The Marrying of ZIM

24. Midnight.

I sat in my dark room staring blankly at the tv. The characters moved across the screen but I heard nothing and I registered nothing. My chest aches and my room is a complete mess. Pizza boxes and empty ice creams tubs lay everywhere, small plastic cake containers with icing smudges have yet to attract the rodents and insects that loved these kind of clutters.

I probably stunk knowing how easily my arm sweats despite the blast of the air conditioner in my room and right now it was on the lowest setting. I would move from my position here between the mass of pillows to use the bathroom and hold my head low, afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror.

I had just died for the 10th time playing a chapter in Grand Theft Auto V, I wasn't angry and frustrated as I would've been on a regular day but this was no regular day. This was the day that marked one month and 15 days since I last spoke to Kwashie. Our wedding would be coming up soon and just as how this wasn't a regular day, that wasn't a regular wedding. I couldn't just call it off because Richard and Mr Ekuban needed it to be over and done with.

Maybe I should've just stuck with the original plan of non attachments and a compromise of only interacting for business purposes but no, I had to go and trip over my own senses and fall hopelessly in love with this dark chocolate, poetic monster. A beautiful monster, she was at least.

Richard haven't tried to get me out of my room, we spoke the day I went to get my fitting and he would message me or FaceTime me to see if I was living. Sharon brought the pizza and everything I asked for, she knew I had to deal with this is in my own way and being reclusive and avoiding was my way of dealing with things.

I clicked the remote and allowed YouTube to load on the screen. I'd listen to sad music to make myself feel worst, happy music just didn't cut it anymore. Kwashie stopped calling after the first week of me ignoring her calls. Mama Ekuban came to look for me but I wouldn't allow her in, she ended up FaceTiming me on Richard's phone.

"Beautiful girl, don't cry. I have tried talking to Kwashie but he won't open up to me either, I'm sorry that you are going through this." She had said.

I didn't want an apology from her, I wanted it from Kwashie. I even started convincing myself that the problem was that Kwashie is a male, a lesbian and a male cannot coexist in a relationship but then I had stopped calling myself a lesbian for some time now since it only had confused me whenever I thought about my labels. I shouldn't be labeling myself but it kept me sane.

"1...2...3...4...5...6" I started counting.

It was the only thing that has helped me to calm myself over the years. I'd count my steps, I'd count down minutes. I listened to the wall clock tick and I counted along with it. Youtube was now fully up and I skimmed through the playlists that I had created.

"Here we go," I said to myself.

I clicked on the love is stupid playlist and allowed the first song to play. I made whale noises to sound like the first note of the song, I probably was exaggerating but that's how it came out.

"Midnight, I've got trouble sleeping. I'm making my way up to the street where we last kissed." I had the remote up to my mouth singing with my eyes closed.

I prepared this playlist because I knew heartbreak was inevitable, it was either supposed to be that Carter and I drifted apart or that either one of us cheated or did something unforgivable but here I was singing with a heavy heart with fresh hot tears running down my cheeks not for Carter Jones but for Kwashie, even though I still didn't have a complete reason to be feeling this way. It was the lack of respect and trust that broke me, it was the fact that she was keeping secrets and hiding something. She told me that the only way a relationship would work with her is if it was built on communication but fucking ironically she wasn't communicating with me.