch. She turns to me and says

"Sweetie! Isn't this pretty?!"

I give her a look of complete and utter revulsion.

"No way, mom!"

The smile drops from her face immediately. She puts it back and keeps on browsing. I'm 17 now so my mom thinks I should be buying underwear like that and having all the fun in the world but I can't, I just can't. I'm not like everyone else. I follow close behind her, dragging my oxygen tank behind me.

Then something catches my eye at the end of the store. I walk over to it. I pick it up and it just so happens to be the right size. It's sky blue -like the dress I wore in Amsterdam - with some really pretty stitching all round it. It's not see through and the panties are simple briefs, pretty but still comfortable.

My mom agrees to buy it immediately and I crack a smile, maybe for the first time in weeks.

"Thanks, mom. I love you so much." I say and she smiles back at me.

We shop around a bit more. We go to JC Penney, Hollister - where I get a new pair of jeans - and then we sit down at a nice cafe in the centre of the mall, surrounded by a fountain and cool exotic plants. We get some really nice sandwiches and tea. Then we get a slice of chocolate cake each. I polish it off and my mom looks at me with astonishment. She thinks I don't eat enough so I guess she's happy that maybe I'm starting to change for the better.

When I get home I try my new underwear on as soon as I get up to my room. I shut the door and sit the bag on the bed. After I catch my breath again from all the walking up the stairs, I carefully take it out of the bag, as if it's going to break if I drop it. I slip into it and stand in front of the full length mirror in my bedroom. I don't know why, but my eyes start to fill with tears. I stare at my skinny body. My joints sticking out at my hips and elbows and knees. My short hair swept to the left, held with a bobby pin. My ribs slightly sticking out of my sides. My cannula going from my nose, falling close to my body all the way to the floor and then it plugs in to the oxygen tank. No surprise, my lungs still suck at being lungs. Despite my weak looking body, I actually feel beautiful in my new 'lingerie' as some may call it. Gus would have loved it. He loved me, even with my skinny frame and oxygen tank and boyish habits. He made me feel beautiful. God, I miss him so much.