Catching My Queen

||MENDING||

Happy reading my beautiful readers!!!

Zara PoV

Together we stood in front of Scarlett's room. Ryan looked at me with full eyes and I nodded. He reached down towards the doorknob and nudges the door open. The door opened with a loud creaked making me flinched slightly.

He was barely aware of himself opening the door because his eyes were glazed. He couldn't even remember pushing his way through the door after he had stumbled into the room. His hands were shaking terribly at his sides.

The room was wrapped in thick darkness. I caressed the wall in search of the switch. I flick the switch and dim light came alive in the room. Slowly and steadily the whole room screamed with light momentarily blinding us. My eyes danced around the room with sadness to find it filled with dust.

My hand found Ryan's and I wrapped it around his in a tight embrace. Ryan took a deep breath and glance at our hands and the next moment he intertwined our fingers. His action was so simple but it managed to send butterflies in my stomach. I cursed myself for feeling like this, for feeling so wanted.

My eyes wandered around the room and a silent tear escaped my eyes. Nothing has changed for the last three years when we both were getting ready going to her birthday party. The dresses were scattered around the room and her dressing table was a mess. Different lipsticks were scattered over the table while her mirror was filled with different posters.

I closed my eyes because I didn't have enough courage to look around anymore. There was a feeling of emptiness in my soul.

"I can feel her." He whispered. His voice echoed around the room. I felt increasing pressure on my hand. Ryan's nails were digging in my flesh. It was painful but for whatever reason. I couldn't feel the pain. I guess the emotional pain was overcoming the physical pain.

"We used to sit there and gossip all about you," I said and walked towards the bed. My hands caressed the bed sheet was the last time we sat together and laughed. More tears leaked from my eyes when I remember those beautiful moments. I felt like my own heart will burst with pain.

"She loved gossiping about me. I remember when once I was teasing you and you started crying. She was furious and didn't talk to me for two days. After two days she made me wear her bikini and made me dance in front of my family for two hours." His full voice held adoration for Scarlett. It was the first time I had seen him expressing his feeling other than aggression.

He walked towards the edge of the bed. His steps waver making him sit near the edge of the bed on the floor. I copied his actions and sat beside him. My mind was screaming at me. To leave him alone and let his body and soul cope with the loss, but my heart wouldn't budge. It wanted to be here with him. I wanted to console him. I wanted him to cry on ng shoulders and let it out. My mind was whirlwind of emotions.

Was it guilt that wanted to be near him because I wasn't there for him? Or was it because my heart had started feeling something for him? It was a mystery to me.

"I miss her so much Zara. I miss her like crazy. She was my twin, and I couldn't protect her." He croaked out in agony. "I don't know what to do anymore Zara. I just don't know."

"Let it out, Ryan. It's been so long. You need letting those feelings out. Talk to me, Ryan, talk to Rosemary. We all are here for you." Snaking my arms around him, I let myself wrap around his body. His cold body felt warm around me. His face was nuzzled in the crook of my neck and soon I felt him letting his emotions out.

Who said men can't cry? The amount of pain is always the same whether it's a man or a woman, the only difference is a man knows how to build up a facade in just a matter of seconds while it takes much time for a woman.

My heart aches for this family. I never wanted anything bad to happen to them. The day Scarlett died, I was a mess. I didn't know what to do but soon after her funeral, my own parent's death was beyond devastating. The horrible part of my parent's death was, it had been hideaway. Uncle had made connections and they didn't tell anyone about it. They have said my parents had taken me to America because I wasn't able to cope after Scarlett's death.

On the second day of my parent's funeral, my grandmother and uncle had already taken control of the company and our home. I was a prisoner in my own house. Because I had not turned eighteen yet, they knew I could fight them off but I was already turning in a month. They all were afraid that I would claim for my right, so they shipped me away to America by lying to me.

"She was so happy that she was getting engaged with the love of her life. I still remember she came barging in my room the day before on her engagement. She was having second thoughts, but I told her that Nicholas loves her and that she didn't need to worry about anything. But something in her eyes told me that something was wrong. She never doubles guessed her decisions not when it involved Nicholas."

My mind was in a state of chaos. For once, my conscious forced me to answer him. To tell him the truth but I manifested my lips to answer. I couldn't answer him.

For a prolonged time, I contemplated if there was any way out of this guilt that was heaving my heart but I knew there wasn't. Even though I tell them the truth, no one would believe me.

This was finally my fate. A gruesome, appalling, and life in guilt. An entity without love and full of hardships and nightmares.

"I hate everyone, Zara. I hate myself. I hate Mom sometimes, and I hate my dad. I don't know what to do." He said angrily.

Pushing me away, he got up on his feet and glared at me. If I didn't know better then I would have thought he was bipolar. "You were there Zara. You ran off. I can't stand the fact that you ran off."

His words were like fuel to my burning soul. Here, I was trying to help him, but he was too much of an ass to blame all this on me. "Yes, I ran away because you forced me to."

It wasn't true, but it was not even a lie. After I had received the news about my parents, the first person I went to was him. I still remember that day clearly. I was running to his house and crying. The moment he saw me, he started to scream. He told me off. He said disgusting things to me. He unjustly accuses me of Scarlett's death.

At that moment, I was already in guilt because I believed I was responsible for her death, and on top of that I was a mess because I just lost my parents. His words, his tone, and his snide remarks made me run away from him. He told me I was a curse. I couldn't shake those words out.

"Well, apparently I was too much of a curse Ryan. I couldn't stay here anymore right." I spurted sarcastically. He looked regretful but the next second he snarled. "I was angry." He shouted.

"Angry Ryan? Angry?" I yelled. "I don't understand people blaming their bitter remarks on their anger. 'Oh, I am so sorry love. I was fuckin angry that is why I spitting shit about you.' No Ryan, you weren't angry, you believed what you said. Don't you fuckin dare to blame your anger or what so ever." I was furious. Whenever I want to fix this thing between us, he has to go and fuck everything up.

I was breathing heavily, my guilt taking the best of me and the anger, ok his words entangling with my emotions. For several moments, he didn't utter a single word. He looked completely broken which broke my own broken heart.

His eyes flashed dreadful loneliness, regret, despair, and anguish making me aware of his inner agony and turmoil to me. "I never wanted to push you away Zara. When I saw you in that room with Scarlett in her pool of blood. I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could come up with was something that happened between you two because there was no one else."

I took a deep breath upon listening to his words. Somehow, deep down in my fuckin heart, I knew where he was coming from which was making me mad. Mad at him and on myself. I tried to speak, but he held his hand, stopping me from saying anything.

"It didn't help the situation when I tried asking you what happened. I screamed in your face, but you were just crying. She was my twin god damn it! I didn't know how to act. They Nicholas told me that you two-"

He stopped and looked at me with anger. I held my breath and waited for another accusation, but it never came. He was looking at me with soft eyes.

"At that moment I believed what he said to me. It was like all the pieces of puzzles were finally in place but I soon regretted. Deep down I knew you would never do something this absurd. But you never gave me a chance to apologize and run away."
His voice turned bitter and he stated vehemently.

"So I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe Nicholas was telling the truth." His words cut deep in my heart. Did he believe Nicholas words? He trusted him not me.

"Maybe you could have done something. Maybe you couldn't have stopped that person that night by screaming for help, but you were a coward, Zara. You did what you were good at, crying like a fuckin baby." He roared in terrible anger. His harsh words were poison on my ragged scars.

"You don't deserve love, Zara. You should have died that night rather than Scarlett." That was the last straw for me. I couldn't believe he had uttered those painful words. I was finally getting better, but he ruined me again.

Before I could say something he turned away and walked out of the room, slamming it shut. I desperately clutched the bedsheet in my hands and cried.

I cried bitterly for the sin I never committed.

I cried for forgiveness.