T. R. F. A. P. A. T. H. W. T. G.

Chapter 17: A Fucking Radish

Richard looked at his checklist.

Richard: "Okay, that's 274 dandelions, 157 blue blizzard beetles, 57 goat femurs, 37 human teeth, the wood of a now extinct tree, and three troll hearts. Am I done?"

Cabs: "There's one last thing, but this time, I'm going with you."

Richard: "What is it, Cabs?"

Cabs: "It's something called a 'radix electrica'."

Richard: "Finally, something that sounds cool."

Cabs: "We're looking for a vegetable."

Richard: "Well, at least, this won't be back-breaking."

Cabs: "It gets worse."

Richard: "How much worse?"

Cabs: "We have to dig about 200 feet underground to get it and when I say 'we', I mean you."

Richard: "Why must I suffer?"

The two walked to the endless lot of snow.

Cabs: "Yep, right here."

Richard morphed his hands into two rake-like shovels and began digging into the snow.

Cabs: "You know there's a shovel chained to you that you could use, right?"

Richard: "Nah, this is more comfortable."

Richard kept digging.

Richard: "So, what's up with Ludo? Is he your boyfriend or something?"

Cabs: "No, he's just delusional."

Richard: "Well, he's really fucking gay."

Cabs: "Yes, he is."

Richard: "Hey, dude. How am I supposed to talk to you when you just end the conversation like that? Haven't you ever had a conversation with anyone?"

Cabs: "What do you mean?"

Richard: "You don't have any social cues."

Cabs: "Oh."

Richard: "There you go again, fucking ending the conversation with a one-liner."

Cabs: "Well, I'm sorry. I haven't had a good conversation for centuries."

Richard: "Your boyfriend doesn't talk to you, huh?"

Cabs: "Not really, no. Ludo has a fucking social disability."

Richard: "I saw some people with coherent social skills. Why didn't you just talk to them?"

Cabs: "What would you do if an 8-foot monky walked over to ask to converse?"

Richard: "You're a bear."

Cabs: "I'm clearly a monky. I'm covered in fur, I have long arms, and I look like a nig-"

Richard: "Bears look like that too."

Cabs: "What's a bear?!"

Richard: "It's been centuries and you still don't know what a bear is?!"

Cabs: "Frankly, no."

The two stayed silent for a period. Less light shone through the tunnel. Nighttime was approaching.

Richard: "Are we there yet?"

Cabs: "We still have about 100 feet to go."

Richard: "Why do you make me suffer like this?"

Cabs: "It's just sort of what I do."

Richard: "You know, you're being one Stone Cold Steve Austin."

Cabs: "That's not very nice."

Richard: "Do you even know what that means?"

Cabs: "No."

Richard: "Neither do I. As a matter of fact, I think half of the things I say are a product of psychosis and radiation poisoning."

Cabs: "What?"

Richard: "What?"

Cabs: "You said something."

Richard: "Yeah, what?"

Cabs: "No, what did you say?"

Richard: "I said, what."

Cabs: "What did you say?"

Richard: "I said, wha-"

Cabs: "Oh, you said what."

Richard: "You're an idiot."

Cabs: "Thank you."

Richard: "That wasn't a compliment."

Richard stopped for a moment. He needed to catch his breath.

Cabs: "Come on, Richard. Only 50 more feet to go."

Richard: "You try digging 150 feet with nothing, but your bare hands!"

He kept digging.

Cabs: "Are you getting sore?"

Richard: "You know, my middle finger's getting a boner right about now."

Cabs: "What's a boner?"

Richard: "I'll tell you when you're older."

Cabs: "But we're the same age."

Richard: "You're too pure. I shouldn't spoil you for now."

Cabs: "But I'm really smelly."

Richard: "Actually, your smell improved after turning into a bear."

Cabs: "But I'm a monky."

Richard: "Well, you look like a bear. Matter of fact, you are a bear, you delusional shit. Why are you such a moron, you shithead? I thought you were better as a gook, but you're even stupider now. 'Stupider' isn't even grammatically correct, but I don't even care because you wouldn't even notice, you smell ass, bear-looking motherfu-"

Cabs: "We're here."

Richard: "Of course we're here, you bitch ass caucasian!"

Cabs: "Was that even an insult?"

Richard: "No."

Cabs pulled the vegetable from the ground. It was just a radish. The two started walking back up the tunnel.

Richard: "So, all of this is going help the bolt, right?"

Cabs: "Oh, well, all we needed for the bolt was this. The rest of the stuff was for a dank-ass stew."

Richard widened his eyes. He dropped to his knees. He screamed.