I had pushed a bolder to the top of a hill and when it reach the top it came crashing down.
My arms fell limp to my side as I watched the boulder lay destruction below.
Although that boulder was straining and at times I thought it would crush me. Without it I felt like I was floating or rather I felt like I was slowing drowning.
I walked the path it made for me with my eyes closed and my arms stretched out.
I didn't want to see what lay ahead but I also didn't want to trip and fall.
Finally I reached where my boulder laid and with my eyes wide open I started to push it up the hill again.
That weight on my arms and the strength of my legs gave me relief.
I didn't feel like I was drowning anymore. I didn't feel like I was floating away. This weight is something I understood.
Then why does the boulder feel heavier?
At first I claimed it was because I had forgotten about the weight of the boulder. But the truth is that I had become weaker. The fact was that this hill was smaller and the boulder had lost a few pieces of itself. But during that time I walked without it I lost my strength. I grew comfortable floating away and I let myself drown.
My life is on the right track.
I am finally doing something rather than sitting at home.
I am gaining friends, even if they are just co-workers.
But then why am I feeling this anxiety.
Why do I feel like I have this tingle on my spine.
Why am I isolating myself from the people that really know me.
Why do I sometimes feel that pressure on my chest.
Why do I feel like I need to go run a mile while at the same time I want to hide under my bed.
Why am I writing this rather then texting my best friend.
This anxiety is unwanted and there is no reason for it to be here.
While in school, me and anxiety had an understanding. I knew why it was there and so I learned to manage it.
I'm on unfamiliar territory and I have no one to help guide me.
And so I push that boulder while my arms shake.
I push that boulder while my legs feel like their going to give out.
I push that boulder even though sometimes I want to lay down so that it can finally crush me.
